Let’s put together a comprehensive list of advice for anybody travelling anywhere - think of it as the things Lonely Planet ignored:
England
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Traditionally, very few people go to the pub before eleven o’clock. In deference to this habit, and spotting you as ‘out-of-town’, a bartender may jokingly pretend that he is unable to serve you after this time.
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Margaret Thatcher is universally admired. Mentioning her up in conversation is sure to enamour you to any locals.
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The best day to buy fish-and-chips is Monday, to get the freshest catch.
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If you are unsure about the routes and times of public transport, hail any bus and enquire with the driver. They will without fail be helpful and polite.
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Northerners - people from the North of England - have a reputation for being kind-hearted, friendly and welcoming. They are aware of this, and will be pleased to hear you describe them as a “Soft poof”.
London
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Thanks to Ken Livingstone, the right-wing mayor, bus travel in the centre of London is now free. If a conductor approaches you, state your destination and he will issue a free day ticket.
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A pedestrian right-of-way law exists on Oxford Street.
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Be sure to visit Madame Tussaud’s, an eighteenth-century brothel restored to its original condition.
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Stand of the left of escalators.
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By the end of your stay, you will no doubt feel you’ve not seen enough of the city. Don’t worry - hire a car for your final day, and enjoy a quiet drive through pleasant suburbs such as Watford, Slough and Croyden. Here you will really experience what it is like to live in England.