Inspired by a bad Smirnoff Ice commercial, I got to thinking about commercial alternate realities – what happens in the commercial and what would happen in real life.
Example:
Smirnoff Ice Reality: Two lowlife skanky looking guys are doing their wash in a laundromat and downing Smirnoff Ices. Three reasonably good looking women come in. The two guys look at each other, have a "Mentos" moment, and start overfilling all the machines with soap. The result is a foam-filled discotech with hot, wet chicks rising out of the foam irresistably and inexplicably attracted to aforementioned lowlifes.
Real Life: Two lowlife skanky looking guys are doing their wash in a laundromat and downing Smirnoff Ices. Three reasonably good looking women come in. (A stretch, but it could happen.) The two guys look at each other, have a "Mentos" moment, and start overfilling all the machines with soap. The women, in unison, screech "What are you morons doing?" and flee the premises, fingering their aerosols of Mace. One of the guys slips in the suds, fracturing his skull. Both are arrested and charged with vandalism and public intoxication. Damage runs into the thousands of dollars and they are sued by the owner of the laundromat. Oh yeah, and the Smirnoff Ice ends up tasting of soap.
OK, now you do one.
Jack in the Box reality: “Jack” arranges a purchase of chipotle peppers from a Mexican pepper stand. Hilarity ensues as the woman selling peppers and her son try to educate Jack on the proper way to say “chipotle,” which he can’t get right. His mouth contorts into stranger and stranger shapes as he mangles the syllables, worse each time. Finally, the pepper merchant, disgusted, says “Just go.”
Real Life: Transaction never takes place because the woman and her boy run away screaming from the tall man with the big painted ball where his head should be.
Commercial:
Katherine Zeta Jones yells “freeze” in a bowling alley. Everyone stops while she gives the kid on a date a cell phone.
Reality: No one can hear her yell this because of all the noise in the bowling alley so she leaves but on the way out someone recognizes her and asks for her autograph.
Other Jack-in-the-Box commercial reality: Guy pulls up to drive-thru, asks to talk to Jack. “Just a moment,” the cashier says, and…well, don’t get me started on that again.
Actual reality: Guy pulls up and asks to speak with Jack. Cashier says, “What?”. Guy says, “Can I talk to Jack?”. Cashier says, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.” Guy gets mad and drives off, in spite of his hunger and possession of about a buck. No money changes hands. No 99 cent tacos are consumed.
Man wakes up wife because his throat hurts. Wife fetches Sucrets. Husband, his throat relieved, falls asleep while wife, unable to get back to sleep, plays solitaire.
Reality:
Man wakes up wife because his throat hurts. Woman starts ridiculing him for his infantile behaviour. Man becomes enraged and hits wife. Neighbors calls police. Film crew from Cops shows up.
McDonald’s Reality: Woman orders. Cashier asks if she wants a 99 cent sundae. Woman acts as if this is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to her. “Am I the one millionth customer?” she squeals in glee as if angels and seraphim were about to descend and feed it to her from golden spoons.
Reality: Woman orders. Cashier asks if she wants a 99 cent sundae. Woman says "No, if I wanted a sundae, I would have ordered one. Thank you."
Bud Light Reality: A couple is shopping for a diamond ring. The guy sees a hot woman outside the store with a Bud Light, and she seems to be giving him a “come over here” gesture. He goes after her and it winds up interupting a commercial which she was being filmed for. Back in the store, the guy just stands there while his fiancee coos over the really big diamonds.
Real Life, Possibility #1: While flattered, the guy doesn’t do anything because he loves his fiancee.
Real Life, Possibilty #2: The fiancee leaves him and, after some sadness about her relationship ending, gets on with her life.
VW commercial: guy gets up every day, changes clothes, and goes to work in office full of more drones, only to be inspired by the sight of a VW convertible bug.
Real life: guy goes to buy one, finds out he’s number 386 on the list of people who also seek to find original life by purchasing a car.