I have been married two times and in both cases my ex-wives had affairs, which ended up with our getting divorced. I have never had an affair with another woman, either during marriage or out of it. I know they are wrong and usually somebody gets hurt as a result.
So, how do they start and who usually makes the first move? Do they start as a result of just talk?
I must have led a fairly sheltered life, cause I don’t have a clue. Help me out here. Thanks.
I feel for you.
Your not so sheltered if youve been married twice. How did you first talk these women into bed? Would it have been different if you knew they were married? Would you always have presumed you were being told everything?
People are people buddy. People sleep together for all the same reasons you do. Attraction/revenge/just because/drunk.
Im in the middle of divorcing a lesbian.Ive had affairs.
Well I know I’m young and I don’t know much but I’ve had experience with this just a little though it’s been with boyfriends, not with husbands. It’s usually because I either feel that my boyfriend isn’t paying attention to me, I’m not asking for his attention, but if he won’t give it to me even if I ask then I’ll look for it elsewhere. This usually happens when I go somewhere for a while and I can only call on the phone or e-mail the guy. If it seems like he doesn’t care about me and there are other guys who do I usually give in a little. The way they start? Well I’m a naturally cuddly, huggy person. I was hugging random people at Drama Festival yesterday. I’ll usual give the guy a hug or show some physical sign of friendly affection, or start dancing rather close to the guy, if he moves in on that and shows more than friendly interest and I’m feeling like it then I’ll show more than friendly interest right back.
I’m not sure if that helped but I tried, right?
Bad Kitty
cheezit, I’m sorry…I hope you don’t take it personally that your ex wives had affairs, though I’m sure it must be hard not to.
I too have been married twice (I joke that I’m currently dating ex #3, haha). Affairs were not a reason either marriage broke up. However #1 (aka Shithead) did have an affair about the time we were splitting up. I really didn’t care, at that point. And in my second marriage, I had an affair - again, at about the time we both realized the marriage was over, but had not formally separated. So I wonder if that was the case with you? Looking back, I think that sometimes the marriage is going so badly & both parties know it, that an affair just gives the final impetus to get out.
As to how they start, I think there are as many reasons as there are people. In my case, I met this lawyer at a luncheon, sparks flew, and two hours later we were in a hotel. Stupid, it continued for a short while. My ex never found out, and I am glad of that.
All I can say is I will never have an affair again. It’s crummy & dishonest.
Actually, in my first marriage we were both virgins on our wedding night. That marriage lasted 7 years. I went to work one morning. Called her on my lunch hour to see how things were going. Was told, “we need to talk”. That night, she said it was over. No warning, no nothing. I found out about a week later that she had been having an affair for a few weeks. That was in 1976. They got married. They are still together. Go figure.
One year later. Met 2nd wife. Went together for 6 to 8 months before anything sexual happened. By then we knew each other fairly well. It just happened one night. That marriage lasted 11 years, which I suppose is surprising considering that before I ever met her she used to “pull trains” with up to 8 guys every night. I NEVER held that against her. EVER.
Maybe it “just happened” with both of them. Am I bitter? No. Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea. Marriage #2 ended 12 years ago. In that time, I have raised my son and twin daughters by myself. And I would not have had it any other way.
I guess my question in the OP should have been more along the lines of “If someone was trying to begin an affair with me, what would some of the signs be”? The reason I ask this is that I know a few women, but they are all married, so as far as I am concerned they are off limits. That said, they are fun loving people and at times we (for lack of a better word) flirt. For instance, we will say things in fun that, if we were married, would lead directly to the bedroom. I simply do not want to inadvertently start something that I would later regret. And conversely, I would want to recognize it so I could stop it before it started, for the same reasons, hopefully.
I guess, with me anyway, the words “til death do us part” meant something, and assuming it meant the same to my friends, I wouldn’t want to be part of a breakup in their marriage.
I think that with the above statement, you answered your own question. Having morals isn’t a bad thing.
Way to be, Cheezit,
Me too.
I’ve been married twice, and divorced once.
One of the big reasons I divorced my first wife was that she was having a much more interesting sex life than I was.
I never cheated, even when her best friend propositioned me.
Anyway, I think I can empathize.
I’m not very good at flirting, but every once in a while find myself involved in a ‘flirt off’. I just try to say things in such a way the she will know that what I mean is: “I think you’re sexy, and under different circumstances…,
but I’m not going to do anything about it.”
BTW, be real careful about flirting in the workplace.
Someone who’s not even involved in the flirt can file a sexual harrasment grievance! (hostile environment)
Sorry, I tend to go off on tangents.
Anyway, glad to meet ya’ Cheezit.
I like your principles.
I have been in both places… cheater and cheatee. Neither one feels very good. I don’t think anyone plans on cheating… it just kind of happens. I also think that it’s a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. (obviously there’s something wrong or else they wouldn’t be turning to someone else) Instead of dealing with the problems in the relationship they turn to someone else in hopes that the problems will go away. As you said, it usually just ends up hurting everyone involved.
I don’t think there’s a right way or a wrong way to start an affair. It can start from talking, flirting, touching, phone calls, e-mails, pretty much anything. If you think someone has gone too far, tell them. You don’t want to flirt back with them if they’re taking your flirting to mean something you don’t want it to mean. (make sense??) I guess what I’m saying is don’t send mixed signals.
From all that I have read and heard, it always boils to to the fact that people have affairs because they are not getting something out of their relationship they feel they need. That which is lacking is different for each person, it may be excitement, attention, praise, or whatever.
Of course, my relationships never make it past a year so what do I know?
Well my ex cheated on me several times before she got that title of Ex. The last time was just the last straw for me, but at that time I considered the marriage over.
As to the OP, it’s hard to say. I’m remarried, and loving it. But I do have female friends and a lot of what we say could be conscrued as flirting. I don’t think much of it, and I guess they don’t.
However, I’vwe been accused of not recognizing when women are attracted to me, so take the above with a grain of salt.
I think that is probably often true. Things are in a tailspin already, and both people know it.
But I also think that cheating can sometimes be a result of being immature, or selfish. There is nothing that terribly “wrong” with the relationship they are currently in. It’s that they see someone who they think is hot, and they go for it. Or, they just don’t want to be tied down to only one sexual partner, after all. (They should have thought of that before they got married!) And on and on.
Actually, that qualifies as “something wrong with the relationship”. But it isn’t like the cheated-upon spouse could really do anything about it, or was in any way to blame for it.
>>I also think that it’s a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. (obviously there’s something wrong or else they wouldn’t be turning to someone else) <<
This is said so often that I think people often believe it to be true. While I think it often is true, could be there’s just something wrong with the cheater.
I can’t think of a single relationship with NOTHING wrong with it, which makes the above premise sort of meaningless, doesn’t it. Obviously when I cheated, there was something wrong with the marriage. More importantly, there was something wrong with me, and how I acted. That’s what I (as the cheater) had the most power over.