If it had turned out that this incident had killed the people in the other car, maybe.
Really? What responsibility do I share if someone crosses the centerline and hits me? What if I’m stopped at a light and someone slams into me from behind?
Just because someone shouldn’t be severely punished for an accident doesn’t mean that anyone else is somehow partially responsible for it happening. These people deservedly get ALL the blame. The question of how severe the punishment should be is an entirely separate question.
Yeah - well my point is basically that I don’t understand my point. I don’t think this guy is a bad person. One’s entire life is not wiped out by one negligent act. But, this WAS IMO a pretty huge fuck up. I guess I’m wondering such a fuck up - and subsequent response - will color my impression of him…
I guess I’ve lived a charmed life, that no one this close to me has done anything that harmed others and their family quite this much.
The former. By volunteering that he was entirely at fault and was not paying attention, he potentially increased his and his family’s exposure. Never any need to do so. Could always say, “I’m not sure what happened - it all happened so fast.”
Cue comments of me thinking “like a lawyer.”
I’d like to think they care. I presume they do. As far as I know, he’s been pretty doped up since, and the family has been pretty consumed with simply getting him out of harm’s way. But it strikes me as a little off kilter - for all the conversations/texts/etc we’ve had about my nephew’s health/mood and all, there has been ZERO mention of the other folk. Or the emotional toll/guilt resulting. Not saying they NEED to tell me or anyone else about it. Just saying it keeps coming to my mind.
I sure don’t know how to bring up the question myself. And I don’t know how much of my “curiosity” is simply morbid curiosity, or actually concern for this stranger’s health and how such concerns are affecting my sister’s family.
The problem for me is not that you are thinking like a lawyer, but that you seem to be mad at the kid for taking responsibility and for not taking responsibility in literally the same paragraph.
I mean, you seem to worry you can’t look at him the same because he hurt strangers, and being a person that hurts strangers trumps being a member of the family. But you also seem to think he should have lied to get out of paying strangers for the hurt he did them because he should be more concerned with protecting his family’s assets than with his ethical responsibility to strangers.
Well, if your sister is having a huge emotional collapse–she’s so worried for her son, so happy and relieved he’s ok, so angry at him for what he did, so guilty for being HAPPY when someone else was hurt, so angry at him for making her feel guilty, so unsure about what she should do or what is going to happen next–if all that’s going on, are you the person she’d tell? What comfort, what advice, what love and support, are you likely to offer?
Hypothesis: you see your nephew being cared for, both physically and emotionally as he recovers and considers the consequences, and you wonder if it crosses the line into him being almost a victim himself? And you realize that if you weren’t family, you wouldn’t see him as a victim at all - ??
It would be great, a sign of ownership, if all discussion of him and by him led off with “well, I/he was wrong and must own this, and within that context…” - but I don’t know how realistic that is.
Perhaps some sort of symbol could be fixed to the front of his clothes?
Or perhaps branded onto his forehead?
Well, I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, as I’m not the most emotional, compassionate, warm and fuzzy guy. And I’ve found myself unintentionally pissing people off in the past, by simply saying what I thought was sensible and relevant.
If YOU were this kid’s mom, and were communicating with your siblings, would you have mentioned the other accident victims even once? Would you have mentioned in passing that you and your son felt bad about what had happened?
I stink at interpersonal communication, so I’m sincerely asking for others’ points of view and experiences. I’m not “mad” with anyone about anything. And I and my family are not particularly close to this family. No real bad blood or anything, but just don’t live terribly close, don’t see each other often. Given this generally positive but somewhat detached relationship, I don’t want to say or do anything that ends up being THE defining factor in our families’ ongoing relationship. So publicly, I’ll stick to the platitudes.
Well, if you want to be safe, limit all comments to “I hope you (or your son or your nephew, etc.) recover fully soon.” Yes, platitudes are safest.
Yes, it would be better if the victims were mentioned more explicitly and/or more frequently. No, there is nothing to be done or said about it.
Not necessarily. I’d be dealing with a massive amount of stress and worry relating to my child. That would be the focus of my attention right now. I would definitely have thoughts about the other victims, but my kid would absolutely be my priority.
But as a more distanced person, I can absolutely understand why you would be thinking of the other victims.
I certainly hope you aren’t planning on asking these people about it. This is not the time.
I may well not have communicated it to a distant sibling that I don’t have much of an emotional connection to. Especially not while the situation was still on-going and telling you anything means making sure to tell you every time there is an update.
She may also not KNOW anything about how the other person is, how they are doing. Who is going to call her and tell her?
Put it this way: let’s say it was your kid who fucked up and he’s still hurt real bad–how far outside your intimate circle do you go before you stop telling people what a terrible person your kid is? Before you stop feeling obligated to make sure that the other person knows you know that your kid did a really, really bad thing on accident, but he did do it. Would you really be concerned that people 3-4 steps of intimacy away knew that you knew, and didn’t think that maybe you were deluding yourself?
And do you get what I mean about you seem upset that they are putting family first, but upset at him for not putting family first but also for putting family first?
I don’t think I’d be focused that much on the other victims if I were dealing with a seriously injured, potentially emotionally traumatized kid. At least, not enough to mention it in a conversation. I’d be grateful that no one was killed (because on top of the tragedy of that, I’d have to deal with the judgement heaped upon my kid’s head). But insurance and civil settlements are what make people whole. Not apologies or expressions of regret. By admitting fault, the kid is doing all that he can do to ensure that his victims get their due compensation. His feeling bad doesn’t do a damn thing. But being honest does.
If I were in your sister’s shoes, I would do what I’m legally obligated to do, but everything else would be between me and the other party. I’m certainly not required to disclose those interactions so that relatives sitting on the sidelines will know what to think about the whole thing.
If my nephew were involved in a situation like this, I think I would feel terrible for him because 1)I know he will take it hard, 2) I know he didn’t mean it, and 3)I know that it’s only by random luck that it has never happened to me. I would also feel terrible for my brother. But I wouldn’t feel all that much for the strangers involved because I don’t know them. They only exist in the abstract. My nephew isn’t abstract.
This is not to say that your feelings are wrong, though. No one knows how they would feel about something that’s never happened to them. And I don’t think anyone can help how they react to something like this.
Even if your kid hurt someone else and it was their fault, the majority of parents will be primarily concerned with the welfare and well-being of their child first and especially in the immediate period following the accident. The time may come when they address the well-being of the victim once they have some mental stability about what is going on with their kid, honestly if they haven’t brought up the other injured person to you it may be because they are indeed feeling embarrassed or ashamed about what happen, not that they don’t care. I would give it some time and not bring it up to them during an already stressful period. Thank Og nobody died, and I’m sure this is a lesson the kid will never forget and maybe something positive will come from it in the end.
Keep in mind that the family’s lawyer may have squarely advised them not to say or write anything about the other injured people.
Thought processes may work like:
Everyone is alive and looks like they will stay that way.
.
My kid is in the hospital severly injured and all my energy will go to that.
.
.
.
.
.
Work out legal details later.
As mentioned, you have more distance and have jumped to the end more quickly than others.
I think this and the earlier comment that they may already have been advised by a lawyer not to comment on the other victims explains a lot.
If one of my relatives was involved in something like this, I’d already know they were upset about the strangers affected; they wouldn’t need to express that for me to safely assume that is so. The exception is if the relative was known to be psycho or something. How likely is it that they don’t feel bad about the pain and expense they’ve caused?
It’s human nature to be curious about any deaths or injuries, but raising the question could be hurtful to someone who is wracked with guilt. It’s possible someone was seriously injured as a result of nephew’s negligence. What does it help by announcing that, though? If it feels awkward to inquire about it, then it probably is doubly weird to volunteer that information.
This is really the time for compassion, not judgment.
It’s perhaps worth mentioning the concept of “Second Victims” here. 2nd Victims are the people who get hurt by the blame imposed after an accident (often by themselves).
Yes, it is normal after an accident to want to attribute the accident to some moral failing of one of the people involved. If we don’t do this, how can we tell ourselves that we are safe from causing a near-fatal accident? If loss of attention is something that happens to everyone at various times, and sometimes leads to an accident, driving becomes a horribly scary thing to be doing.
The fact that these feelings are normal doesn’t make them helpful, either for the people involved or for the prevention of future accidents. The harm has already happened. Blame or talk of negligence isn’t going to reduce that harm (except in screwed up jurisdictions where it’s the only way to afford medical treatment). Blame is not even going to prevent other harms, except in cases where the “human error” is intrinsic to the person rather than a symptom of the situation (hint - absent alchohol or texting, “not paying attention” is almost certainly not an intrinsic property of the driver).
Since this isn’t GD or GQ, I’ll get to the personal point:
No, you aren’t wrong or bad for feeling concern about the other victims of the accident. You’re not bad even if you feel angry at the driver for hurting them.
Just be aware that they are probably having those same feelings, probably even stronger, and probably they can’t or feel they can’t talk about it, which is making it even worse. One of the side-effects of feeling guilty can be self-justification, so even people who seem callously indifferent can be ripping themselves up at the same time.