Communication, marriage and compromise

My marriage is in crisis ATM. I think that a little comprimise could solve the entire issue, but Ginger isn’t willing to meet me halfway. Here’s what happened.

Last night we were watching highlights from “Coming to America” starring Eddie Murphy, including the scene in the bath where the topless woman comes up out of the water and says “The royal penis is clean, your highness”. That’s when it hit me. That phrase, that magnificant phrase, would be the key to my happyness. Oh how I would love to hear that phrase fall from the honeyed lips of my georgeous wife as she bared her breasts. I immediately made this desire know to her. I assumed that she would be thrilled. Something she could do, something so simple, which would bring instant happiness and joy to me, her one true love.

She was not as enthsiastic about my plan as I had hoped.

Well, fair enough, marriage is about compromise, isn’t it? I first offered to treat her to frequent renditions of my best Wesley from “The Princess Bride”. “As you wish” on demand was a pretty nice concession on my part, but she wasn’t impressed.


Next, I tried to lessen the sexual imperative of the phrase. We don’t have to use it in the bedroom, I offered, in fact, that’s something I would like to hear anytime. Why, she could even say it places where it would be impossible for any sexual contact to occur, like: The grocery store; “Honey, do we like Libby’s corn or Green Giant?” “Speaking of giants, The royal penis is clean, your highness”, the laundry; “Should I put these in the big washer?” “No need for the big washer, The royal penis is clean, your highness”, or the movie theatre “Let’s see Titanic!” “I’ve seen it, and The royal penis is clean, your highness”.

This suggestion was met with catcalls, even when I made the ultimate concession of not requiring her to bare her breasts when uttering it if we were in public.

So, we remain at an impass. Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is, especially since we’ve been going round and round about it for long enough that I am sure the phrase is burned into her brain to the point where if she gets pulled over by a cop and he askes “Where’s the fire?”, she’ll prolly respond “The royal penis is clean, your highness” ( which, now that I think about it, might get her out of the ticket anyway. Yea, all of this is in her best interest, damnit! )

Thus I humbly petition you, my fellow dopers, for ideas. What can I do, what concession can I make, in order to get my wife to speak those seven magic words? The entire future of my marriage depends on y’all, please don’t let me down!

You are such a dork.

No, no, you say that all the time anyway, that’s not the phrase I’m talking about!

This is most interesting. Reminds me, believe it or not, of a workplace situation some years ago.

I was working on a design project with Chuck - he was the project leader, I was a flunky. I was designing one area and I came up with a couple of alternatives. I presented them to Chuck to get his feedback. As we were discussing the choices, I said “You’re the boss - I’ll do it any way you want.”

WELL, that was music to Chuck’s ears. From then on, he would periodically ask me to say that phrase. Lucky for him, he never demanded that I bare anything. I’d say the phrase on demand, knowing what power it held. He got his ego boosted. I was amused.

Take it for what it’s worth, Ginger. But I have to say, they’re so cute when they get their egos stroked!


In the spirit of compromise, how about modifying the phrase a bit to make it more palatable to her? Like, “the royal penis is clean, your dorkness.”

Dude, just get a WAV file of that line from the movie and make it the startup sound on your computer. And play it loud. You’ll get to hear it and it’ll still annoy her. Problem solved.

Hmmm…how about a few weeks of saying to her, “The royal breasts are magnificent, your highness”. Might get her into that whole monarchical mindset.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Umm, ah, it appears Weirddave prefers something else to be stroked and/or choked.


Issues man :smiley:

See what I’m dealing with? This is not the response of a rational woman!

Well, y’all can make it a little bit better by emailing me pictures of your boobs with the subject “The royal penis is clean, your highness”. It’s not what I had wanted or hoped for, but it would be a sop to my poor, fragile, currently shattered libido sob!. Please, help poo’ widdle ole me out!

It’s so hard to be me, damnit!

Liquid carbolic and a scrub brush. That’ll clean the royal penis.

This is from my wife! Not me! Flame her!

“Your problem is, you are waiting for that phrase as a reply to something. I suggest you start with these seven words: ‘I have an expensive gift for you!’ Seven words for seven words.”

The response of a rational woman is:

The royal dork is high, you penis.

Friend Dave, I feel your pain, but only in a manly man sense. Women are so cruel. I suggest adopting the following song as your new anthem:

OK Ginger, if he wants movie snippets then give him movie snippets…

*…When he phones you, there’s always “What is your bidding, my master?” complete with Darth sound effects - works especially well over office speaker phones.

*…Request for anything you don’t feel like (including sex) – “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave” in the perfect HAL9000 monotone

*…When you do want to – “Yes, Master” ala Jeanie
and, of course, the perfect response when he asks for the Penis phrase??

Point and laugh.
Dave? I ain’t got no help for ya… Sorry. :slight_smile:

:: passes ** Ginger ** her favorite husband bonking skillet :: Here ya go ** Gingy ** just remember to give it back. I am sure my ** LIONsob ** will need a head bonking in the future.

WeirdDave, you are either brave, or very silly.

Ginger, another snippet from The Princess Bride for you:

“Stand your ground, Men! Stand your ground!”

Dude, give it up.
You’re not getting this one. Stop trying now so maybe you might be able to get something like it in the future.
You’ve polarized this thing by making it a public discussion and there’s simply no way for your wife to fulfill your request and maintain any dignity.

Granted, I believe your cause to be just.

I think I’m sensing a lack of trust on the part of your wife that you won’t sell her out if she does announce the royal penis to be clean publicly. I mean, I think she’s not so sure that you won’t make her feel stupid about it by, oh, say, broadcasting it on the internet.

Also, I think she had no ownership in the joke in the first place. You thought it was funny, she didn’t. Next time maybe try some finesse in getting her to say something like it, then laugh like hell.


set it up so it’s a private joke between you two and you both keep other people out of it. Either way, she needs to be part of the joke, cause at this point the joke’s as much on her as anyone else.

Maybe try saying “pretty please?”

greck, dear. I am the wife in question. Perhaps you didn’t know that?