Come share your family's holiday dysfuntions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ah yes. The holidays. They are so wonderful. Sometimes.

The other times…arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh.

This thread invites you to bitch and moan and vent, non-BBQ Pit style preferably, about the fun idiosyncracies of your family that you get reminded of this time of year. (I’m not pissed enough to make this Pit-bound, and figured others may want to come and unload here as well.)

The fun for our family? My oldest sister. She’s actually mellowed quite a bit, but oy. It’s still there. She’s mega-fundamentalist Christian, and though she will make such provocative and questionable statements as “Christian scientists say the dinosaurs died out because they wouldn’t fit on the Ark,” she will come unglued if you even hint at questioning her statement. Meanwhile, anything you say is open to her correcting. Even if you don’t say something, she finds ways to pick. Three examples of the joys of being around her:

Example One:
Other sister: “I just gave the dogs a little holiday ham and beef, just so you know.” (The dogs were outside.)
Oldest sister, to my Mom: “Actually, beef makes a dog throw up, so there may be a mess to clean up.” Add a corrective, somewhat “oh, that foolish one” tone for full effect.

Example Two:
Me to nephew: “Hey hon, you have a little sticky tape on your shoe. Don’t worry, it’s just come off the stairs. We put it there to keep the cats from sharpening their claws on it.”
Oldest sister: “Your cats have claws?”
Me: “Yes.”
OS, to Mom (note pattern?): “Well, we decided that if we’re going to have an indoor cat, we’d have it declawed. Even though it’s an expensive surgery, we figured it was too expensive not to because of the damage they cause…”

Example Three: (the one that had my temples throbbing)
Nephew (not her son) had put too much TP in the toilet, clogging it for the 2nd time in 2 days, and then lied about it. My mom corrected him (his mom wasn’t home), and then we–Mom, OS, and myself–chatted about consequences.
Mom: “Well, someone will have to clean that up.”
Me: “Why not have him clean it up, or at least help in cleaning it up? It will teach him the consequences of his actions–show him that if you make a mess, you have to clean it up.”
Mom: “Oh, it’s nasty though…poop, used TP…”
Me: “Well, that could be quite a deterrent from him doing it again.”
OS: “You’d think that, but actually most little boys would think it was cool.”

I’d just like to point out at this point that I’m a teacher and have been for 5 years. I am constantly dealing with discipline issues. Does it mean I know it all? Hell no. But it means I do know a little bit about what I’m talking about. That…and I don’t know many 8 year old boys who’d think playing in poop would be cool. Some, sure. But I seriously doubt her “most” qualifier.

Not that she cares, or notices. Sad thing is, I don’t think she really means to sound as aggravating as she does. I think it’s a defense mechanism so deeply rooted that it blinds her to other people. (And I figure she can’t be like this with her friends–simply because she couldn’t possibly have friends if she treated them like this…) I told her that last example hurt and upset me a little. She apologized, but not after first subtlely reasserting that she was right. :rolleyes:

So…ahh. I feel much better.

What do you care to bemoan?

2

After being in my own apt at school comming home for the holidays is oh so fun. I may have my own room but no privacy what so ever. For example my brothers friends come over at 2am and can charge into my room if they so choose.

I also turn into my mothers maid, get this do this, or a note can be found on the kitchen table for me to call her when I get up to be told my daily chores.

I love my family and I love being in my home town (especialy considering my bf lives here). But oh how I miss my own apt. when im home for the holidays.

3

night, I so hear you on yours. I have to sleep on the couch when I’m home for the holidays (apparently, my room isn’t mine anymore, and has been turned into my sister’s room :rolleyes: ), my mom continually tells me to do stuff (“You used to be so good at taking out the garbage; how come you don’t do that anymore?”), I don’t have TOO much privacy, etc. However, I do get to see my brother. :slight_smile:

F_X

4

EVERY year, my mom and dad say, “Oh, we’re not going to do anything special, we’re just going to have some sandwiches and snacks, why don’t you just bring a Jello-with-fruit thing, and we’re not going to have Presents, since the grandkids are all practically grown, and y’all have your Present-Opening on Christmas Eve anyway and you’ll be over here Christmas Day, so it’s all going to be very simple, we’re not even going to have a Christmas tree…”

And then we get over there and they have Put On The Dog, with the good china and the candles and everything.

And a Christmas tree, “just a small one, why, it’s hardly even a tree…”

And presents for the grandkids, “Oh, they’re just trinkets…”
<< sigh >>

5

Many of my inlaws find topics that are not discussed under polite rules of etiquette to be the thing to discuss. (And since the other relatives are fair game when they aren’t around, you can assume that you are being gossiped about when you aren’t around.) My husband is cross-examined about his hours, his hourly pay, and holiday bonus. Questions about why one hasn’t bought a house yet, including speculations about how much money from yearly salaries is being wasted if one hasn’t bought a house with it. Indepth analyses of physical ailments, including recounting of tales from years ago - even a listing of how many miscarriages one of the family members has had. Personal friends’ looks/choices in partners/jobs/etc. are sometimes criticized pointedly.

Attempts to fend off questions about one’s personal affairs leads to anything from repeated prying, to the silent treatment in person and nasty comments behind one’s back, to angry shouting. Years of living with them has led my husband to the defense mechanism of trying to politely reveal as little as possible and change the subject, or barring that, much nodding and non-committal agreeing.

6

Yep. I’m the sofa sleeper at holidays when everyone is there. That actually doesn’t bother me as much as it could, because the sofa is far more comfortable than the one extra bed. The bed is way too soft and I spend the next day with an aching back whenever I sleep on it.
I’m not yet prepared to discuss anything further, though there is a potential Pit thread brewing…it may not happen though.

7

Ohhhhhh!

Dysfuntional Family Bingo ™

The only way I get through the two sides of the family is by wondering how long it will be before certain topics come up.

**My Side **

Mom: I have to go to the nursing home to visit him. I just can’t leave him there all alone in the crappy place. ( She visits my severly disabled brother about 5-6 times a week for six hours a day, bringing him his food and letting him emotionally guilt trip her. It feeds her and it feeds him. Yeah, what fun!)

Then it turns to something minor needs to be done ( take an old TV out to the curb, close a window, replace batteries in the smoke alarm) and she moans about it. All she has to to do is *ask * and my husband and myself will do it. But she never asks. We do in one visit what she *festers * over for *months *.

and then there is the ever popular: don’t be so strict with your children. We *ruined * Jimmy ( oldest brother. Now deceased. Family black sheep. Bum.) because we were too strict.

**BINGO! **

(Begin Rant. Long, tedious, major major issues that will never ever go away.)

**The Other Side **

SIL and MIL have a relationship similar to my Mom and Brother. They feed off each other. SIL uses her mother as a Nanny and seamstress (amongst other jobs) to raise her three children so she can a) work b) do charity work c) have quality time with her oldest most perfect precious child. d) Have a Fabulous Social Life that has never been interrupted since her Perfect Children have been born.

MIL, summarily, takes these children anytime, any where, many a times overnight (not on weekends but work nights for her daughter to make it easier for her because she works.) as a sheild from her husband, who is a)old world german b) old world german c)a major pain in the ass d) completely and totally domestically helpless e) paralized from the chest down. ( E is a footnote. He’s been A,B,C,D his whole life. ) If she dies, he is friggin’ toast, and he knows it because Mr. Ujest won’t put up with it and he knows he cannot screw with me.

And what you get is my SIL telling anyone who knows her mom ( or will listen) that a) the grandchildren are what Mom lives for b) it does her so much good c)And Dad needs the kids too. d) and I work because I want to give my children nice things. ( Don’t flame me here, everyone else who works to support their kids I am ok with. This is the exception.)

But what *I see * is: MIL never standing up to the main problem ( FIL). MIL is a Doormat throughout life and has never found her own voice. MIL is much like a 13 year old shy girl, only 58 years old. MIL is a brilliant cook, seamstress, better than average mechanic and outstanding gardener/painter/needlecrafter, but has no self esteem and virutally no friends. ( Her only true friend just died a few weeks ago.)
What I have to put up with *every time *we are near SIL is a) how they had problems getting pregnant b) How much invitro costs ( $12k for them. Once. His parents paid for the second time around even though these selfish - but oh so nice, clean cut and yuppie couple, have taken at least 8 trips since #1 was born which easily could have covered the birth of the Miracle Twins this March) which incidently, they’ve taken 4 more trips ( not jaunts, but big vacations that most normal people take once a year) since the Miracle Twins were taken out of her Golden Womb. I would like to state, FTR, that This Perfect Family is right now on vacation at XMAS, with their nanny, my mother in law ( who needs the vacation from FIL) and that *every * vacation they go on it is with others ( usually MIL and FIL) who nanny their kids, essentially for free ( having R & B paid for.)

(I’m about to pop a blood vessel here…)

AND…Since Her Miracle Children have been born she has *never * spent two weeks in a row with her child/ren. That number could be lower, but for some reason I am being charitable.

And I would like to state that A) SIL has a Masters in Education but is one of the most innocent…no…dippy…clueless…ahhh…naive…yes…that would be it…people I’ve ever met. ( her husband I like just fine, except for the aboveforementioned selfishness.) Who married into a well established very very very church going family ( evangelicals) who all have the collective IQ of a turnip. Nice turnips, but there don’t grasp basic real conversation. Everything is " God Love You" and “Bless You” and they all travel together like a herd. In 14 years I have never seen one without the other 20. It’s scary, in a way. I don’t blame them, they can’t help it, but SIL family is lapsed Lutheran. Normal Hard Working Germans who can converse, swear, drink and get jiggy with it. Even they are mystified by the church goin’ and bible stuff. b) Gets off on being one of the Big Fish in the Little Pond at their church. They are the snappiest dressers and possibly the best educated, if not posessing all their own teeth. Don’t laugh, it ain’t purty there. c) Surrounds herself with weak minded lemmings.

And, to prove that *God is a woman and must not be screwed *, we just found out that the Woman Who Could Not Get Pregnant By Normal Means Because Her Husbands Sperm Is Not Strong Enough to Penentrate Her Eggs (something she will tell - oh - so - nicely to anyone who will listen, even people she barely met) has become pregnant by Natural Means and is due in August. I just about fell off my chair with laughter.

May I remind you, the sole person still reading this diatribe of mental venom, that SIL is out in colorado on a ski trip, skiing, knowing she is pregnant with The Next Miracle Child. The same woman who wouldn’t move a kitchen chair (lifting) when she was pregnant the first time, or drink coke, or put her arms over her head and a few other things. But she decided to go skiing anyways. I’m sorry, but I’m speechless.

We thought that with the birth of the Miracle Twins that she would quit her job and slow down. Hah. Not a chance, she just went part time and signed her Perfect Precious Daughter up for Uber Yuppie things on her days off and leaves her Miracle Twins at her Moms all day. ARRRRRGH.

I would like to state the following politically incorrect remarks at this time:
1)I can’t stand SIL with a firey passion of 10,000 suns.

**2)**I wish that Mr. Ujest could see though my eyes and hear through my ears the way I do with his family, then he would finally grasp exactly why I have to take Prozac to get through a family get together. And that his mother will never grown as a woman until she confronts what she hides from and that his mother is not doing her daughter any favor by doing so much for her. They are making each other dependant on each other . Emotional cripples.

3) SIL is so diametrically opposite of me in every way, shape and form it is a pure cosmic joke that we are sisters in law. And yet, everyone who has ever met the two of us confuses us for sisters. Even family. Talk about squeezing lemon juice into the kharmic paper cut of life.

**4)**While I wish no ill things to my mother in law ( her, I can handle) if she suddenly and painlessly dropped dead…OY! SIL would get a big slap in the face with a cold dead mackeral of life and I would be there in the front row to watch her perfect little world come crumbling down…cause *I ain’t taking care of her daddy * either. Malicious, nope. I’m burying my entire family in my life ( three are gone, three to go, probably one next year.) She needs to be challenged a bit in life. ( OTOH, Mr. Ujest would be devestated, so that would be painful to deal with.)

5) I hope the next birth is for twins. And I hope they are girls. ( as she passed on all her girls clothing to me - tons of it - telling me I didn’t need to return it as if they ever had another girl they would just *buy *everything all over again.

**6 ** I want to be compensated for losing my babysitter. MIL use to be able to take my kids pretty much anytime. Then after the Miracle Twins, it was downgraded to Twice in eight months, and only for when Mr. Ujest and I want to get away for a weekend. When I call to see if she can take them so I can go to a Doctor’s Appointment, two weeks in advance, she is watching The Miracle Children. I won’t leave them there if Those Kids are there because it isn’t fair to overwhelm her like that.

**7 **I want them or us to move. Since we are the poor relations, and we were hear first, they need to move. ( They live four houses from us and, none of the neighbors ever see them except at gatherings when they attend that will *mutally benefit them the most * ie: announce they are pregnant/going on vacation and then the conversation turns to them for the rest of the night.( The neighbors like them, but after witnessing some of this first hand, they think SIL is a snob and a user, but oh-so-nice.) They’ve talked to Mr. Ujest about this, as have all his friends to.

8 SIL, You are a control freak and an attention whore.

**9 ** You don’t have a personal line with Jesus. He doesn’t care any more about you than he does about free throw shots.
What God gave you when you were born is everything you will need to get through life. Your gift back to God is what you do with your life. God does not intervene all the time for your personal life problems. He/She is busy with real problems that people did not create for themselves. Translation: Stop crapping on your mom like you do. Grown up and be accountable.
**10 ** When you do take your mom on these trips as a *thank you * and leave your dad at home, MY HUSBAND has to babysit your dad at night. Either I pack up and go down to Chateau Treblinka for the duration ( not a chance) or Mr. Ujest spends his nights there and we do stuff together during the day - which, btw, you retard, is his vacation time. Yes, we are too broke to go anywhere, fabulous or semi-crappy, but you assumed never asking, that your brother would help out at home. He offered, as you knew he would.

11 ** I expect financial compensation for every time your brother comes over to your house to a) move a large peice of furniture, b) fix something ** c) fix something that you attempted to fix ** d)** finish what you started because you didn’t know what you were doing and it was easier for him to cut in and do it for you than stand back and watch a train wreck happen e) ** call our house and say, " Hi, it’s me, is my brother there." f) Use Our * tractor to mow your lawn, our weed wacker to trim. If you can afford all these trips you can afford to stay home once and get a good quality riding lawn mower and weedwacker. g)* If you are going to re-gift me your daughters unwanted bday/x-mas presents to our daughter ( you do, admit it) leave the tags on the item, so I can return it to the store for something My Wonderful Daughter can use. **H ** Don’t be coy and think you are getting away with anything when you talk about thinking about doing something knowing that your brother knows exactly how to do it the right way the first time and that he will offer to come over and do it for you if you play your cards right. I ain’t stupid.

:::::::breathe::::::::::::::

This is what goes on at every family get together. Some times, before Prozac, I thought I would simply *implode * at the table.

I’d say I have the entire **Dysfunctional Family Bingo! ** card covered.

Thanks Ruffian, I’ve been wanting to start a thread on this very subject.

What I would like to do is ask anyone who has actually read this entire manifesto, *if they have any suggestions for me on how I can let go of this burning contempt * I have for this person.

*I am very serious *

She isn’t going to change. Aliens are not going to kidnap her. I cannot change her and I cannot change the way my husband loves his sister,( Do not screw with family dynamics, I’ve learned, just find your own comfortable groove and hang to it tight.) even though it puzzles me to no end beause he is a very intelligent man, but I do know that while I cannot change the wind, only adjust my sails.

I need to learn how to do that.

Good grief, it is 240am.

8

Jesus, I thought sometimes I had some challenges with my international family of clowns, but thanks for putting all of that into perspective. enjoyed the post immensely

9

Ferret Herder, are you sure you’re not my long lost sister? My mom could have been an interrogator for the CIA, and gotten bonuses. She’s very good at prying where she’s not welcome, rephrasing questions, and alternately yelling, asking my siblings for information, and giving me a HUGE guilt trip. Thankfully, she does this to my siblings as well, so we just ignore her. I’m glad she’s the only interrogator I need to deal with.

10

We just get really tanked.

See, on Christmas Eve we go around in a circle, opening our presents one at a time. It’s organized and it’s cool, because you can enjoy watching others’ reactions to their gifts, and get a chance to show yours off too, thank the giver, etc.

But all of that waiting your turn makes ya thirsty, so drinks are in order. Therefore, our Christmas Eve tradition goes like this: open a present, have a scotch. Open a present, have a bourbon. Open a drink, have some champagne. You get the idea.

There were only six of us this year, but it took over two hours to get through all of the loot; and the booze flowed as freely as the holiday joy in our little hearts.

My (rather reserved) New England Yankee boyfriend was joining us for Christmas for the first time, and while he likes a slug once in awhile, I don’t think he believed me when I told him how much hooch my family was able to hold and still carry on a conversation. I managed to remain sober (first Christmas in a long time…!) so I could keep him company in his relative temperance.

The next morning they (boyfriend and I were asleep) started again with bloodies, after which Mom and Dad sent my sister and her husband on their way, early, so they could beat the snow.

Other than that, we’re not too dysfunctional. We’re basically just a buncha happy holiday drunks.

11

Mine are all dead.
(other than my brother, but he spends holidays with his wife’s family).

And all the years I moaned and complained about their annual holiday conflict, the epitome-of-redneck uncles, the intense gossip, the odd, unwanted gifts and the unbearable yearning to rush for the exits, I never knew how hard it would be to have a quiet lonely Christmas.

Yikes! That wasn’t meant to be some sort of lesson for you all!
My family holiday dysfunction? Well, ten minutes after the gifts were opened, my daughter was off in her room again.

12

Wow, Rushgeekgirl. I’m very sorry to hear that. :frowning:
I was going to post about my useless sponge of a sister, but… well, nevermind.

13

Let’s see, my family holiday dysfunction…well, since we don’t have any contact with my father at all anymore since a Christmas meltdown three years ago, the only remaining dysfunction is my sister’s eldest daughter, aka the Spawn of Satan. I mean, come on - do normal 8-year-olds really have temper tantrums until they throw up? Every couple months? Well, according to my sister they do. “She’s not a bad kid. She’s just a normal 8-year-old.” Um, no, she’s not. She’s a selfish, needy, grabby, whiny, nervous, clingy, annoying brat. Who likes to beat up her little sister and go screaming to daddy when little sister hits back. And is only interested in getting her way, no matter what. This child makes family gatherings an ordeal (“What is she going to blow up over and not get punished for this time?”).