1,000 White Doves
Hi, I’m Joe Keith. I shoot birds at the airport to keep them from flying into plane engines. That is, I used to. I was fired after the infamous “Dove Incident”.
You see, my girlfriend, Loantha, was about to break up with me. I knew this because she said, “I’m about to break up with you, Joe Keith.” I needed to buy her something expensive, like snow tires. I knew this because she said, “You need to buy me something expensive.” She didn’t mention snow tires, but I think I know my woman.
I couldn’t afford snow tires on my regular salary, so I needed to work some overtime. My chance came one spring day when a shipment of 1,000 white doves switched planes at my airport on the way to JFK’s wedding. I get paid five bucks a bird, so this would be an excellent opportunity, if I planned it right, of course. One thousand white doves lying shot in their cages might bring a little suspicion my way, you see. So, I shot them in their cages and then dumped them out alongside the main runway. This way it just looked I had been working very hard.
My boss was surprised to say the least. But, he likes my positive attitude, so he forked over the $5,000. I took my Loantha out for a night on the town like she’d never seen before. We hit all the hot spots. McDonald’s, All-You-Can-Eat KFC Buffet, even the Wal-Mart downtown. She was really impressed. I knew this because she said, “I’m really impressed, Joe Keith.” When she first saw her new snow tires, I could see the love in her eyes. I knew it was love because she looked almost like she was crying.
Good times can’t last forever, though. Apparently JFK’s wedding just wasn’t the same without the doves. I’ve never been sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion that his disappointment at the wedding led to his womanizing later on. I tried to ask Marilyn Monroe, but she never returned my letters. And for some reason her number is unlisted. I’ll have to ask her about that in my next letter… Anyway, JFK wanted to know what the hell had happened to his doves. And JFK always gets what he wants.
I had tried my hardest to cover up where the doves had come from, but I guess that my plan must have had a flaw somewhere. Within a month of the wedding, my airport was crawling with federal agents. They soon found the dove cages, even though I had thrown a tarp over them. They never found the doves, though, I sold them to KFC so I could get a discount on the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. But that’s a story for another day…
Eventually the missing doves were traced back to me. I think that my boss ratted me out. He may have liked my positive attitude, but I always knew he was out to get me. There was nothing I could do. I had been found out.
They never arrested me, though. No, that would have been too simple. Instead they put my picture in every paper in the country, next to the headline “Communist Pervert Murders Helpless Doves!” I became a hated man, an outsider from normal society.
After I lost my job at the airport, Loantha had no respect for me anymore. I knew this because she said, “I have no respect for you anymore, you communist pervert!” She left me and married my boss. I hope that someday a plane crash kills them both, but I really have no hard feelings.
I live in a dump now. It’s not so bad, really. I have a nice abandoned trailer that still has most of its windows. It’s pretty nice except when it rains or snows. I shoot rats now, and I get $2.50 per rat. It might not be rockstar money, but I think I do ok. I still blame JFK for all my misfortunes, though. Sometimes, in my darker moments. I wish that something bad would happen to him…