Coming to London ?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Some useful advice to anyone thinking of visiting the UK some time as a tourist :

  • ‘Bobbies’ - the British Police - now prefer to be called ‘Titheads’, and have a secret signal that involves raising the middle finger of your left hand at them
  • Why not visit the quaint village of Dagenham ?
  • At Windsor Castle there is a fifty pound spot prize for the first person to sit in the Queen’s throne
  • All taxis in London are free - just get out and walk away when you reach your destination. The proper name for a London taxi driver is a “sponger”
  • The Tower of London has been moved to Swindon, which is walking distance from any West End hotel
  • The National Gallery allows visitors to take pictures home with them - you don’t even have to ask, they’ve got loads
  • Changing the Guards at Buckingham Palace is made twice as good if you join in
  • The Houses of Parliament have a fifteen minute “guest spot” which allows any visitor to get up and sing. ‘Simply the Best’ by Tina Turner goes down very well
  • The Police need as much help as possible with the capital’s heavy traffic, and are always on the lookout for volunteers to direct traffic around Trafalgar Square. Just buy a helmet from any souvenir stall, and start work straight away !

Enjoy your visit to England, your country’s embassy will be more than helpful if any of this advice is outdated or inaccurate.

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Keep making posts like this one and you’re sure to be a hit around here!

Welcome.

CF

3

Thanks, talking utter rubbish is a hobby of mine.

4

Wow!..thanks for the advice!
When are you coming to New York?
We have similar traditions around here.

  1. Always play the card game called Three card Monte.(It is state sponsored)You can find it being played on alot of street corners.
  2. Rolex watches are VERY cheap here due to the high volume we sell.Always buy at least five from the street vendors.(they have the best prices)
  3. The Brooklyn bridge is NOT for sale.Don’t let anyone tell you it is!We only let you lease it by the hour.The going rate is 100$ an hour.You in turn,get to keep all tolls taken during that hour.
    4)Ask any NYPD officer if he is realted to Justin Volpe.He’ll give you a discount coupon to our local resort called Rikers Island.
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Lucky for you Zico, cops in London don’t carry guns.

6

They don’t vcarry guns, but suspects do have a nasty habit of “falling down the stairs” back at the police station.

7

Helpful hints for visitors to Los Angeles:

  1. All the best hotels have the number “6” somewhere in their name. For the utmost in comfort, stay at a mega-hotel (motel for short).

  2. Our money is all the same color, and we’re not very observant, so try to pass off a single for a twenty dollar bill, every chance you get.

  3. Don’t rent a car. You can pretty much get anywhere in the Greater LA area, in less than 20 minutes, using our great public transit system.

  4. Visit Catalina Island. It’s in international waters, so anything goes; gambling, prostitution, drugs, etc. We call Catalina “Little Amsterdam”.

  5. The Los Angeles River: White water rafting, waterskiing, swimming. We call it the “Urban Colorado”.

  6. Griffith Park. Best hunting in America. Elephants, lions, tigers, bears…and you don’t need a hunting license! Just pick up a 12-guage at the near-by Walmart, and start shooting.

  7. Beaches. Don’t waste your time. They’re filthy and there’s never any decent surf. If you want to go swimming, stick to the river or that great swimming hole next to the LA County Museum of Art.

  8. Basketball. Don’t miss a chance to see LA’s pride and joy, the LA Clippers! I think there’s another team, but they’re not as good and I can’t think of their name, at the moment.

  9. Movie Stars: They all eat at Planet Hollywood…and the food there is world class…and inexpensive.

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Be sure to test out the echo in the reading room of the British library–Gerald Hoffnung