Comedy horse racing challenge

Thread Games
1

Inspired by a story on the web that detailed how the writers of ‘Airplane’ entered a horse called ‘All pink’ just to hear the commentator call out, “…and it’s All Pink on the inside…”, try to come up with the funniest, most preposterous or confusing race commentary, using the supplied eight horse names.

Rules:

A post consists of commentary for the previous eight horse names posted, then eight new horse names for the next race.

Horse names are limited to a maximum of two words, and both words must be capitalised. No obviously offensive words allowed, but manufactured innuendo and puerile puns are encouraged.

All commentary must start with: “And as they come round the last into the final straight, it’s…”, and then name the eight horses in any order. Additional minor details like distances between horses, inside/outside track, changes of pace, etc. are allowed.

E.g. “And as they come round the last into the final straight, it’s Strewth, Three Legged, Wombat on the outside, then close behind is Huge Gap, then a huge gap to Start Again and This Time, Softly on the inside, with Buttered Parsnip in the rear”.

To keep entries to a manageable length, exactly 3 lead changes (and no more) then need to be described. These can be either a simple lead change, mentioning just the first two horses, or else a ‘surge’ to the front from any other position. So one lead change might go from: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 to: 5,1,2,3,4,6,7,8. You do not need to restate the entire order in this case.

Commentary finishes with: “…but at the post, it’s…” and list the horses in any new order.

For example, a commentary might call:

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 (your initial chosen order)
4,1,2 (“coming up strong on the inside, it’s <4> from <1>, then <2>”)

1,4 (simple lead change)

7,1,4,2 ("<7> coming from nowhere to nudge ahead of <1>, then still <4>, then <2>")

6,3,7,2,8,1,5,4 (final placing)

Race One entrants are:

Flapping Loose
Plaster Man
Master Plan
My Mistake
Limping Badly
Swinging
Hang On
Walnuts

2

*And as they come 'round the last into the final straight, it’s… My mistake, I’ll start that again. And as they come 'round the last into the final straight, it’s Swinging, Walnuts, Flapping Loose in front of Plaster Man, who is not doing nearly as well as expected. We ought to call the union, haw haw. Then it’s… hang on… no, it is Hang On, with Master Plan sabotaged by My Mistake, and pulling up the rear by some hundredfold lengths, it’s Limping Badly.

Now Flapping Loose is, er, flapping loose, and racing ahead of Swinging, with Walnuts stumbling back, possibly shell-shocked. But Swinging comes back Swinging, nearly colliding with Flapping Loose, and here comes Master Plan! Someone needs to tell that jockey he can’t carry a loaded firearm onto the racecourse, but they are clearing the path for him! It’s almost too close to call!

But at the post, finally, it’s… Master Plan! And once the doctors have sedated the jockey, the rest of them amble through as My Mistake in 2nd. No, Flapping Loose in 2nd, my mistake. Walnuts are in third, then My Mistake, Hang On, Plaster Man, yer check’s in the mail, haw, haw, er, uh… oh, Swinging is last. No, my mistake, but not My Mistake, just my mistake, it’s Limping Badly coming up any minute now. He should be shot. [gunfire] Oh, good aim, Master Plan.

Race Two entrants are:

Raspberries
Glue Factory
Satan’s Tool
Cabbage
Norwegian Blue
Paul Revere
Hot Flash
Last Chance