[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Kinsey *
**
There’s something called “Gatorwrench” or something similiar that can screw in anything, and they show this woman “trying to use an ordinary set of wrenches” to put together and swing-set, and, man–she jsut cannot handle it! The screws keep falling out of her hands, and she chooses the wrong size wrench. . . she’s all running back and forth going crazy–thank God for the Gatorwrench.
The original one (in the order I saw it, back circa 89): {b]Liquid Lustre** A combination cleaner and carnauba wax, some time later they went mass-market, Consumer Reports declared it a just-OK car polish. Then came Auri, a so-called “space-age polymer” – I believe this one featured an early appearance by the Annoying Little Bow-Tied Brit Twit – that was put to the exact same stress tests.
The trick is, if you apply two good coats wax (and the instructions do recommend that you apply it twice), you can do all sorts of Stupid Car tricks and count on that if you stop the assault in less than 10 seconds, only the outer layer of wax will really be damaged (if it hasn’t had time to weather down).
This is a must read for anyone who’s seen that infomercial:
http://www.stomptokyo.com/extras/nads/index.htm
Eq
I had a professor in college who did “mathemagics.” Basically, he was one of those scary people who multiplies in his head faster than I can on a calculator (although by the time we’re talking about 4 digit numbers, the calculator starts to win). Apparently, he wrote a book about this, and put together an infomercial trying to sell it. I’ll have to see if I can dig up anything about it, but if true, it would have to be about the most useless product ever sold. “Amaze your friends! Impress small children! Multiply big numbers in your head! All this can be yours for only 6 easy installments of $29.95!”
Was it Scott Flansberg?
I’m guessing you don’t work in marketing.
oh-bee-kay-bee-flow-bee
I don’t understand this post. Do you think I work for Flowbee? I don’t.
Do you work for SuperCuts?
Huh? No. I was merely amused by the statement “instead of waiting an hour for the Stylist to give me a bad haircut… …I can get the same [bad] haircut at home.” Made me think of the commercials and, while the post seemed Pro-Flowbee, the line itself made me laugh. Unless the line was just sarcasm, in which case it made me laugh anyway. Can’t say I ever used one myself, but I’ve heard of people who like them and if you have a fairly standard haircut, I don’t see where it’d be any worse of a trimming device than the electric clippers.
Around here (Midwest US) the ads for the Exercise with Electroshock thingy now show it as a massager…
A big second for the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices - the owner, has a book out as well…
:eek: Yet another sign that civilization as we know it is ending. But no, it was Art Benjamin. I’ll leave looking this up to you.
Ah, but the last line is the key to a great haircut using a Flowbee. An electric clippers and the ability to contort your body is a necessary element in order to be able to avoid the dreaded mullet. 
There is also something pleasant about vacuuming your head, I mean skull, uhhh… you people are disgusting. 
It was so sad when the good folks who made Abflex ran into trouble with the FTC. But thankfully, now there’s Abflex 2 (and it’s even slicker lookin’ than the original), and you can again have rock hard six pack abs in just three minutes a day.
Infomercial Hall of Fame/Shame:
William J. McCorkle (the slickest of them all, before he got busted and sent to jail)
Don Lapre (very slick, Alex Keaton on speed)
Richard Simmons (gosh, you’d think America would have obesity in check after all his brilliant ideas)
Tony Robbins (huge teeth, huge head, pep pep pep rah rah)
Erik Estrada (must have been hard up for cash, he’s pushed psychic lines and time shares)
Carleton Sheets (rather mild-mannered for a real estate infomercial guru, this guy’s been on forever)
Tom Bosley (must be hard up for cash)
Tony Little (hyperactive little muscleman)
Miss Cleo (fake Carribean accent)
Tom Vu (become wealthy with his system and gorgeous women will be begging to join your harem)
Kevin Trudeau (do you remember him?)
Ron Popeil (actually sells some useful products if you ever get a craving for 30 lbs. of beef jerky or need to spray paint over a bald spot)
Jenilee Harrison (she was on the Abflex show, among others)
Dionne Warwick and Linda Georgian (All the best psychics, and none of them foresaw that the company would go bankrupt.)
Robert Vaughn (Discover–a documentary news show, but they always showed the “Helsinki Formula” episode)
Ron Legrand and the Rice twins (the two dwarves pimping Legrand’s real estate course on late night TV, this ad is a real eye catcher–amazingly, the so-called real estate guru never says a word)
Remember, though, there is one product that originated on infomercials that has totally lived up to the hype:
The George Foreman Grill
Sure, it doesn’t burn away much fat, but the food cooks fast and it’s GOOD. Some of the best burgers I’ve had outside of restaurants have been made on that thing. It makes tasty hot dogs too.
It’s also the greatest invention for college students since under-the-bed storage units.
Of course, like any good product, it’s advertised through more traditional means and comes in iMac colors now.
My favorite thing about the portrayals of the users of the “wrong” products is the choice of actors. It seems that the the person using the non-infomercial-hyped item is most often a rather plain (but not ugly) brunette woman.
When it is time for the new and improved product to be unveiled, a happy-shiny blonde woman appears to be the preferred type. Hardly surprising, given the current state of advertising, but interesting nonetheless.
Of course, the brunette usually appears to be suffering from some sort of palsy which would make using the “correct” product just as difficult as well. The amateur dramatics frowny face which is apparently permanently affixed to her face must make her social life tough as well.
Just for you: Dave Barry on Tony Robbins.
I really like Philosophocles’s list. Here’s a few I’d add:
John Parkin (The bow-tied Englishman who laments that no matter what you call it, oatmeal or porridge, it sticks just the same. Also did a set-fire-to-car-wax show. Most recently did Rocket Chef. Seen with the queen of infomercials…)
Nancy Nelson What can you say.
Arnold Morris (related to Ron Popeil. Definately from the old school. Can convince you to spend $30 for a $5 knife because you also get a gizmo to make slinky potatoes and another gadget to make a radish look like a rose)
Cathy Mitchell (Microcrisp, The Snak Master and most recently the Turbo Cooker. I like her motherly delivery)
The Oxi Clean Guy (I like his delivery. I’m sure that this product, along with orange glo, is no better or worse than any other cleaning product you’d find at K-Mart. But wait! we’ll supersize your 1.5 lb. tub to a 6 lb. bucket!)
The Daily Mixer Women (She pitched this product sometime in the early 90’s, disappeared, and is now back pitching it again).
Martha Stewart (Ok you say that this is a thread for worthless products. It is, but M.S. deserves mention because I think that she’s one of the great pitchmen (women) of all time. She knows how to sell the overpriced stuff but she also sells value items like her merchandise at K-Mart)
It breaks my heart every time I see Tom Bosley in an infomercial. Now, I’m not criticizing him; I know he’s probably outlived his residuals, and he has to make a living some kind of way. But I never thought Howard Cunningham would have anything to do with a get-rick-quick scam!