I really enjoy reading the comics thread here in the Cafe but can’t help but notice a decent amount of frustration with some of the more blatent absurdities or insults to the intelligence of the audience.
If you could impose one specific rule on the comics universe (that all titles everywhere had to follow) what would it be and who would it be named after?
Mine:
The Jean Grey Rule: Once a character has died, they stay dead. Period. No Clones, Magic or other eye-rolling plot devices. Dead characters stay dead- forever.
Heroes must be Heroes --that is, people who are willing to fight for others. Not just costumed nutjobs who beat each other up for fun, or over grudges, or for incomprehensible goals.
If you said it happened (in Issue#10 or Issue#427 or whenever) you’re stuck with it. No “Oooh, that was actually a dream”. No “…and as it actually turns out, that entire universe was a parallel universe to to the one where…”. And yeah, no “rebooting”.
The Interconnectedness Rule: Your title exists in a universe. If you’re going to change things that effect the rest of the universe, take them into account. (See: Byrne’s Doom Patrol, destroying the Green Lantern Corps.)
If a bad guy is beaten more than, say, 3 or 4 times, have the hero decide it’s not worth the effort and kill the bugger. The Joker’s gone to jail/asylum 300 or 400 times by now, you think someone would just whack him.
The Hero Limit. Once you reach a certain number of superheroes (24 seems like a nice, round number) if you want to introduce another, you have to kill off an old one.
The Realistic Ethics of Fighting Rule: It’s totally hypocritical of superheroes to moralize about how they refuse to kill when they are constantly slamming villains in the head, usually with superstrong blows, which would inevitably kill the recipient unless said villain is superstrong himself (and many aren’t).
Rule #219: It’s not fair for characters to have any superpower the plot needs them to have. Take a character, pick one singular power, and stick with it!
1: The Franklin Richards Rule Have the characters age and, when it’s their time, move on. They don’t have to age in real time, but they should age at least one year for every three years of publication. If you want to keep publishing Batman 65 years after he’s been introduced, keep him as a 40s period piece, or have Terry McGinnis take over the role in present-day. It’s creepy that Reed Richards’ 36-year-old son still wears rocket-ship underoos.
2: The Patsy Walker Rule While they should have to lump the consequences of bad stories they’ve published, I make an exception for stories that no one read or liked. Stories by writers and editors who clearly have no grasp of the character can be consigned to apocrapha, especially if they sold like crap.
3: The Spidey in Space Rule Characters who are basically street-level vigilantes are enjoined from going into outer space or to alien worlds more than three times total in their published careers.
4: The Howard the Duck Three Strikes Rule If an initially popular and successful character is hopelessly ruined by three or more subsequent writers after the creator has moved on, the character’s copyright shall be summarily given to said original writer.
5: The Carol Danvers Rule If a female character is depicted as politically aware, socially conscious and possessing of an IQ healthily into the three digit range, the artist of the feature is enjoined from drawing her as a hard-nippled dominatrix
6: The “Magneto Had a Point” Rule No more than three X-books, total. Pick one for Wolverine per month.
The I waited a year for this? rule: writers should only embark on ludicrously long storylines when 6+ issues are actually required to tell the story. Whenever possible, stories should be told in a concise manner, perhaps even in a (gasp) stand-alone issue. If a writer feels that his story warrants an extended storyline, he should also be sure it doesn’t end in a complete and utter anticlimax.
Why, yes, I’m reading Rucka’s Wonder Woman right now, why do you ask?
The Spiderman canNOT beat Firelord Rule:
Writers will be enjoined from having clearly outclassed heroes defeating foes vastly superior to said heroes ‘just because’. See ‘Black Cat/Sabretooth’; ‘Deathstroke/Green Lantern - JL’; and ‘Batman cannot beat anyone as long as he is prepared’ for further examples.
A multi-issue story line should be contained in issues of a single title. I’ve always abhorred stories that sprawled (wandered might be a better term) through several titles, especially when some of those titles were ones I didn’t normally follow.
If you’re going to have a title wide crossover, meaning my comic budget starts to infringe on my ability to pay my mortgage, it better damn well be worth it.
The Image Comics Rule:
Here’s a thought. Put your monthly series’ out every month!!
The Dante Posting Rule:
Don’t reply to the actual OP. Go off on a tangent about something that ticks you off…
Every character (or team of characters, if they function primarily as a team) should have one writer who acts as Master of Continuity for that character. Only the Master of Continuity can write books starring his characters. For crossovers (or teams consisting of mostly independent characters), both (or all) Masters of Continuity need to collaborate. If a writer wants to do something which would impact the backstory or development of a character who isn’t his own, he needs to get approval from that character’s Master of Continuity. This also applies to substances or devices associated with a particular character.
The Marvel circa 2004 AD Rule: If you’re just putting out issues just to collect them in trade form two months after the last issue is out, don’t bother putting out the issues at all.
Likewise, if there is going to be a three-issue “introduction” to what will eventually be the trade, don’t waste my money on it in the montly series.
The John Kerry is Captain America Rule: Cap can either like or not like America, but changing his mind more often than a WWF hero changes between a villain and a hero is not allowed.
The Stephen King Rule - [Grandpa Simpson]Brian Michael Bendis writes too many books. Please eliminate two. [/Grandpa Simpson]
The Barbara Gordon Rule - Do not cripple a character in a super-technological world where people can be almost entirely reconstructed via magic or science and make it stick. It is not plausible.
The Fourth World Rule - Jack Kirby is dead. Stop humping his corpse.