Comforting a new mommy with breast feeding problems

In My Humble Opinion
21

Chocolate and bubble baths. Stupid movies if she is up for them.

The release of pregancy horomones from the body is one of those really emotional and difficult times - and given the stress of little sleep and the disappointment of breastfeeding, just think about “what would it be like to have the worst case of PMS in my LIFE if I had gotten little sleep for a week and just run a marathon and just been told I got a B on my group project through no fault of mine in school” - now ask yourself, under those circumstances, how would you want to be comforted.

22

If you are around, make sure she’s always got a drink and a snack nearby.

23

Well, “sane” coming from me might be a bit of a stretch :stuck_out_tongue: but others have good suggestions, like supporting her with all the other stuff so she can concentrate on resting, getting better (birthin’ babies is HARD on the body), etc. I remember those first few months with Dweezil and they were nightmarish all around (with the exception of feeding; that worked well from day 1). If I’d had feeding issues on top of all the sleep deprivation / tough delivery / recovery problems, I’d have been in tears also.

Some of the anecdotes might be of comfort because they show that a lot of moms have these struggles, and a lot of them either get through them, or take the very healthy attitude of “so what? it’s FORMULA, not rat poison” (love that analogy!!!). And they all have perfectly health, happy babies.

In the interim - if she feels up to it, pointing her toward the various lactation forums etc. might make her feel like she’s being proactive with this whole thing, and that sense of power is a grand thing for the ego.

I’m so sorry feeding is not going as easily with your sister and baby as they did for me and Dweezil. Worst thing I had was the boobular ouchies for a bit.

24

My niece fed from my sister for about five minutes last try, about two hours ago. We tried her on some breast milk from a bottle after that with no luck. She took, maybe, three sucks from it and then she started screaming again. My sister made her a bottle of formula and she sucked that right down. She talked to a lactation person on the phone and was advised not to mix formula and breast milk anymore, but to continue trying to breast feed and to definitely keep pumping. She just pumped another half ounce.

I know that my sister was involved in several mommy message boards while she was pregnant; I believe that she’s still on them, but she’s used to me reading random stories from the SDMB, so I might try out a couple of y’all’s on her. The pantry is stocked with good food, I’m around to cook whatever she wants, and she’s been drinking water and milk like crazy for the past nine months. It hasn’t let up post partum, which seems like a good thing.

Dangerosa, thanks for the description of post childbirth hormones. It sound scary, but it at least gives me an idea of what’s going on inside of my sister.

25

Incidentally, I think that messages of “formula is not rat poison,” “she’ll be fine no matter what,” “plenty of babies survive just fine on formula” are VERY APPROPRIATE AND SUPPORTIVE - but only after someone has decided to quit breastfeeding. Speaking from personal experience, when I was in the middle of the first 4-5 weeks of hell, trying to get my newborn latched on and having great difficulty, a lot of very well-meaning people said stuff like this to me, and while I know they were only trying to help, it came across to my hormone-addled brain as an underhanded way of saying, “Why are you still going through all this crap when you could just quit and give him formula? What is wrong with you?”

I second the advice to offer her water and snacks whenever possible. If she needs privacy to breastfeed, offer to run interference for her with the in-laws or whatever, if that’s an issue. Tell her that LOTS of new moms have a LOT of trouble breastfeeding at first and it doesn’t mean that her milk is bad or that her baby hates her or that she won’t be able to breastfeed. It’s just early days, and it’s more common than not to have significant problems early on. But you can work through them! No matter what happens - it will not always be like this. That might be helpful for her to hear.

Good luck! You sound like a great sister, MissMossie.

26

Yes. I agree that formula is not rat poison, but initially breastfeeding hurt like hell and I had a snacker, and it was very, very tempting to give up and use formula at different points. And the day your milk comes in was, well, I was crying because friends came to visit, and they brought pad thai! They were sooo kind! I wuvved them sooo much… :rolleyes: I’m normally described as very calm.

So that’s what post-partum emotional felt like. No one told me that it’s about 500x more hormonally trippy than being pregnant.

27

What’s your sister’s diet like? I’ve heard, and moms can correct me if I’m wrong, that what you eat affects the taste of your milk. This article supports the idea, anyway. Maybe she’s eating something that’s causing the baby to turn her nose up at her milk?

28

The child was born SATURDAY?

Oh, man. My wife and my daughter didn’t really connect on breast feeding for three, maybe four WEEKS. We had to feed her formula, and our perception was that it helped with breast feeding; when the hospital kept insisting on breast feeding and nothing else her hunger just made her desperate and panicky. Getting some food into her calmed her down, and that made the breastfeeding sessions less about screaming and more about working it out.

Breast milk and formula simply are not mutually exclusive. Lactation consultants will present formula as being the work of Satan because that keeps them in jobs. If she’s persistent the breastfeeding will come along.

Five days is nothing. Believe me, she hasn’t even gotten to the point where failure can even be considered.

Having her sister there helping is sure a huge benefit. Good for you.

29

And also because for a lot of people, introducing formula (well, technically introducing bottles) means that the baby develops a bottle nipple preference and will subsequently refuse to take the breast. They are not making this up just because they are evil and want to bring in the big $$$. It happened to my niece.

30

Give her a big hug and give her time to cry. If she tries nursing again and the baby spends a few minutes, that’s good…just don’t give in so quickly and give the formula. Babies are lazy, but will expend a ton of energy complaining…

Okay, so what happened after 5 minutes at the breast? And who gave the half-and-half bottle…mom or someone else? Maybe she just wanted mommy to hold and feed her, and that’s why she took the formula bottle from mom, but not a bottle from someone else.

I spent most of the first few weeks nursing a few minutes at a time. Whenever my baby was hungry, she got the breast, even if only for a few minutes…she kept falling asleep…(or was that the boy…? It’s been a quarter century, after all) Anyhow, the point is, I didn’t give her the option of a bottle, except for the 24 hours she was off the breast due to jaundice. I spent those 24 hours sobbing uncontrollably, and someone else fed her bottles…which, by the way, was not entirely a success, either. Once she got the hang of the breast, and the milk came in in spades, she refused to touch a bottle again, from anyone. One time, Grandma got her to take a bottle, by holding the nipple in her mouth as she fell asleep after crying in anger for 45 minutes…she drank the darn thing in her sleep. And yes, she is a stubborn little thing!

I’m not saying to starve the wench…just don’t jump so quickly to the bottle. Five minutes is a great start. Next time it’ll be 7. Then 10. She may have to do this every half hour. And it’s going to hurt for the first month, but then…it’s wonderful! And there are ways to deal with the pain so that the baby doesn’t feel her tense up…they can sense fear, ya know!

Each baby is different, and you can’t judge by the books…my daughter was a 15 minutes each side, each hour…for the first month. My son was better at draining the breast, so he didn’t need to be fed quite so often, but still a half hour every couple hours for the first few months. My nephew, the vacuum pump? Much more effiecient…could drain you in 10 minutes, tops.

31

We’ve had two more feedings since my last post. They were both from the bottle. One was started by my BIL and finished by me because my niece wanted a break and my BIL went to go comfort my sister who had started to cry again. The second one was all from me because my sister was crying some more and my BIL had stuff to do for his business (he runs his own business from home, so there is a limit to how much stuff can be put on hold). Both of the feedings were formula, no breast milk, but my sister is continuing to pump.

I haven’t asked why, but I’ve noticed that my sister has not done any of the bottle feedings. I suspect it’s too depressing for her, but it’s one of those things that I don’t want to push. It doesn’t feel like my place to ask, so I’m not going to.

So far, I’ve been telling her what a good mom she is and how obvious it is that her daughter loves her. What blows my mind is that my BIL can say the exact same thing and it makes her cry harder, but she accepts it as genuine from me. I’ve been doing chore type things without being asked and being available for baby care stuff, but waiting to be asked so I don’t step on any new parent toes.

My poor BIL is at a lost. He wants to revel in this new little miracle, but his wife looks at the baby and breaks down into tears. Tonight he asked her to move some baby stuff in the nursery closet so he could get to business stuff that was also stored there. He asked in a tone that sounded reasonable to everyone around who hadn’t just given birth, but to my sister it felt like he was telling her she was a horrible mom who couldn’t even keep the nursery tidy. This spurred a cleaning streak during which she was sobbing the entire time. Life in our household is fun.

Thank you all again for the stories. They give me hope that my sister will one day return to the quasi-sane person she used to be. I also have hope because I just found out that one of the lactation specialists she called may have an opening tomorrow. Please, dear God, let her get in tomorrow.

32

But you said she ended up being okay with breast milk.

MissMossie, you sound like a heck of a sister.

33

Awwww…poor sister. It’s so good she has you there to help her. This is such a rough time, hormone-wise, and to have someone there who can take care of the baby is such a blessing. Give her another hug from all of us.

34

I’m sorry she’s having such a rough time. When does she see her own doctor next? It sounds to me like she may be headed for postpartum depression, if she’s not there already.

Can you go with her to the LC tomorrow (if she gets in)? Sometimes it’s hard to remember everything they tell you, and it helps to have another person there who is not completely addled with new-mommy brain. If you go just to observe, you can even take notes and read them back to the LC at the end of the appointment to be sure that you all have it straight.

Having a new baby is hard. You’re a really good sister to be hanging in there with her like this.

35

My heart goes out to her. Those first few weeks with a new baby really ARE rough, no matter what!

Do you have any friends with new(-ish) babies who are breastfeeding? Just being around other mums who are doing it - especially if they’re just a little bit further down the track - can be calming to the emotions - it just normalises the whole thing.

Especially if you can get two or more in the room at the same time - then when she finds out that one friend has had completely different feeding issues than the ones she has had it’ll be ok - because the third one will be different to BOTH of them!

When my first baby was showing signs of jaundice, I was told to give her plenty of breastmilk (and sunshine). What gives with that?

36

Wow, you are a good sister. Keep it up. I second the idea of going to the lactation consultation with her.

37

Sorry to hear about your sister’s problems! My nephew was born a month ago and luckily my sister-in-law had no problem. Her milk came right in and the baby nursed vigorously. He gained 4 ounces in the first 4 days. However, one of my sister-in-law’s nipples became very painful and cracked, so she could not breastfeed on that breast and has to pump until it heals. She can pump a ton of milk in one sitting. This was sort of a blessing in disguise (for me) because that meant we could feed him bottles of breast milk!! The baby never had a problem with the bottle v. the breast. He switches back and forth with no problem. Your niece will get it eventually!

By the way, that kid’s hair is gorgeous! Thick light reddish-blond hair in a newborn, how fabulous! My nephew hardly has any hair yet :frowning:

38

Yeah, which sounds to me like she had been fed the formula, found it good, then given the New Food and gone “uh? is this edible? really? it doesn’t taste the same! I want the good stuff! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

A bit early to be a picky eater, but I can picture my youngest brother (now 31) doing that if Mom’s milk had delayed a bit longer than it did.

Mosie, your sister might have post partum depression. It’s the kind of illness which, if treated, goes away fast with no further problems, but if untreated can be a royal bitch. It’s caused by a hormonal imbalance (her body needs to come off the “give birth hormones” and go back to the regular cycle, but this takes some time) but of course and like with any other depression, any little grain of sand becomes the K2.

39

Butterbaby was one of those babies who would NOT latch on. We tried everything, so did the nurses and specialist in the hospital, our family doctor, her pediatrician. She latched one once, it took me holding her still from her kicking and punching and a specialist opening her mouth and positioning her onto me and then holding her in place to get her to do it. But no, she was not going to latch on by herself. She was very jaundiced and I too was told to give her a 24 hour break from my breastmilk (by day 2 I was expressing milk). We went to formula for 24 hours and her bilirubin levels went down. I can’t remember precisely why but it had something to do with us having different blood types, I’m O, she’s A but we are both rhesus positive. Maybe someone more medical can help…

As I said, we tried everything: feeding her breastmilk from a syringe so she wouldn’t get a ‘taste’ for bottles, letting her lap breastmilk from a cup… But she wouldn’t latch on and on the 7th day she HAD to have a bottle, or go into hospital on a drip. She was losing weight, was dehydrated and her jaundice was geting worse, meantime I was in danger of developing mastitis. So we did as the doctor suggested and then this was our programme:
I would express milk and keep it in the fridge ready for a feed. When Butterbaby was next hungry we would warm the bottle while I tried to get her latched on. If it worked fine, if it didn’t, (which it never did), there was a bottle of milk waiting for her. When she was finished with her bottle I expressed milk ready for the next time. This helped with the expressing, having her feed first even from a bottle stimulated the milk and it was pretty easy pumping! I expressed milk for 5 months and then called it a day.

Trust me, I heard it all from the breastfeeding gestapo! Breast is best… You won’t have a close bond… blah blah…guilt guilt guilt…

However, for the sake of your own sanity, you have to do what is best for you, your baby and the sanity of all those involved.
Tell your sister she should try as much as she feels able, but saying ‘enough’ is not failing, it is just realising you need to do the best for your child, not what everyone else thinks is best. Accepting that your baby won’t latch on is heartbreaking - really it is, you feel like a total failure as a mother. I cried buckets those first few days, I’ve never felt so helpless, my own brand new baby and I couldn’t even feed her… However, we are all different as are our children. Maybe your niece just needs to be bottle fed. Keep trying with the breastmilk, after all the great value is the milk, not how it gets into the baby.

It does sound though like your sister may be depressed, and this certainly isn’t helping. Does your BIL think so too? Give her and the baby as much time as possible together and try and encourage your sister to do one of the bottle feeds, you can snuggle just as well when bottle feeding. Maybe they need some time to be calm and quiet together.

Last thing: that absolute best thing for sore nipples is extra virgin olive oil. Rub it on after a feed, it’s amazing. It also does not have to be washed or wiped off before the next feed so your poor nipples get more of a rest and less of a scrubbing! And it’s 100% natural!

40

Sorry for the double post, took longer tham 5 mins to type:

As for the baby not wanting the breastmilk, I can only think, as others have mentioned, that maybe she didn’t like the taste that time. The flavour changes depending on what mum has eaten. I seem to remember reading somewhere that high levels of hormones can also make breastmilk taste funny. I am sure the lactation specialist will be able to talk about these things much more knowledgably than I!