Come up with bad re-release ideas for existing films.
“La Passion de Jeanne d’Arc: In a new 3D Extravaganza!”
“Saving Private Ryan - Digitally remastered and family friendly: All of the guns have been replaced with walkie-talkies!:”
Come up with bad re-release ideas for existing films.
“La Passion de Jeanne d’Arc: In a new 3D Extravaganza!”
“Saving Private Ryan - Digitally remastered and family friendly: All of the guns have been replaced with walkie-talkies!:”
And the word “Nazi” has been replaced with “Person with political differences”
Finally, “Citizen Kane” in Living Color and chronological order.
As a gesture of sensitivity toward the wiccan community, the re-dubbed “The Wizard of Oz” features “The Wicked Fundamentalist of the West”.
But I’d have a hard time topping this supposedly true example:
“A movie theater manager in South Korea decided that the running time of ‘The Sound of Music’ was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs.”
http://www.mit.edu/afs/athena/activity/h/humor/Generic/best.and.worst
Of course, there’s always the “Love Conquers All” version of Brazil.
http://www.reel.com/movie.asp?MID=116&PID=10047492&Tab=reviews&CID=18 (See “Day Three”.)
Gigli: now with deleted scenes so we can pretend that Bennifer is still together. Since America misses our favorite celebrity couple so much already.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, with all mistakes, bad plot twists, and nonsensical parts cut out. The re-release will be approximately 43 seconds long.
Along the same lines as Ilsa_Lund, LOTR: Pacifist Edition. All battle scenes replaced by roundtable discussions and doughnuts, and the Elves repair Aragorn’s mobile in secret.
Oh, and releasing Unbreakable as (warning, plot spoilers): Unbreakable: The Longwinded Tale of S.L. Jackson commiting Mass Murder while Trying to Find His Opposite
Pulp Fiction with all the curse words bleeped out.
“My Dinner with Andre,” IMAX version
Nah.
Pixar’s Pulp Fiction - The Musical!
A completely colorized version of Pleasantville.
I don’t think I can top the once-contemplated remake of Kind Hearts and Coronets with Will Smith as the killer and Robin Williams as the members of the D’Ascoyne family.
Starship Troopers: The Musical
There’s a bug!
There’s a bug!
It feeeeeeeeeels like…
My laser rifle’s kicking up!
Just like my heeeeeeeeeeeels!
Pink Flamingoes: the IMAX Experience (sponsored by Baby Ruth candybars and Iams)
Smokey & the Bandit Two: Silver Anniversary Director’s Cut- instead of three Jackie Gleason characters there are now more than 350 (ala Agent Smith in the last two Matrix movies), including one of every known ethnicity and one who is a talking reptile.
Jefferson in Paris in 3-D “Sally, would you pass our guests some… corn?” (insert SCTV “doo-wee- doooo-wee” sound effects here)
Godfather Three: the Apology Sofia Coppola has been digitally replaced with a CGI Betty Boop.
David Lynch’s DUNE: the Final Cut- with 32 hours of additional footage (most of it characters looking into the camera while an internal monologue plays)
JFK-Y2K4-Stone’s JFK is back with two additional hours of distortions, half-truths and outright prevarifications (including a link between JFK’s death and the producers of Gomer Pyle: USMC
the Monkees in Head- every purchaser of twelve or more tickets receives a free concert from Peter Tork.
Rollerball now with all the annoying politcal stuff taken out.
{whisper whisper}
What?
They already did that?
No way!
Memento is now in chronological order.
Raising Arizona is now the story of a boondocks couple that have a baby and a mean biker who smokes cigarettes takes it.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai In The Eighth Dimension, as remade by Dean Devlin, Roland Emerich, and Joel Schumacher.
That disgusting gurgling noise you just heard is the sound of three million geeks committing hari-kari in disgust…
You do realize that the Saving Private Ryan/walkie-talkie bit was already done on the South Park episode where they fight Lucas and Speilberg for changing their movies?
Gotta admit, it was funny seeing someone have a walkie-talkie aimed at them and their arm blowing off.
Oh, dammit. I truly had forgotten that, though I saw the episode.
I’m racking my brains, but I can’t figure out which 43 seconds of the movie would be kept in. The final credits, perhaps?
Deliverance Redux- includes restored footage of Ned Beatty’s flirting with the hillbilly and the scene in which he curses out Burt Reynolds for killing “the only man who ever loved me!”, plus a new Dueling Banjo’s video with Lester Flatt and Steve Martin.
Orphans of the Storm: in Dolby the great flaw of this silent classic is now corrected as the sisters Girard (Dorothy and Lillian Gish) are voiced by Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Highlights include the lines “His name’s Picard… just like Jean-Luc! How f_cking cool is that!” and the scene in which they flirt with the executioner and nickname him “Chops”. (Other voices include Nathan Lane, Ernie Sabella, Kelsey Grammer and a cameo by Ellen Degeneres as a very forgetful Robespierre.)
Schindler’s List Redux- the wacky outtakes have been restored to the trailers, plus if you’re the first to spot E.T. in the Nazi party scene you could win a trip to Bermuda.