Well, as promised in “Computer game rants Part I”, here are some rants of mine that relate to specific games. Apologies if the games on this list are getting a bit dated by now; I’m still using Windows 98 as my OS, and will resist the pressure to waste a lot of money upgrading to a newer version until it becomes impossible for me to continue doing so. Please feel free to contribute some rants of your own (either ones relating to the following games, or games I haven’t mentioned).
Doom I hate the way the game strips you of all weapons and ammo (save for the pistol and its bullets) at the end of every episode. I hate the way the bad guys often spend more time trying to kill each other than you; it’s just dumb, and takes away much of the glory of clearing out a level or part thereof (there’s little satisfaction to be had from surveying a heap of dead enemies, and knowing that large numbers of them didn’t even die by your hand). I hate the way that, in “The Ultimate Doom”, there’s no explanation given for the bonus “Thy Flesh Consumed” episode (what the fuck’s that all about, eh?). :mad:
Doom 2 I hate the way the forces of Hell still seem to expend abnormal amounts of effort trying to kill each other. I hate the way there are levels of that game (The Industrial Zone springs to mind) that, no matter how many secrets I uncover in them, I still can’t get a score of 100% Secrets for (and I hate those levels that don’t even have any secrets). I hate the way so many levels bear little resemblance to what they’re supposed to be (has anyone actually lived in suburbs that resembled those in the level of that name in Doom 2?). I hate the huge, stupid, goat-headed demon at the end of the game; I’ve never been able to kill it. :mad:
Final Doom I hate the way the two smaller games that make up this one slavishly follow the format for Doom 2, right down to the end-of-game monsters. I hate the way I can’t find any cheats, tips or walk-throughs for this game anywhere; does anyone know if any exist? The utter weirdness of “The Plutonia Experiment” also bugs me a bit. :mad:
Quake I hate the way this game also strips you of most weapons and ammo at the end of each world. I hate the way I can’t get perfect kill scores for many of the levels; it seems that not all of the monsters appear in those ones! I hate the way that, despite its lofty promise to do so, the Elder World didn’t consist of my worst nightmares come true. I hate the way I can’t find all the secrets in “The Pain Maze”. I hate the way you never find out who Quake actually is, either in this game or its two sequels (which bear absolutely no resemblance to this one; why were they even given the title “Quake”?). :mad:
Half-Life I hate the way you play a nerdy scientist running around in a bright orange suit in this game. I hate the way you have to fight the soldiers as well as the aliens. I hate the way the soldiers seem so goddamn hopeless or stupid at times; in “We’ve Got Hostiles”, for example, one sometimes gets caught by a barnacle, yet it never seems to occur to him to try shooting it as it’s hoisting him up into its mouth. (I always end up shooting it for him. To reward me for saving his life, he then tries to kill me, which I suppose makes my rescuing him pretty dumb, but I can’t help it; no-one deserves to die by being eaten by one of those repulsive things.) I hate the way I have to kill houndeyes; they’re too cute to shoot! I hate the whole “Residue Processing” level; it’s so goddamned boring! I hate being stripped of all my weapons just before it (particularly when the game gives me so much ammo just before I get caught and chucked in the garbage crusher). I hate the way this game has so many bugs in it; I had to go onto a games support site just to get past the “We’ve Got Hostiles” level (I kept getting stuck in one of the lifts and having my health mysteriously reduced to zero). :mad:
Half-Life Opposing Force I hate the way this game copies the original “Half-Life” in so many ways. I hate the way the soldiers in this game (with the exception of your character) are even dumber than the ones in the original “Half-Life”. I hate the way the Black Mesa Complex gets nuked right at the end; that place was cool (even - no, especially - when it was half in ruins). I hate the game’s lousy ending. I hate the FUCKING G-MAN; what a fucking creep! :mad:
Half-Life Blue Shift I hate the way this game was so short. I hate the way the scientists are so rude and arrogant to your character at the beginning, and I hate the way the game ends if you try to teach them some manners by SHOOTING THEM IN THE FUCKING HEAD! :mad:
Red Faction I hate the way this game strips you of your weapons and ammo in various places. I hate that part of the game in which you have to kidnap Gryphon (I hope I’ve spelled his name right) from Ultor’s corporate headquarters; I hate the way you have to put on that stupid suit and carry only a silenced pistol as a weapon (why couldn’t you have been dressed as a guard instead - better weapons, a better disguise, and maybe some body armour too); why doesn’t that miner just put you in a T-shirt that says “HI, I’M PARKER. PLEASE KILL ME!”; it’d probably have much the same effect (it’s fun, though, to shoot him in the head with his precious silenced pistol as he’s giving you his stupid spiel about only using that weapon when absolutely necessary). I hate the way the stupid Ultor computer won’t let you into corporate HQ if you don’t bother putting on the suit, and none of your explosive weapons seem able to blow open the door to HQ or any of the wall around it. I hate having to massacre everyone in the office with the pistol; it’s a bitch trying to shoot the guards with it (usually at long range, and usually (if you don’t want to run out of ammo) in the head), particularly when they’re trying to shoot you too. I hate the way that, even when his disguise is blown and guards everywhere are converging on him and trying to blow him to hell, Parker is still too stupid to actually pick up a halfway-decent weapon, like an assault rifle, from a dead guard and use that to defend himself. :mad:
The Thing I hate the way this game’s most innovative feature (NPC Trust) is almost completely wasted; when playing this game for the first time, be sure to enjoy the scares and surprises you’ll get from it because, once you play it again, you’ll realize just how fucking predictable it is! I hate the way NPCs can give you a negative blood test result, only to turn into the Thing anyway because you’re coming to a part of the game where the programmers have obviously decided that you need to face whatever nasties are coming next ALONE. Ooh ah! I hate the way NPCs often disappear between levels, for no apparent reason. I hate the way the game conspires to make a lot of NPCs die - sometimes only a few minutes after you’ve met them - and there’s not a goddamned thing you can do about it. I hate the way this game strips you of all your weapons, ammo and other supplies at one point (particularly when, again, it’s supergenerous with them just before you reach that point). I hate the way a lot of dead bodies spawn little Things even if you torch them. I hate the way you have to fight other humans in this game, rather than working with them to eradicate the alien menace. I hate the way this game leaves so many things unexplained at the end. :mad:
Well, that should do it for now; I’ve certainly gotten a lot of things off my chest there.
