Let me preface this response by making it clear that I have never had an affair, and I don’t plan on ever having one. I am very happily married, and would never want to damage what I have with my wife. That said, I have, in my short life, been witness to numerous affairs between people of every color, gender, and background. Being the curious type I am, I have asked many of these people why exactly they had an affair, and how it happened in the first place. With a few exceptions, most of them followed the same basic pattern.
From what I have observed, those who end up having affairs are usually not actively seeking to be involved in one. Of the dozen or so affairs I have known about, only one person actively sought to have an affair. Most affairs are, for lack of a better word, accidental, at least initially.
It typically starts off very innocently. Person A meets Person B, through any number of channels…it could be work, it could be school, it could be a social club, a gym, or any number of public gathering places. Person A and Person B, both married or otherwise involved, find that they have common interests and begin chatting to each other, eventually developing in to a strong friendship. This friendship leads to compliments and general attention, and more and more time spent together. Lunches, breaks, and other down times are spent together at whatever function the two met or come together at, further developing interests and common bonds between the two.
Somewhere along the line, either or both of the persons involved begin to read something more behind the compliments and attention that the other person gives them. They find their thoughts absorbed with the other person’s attention, and this becomes a sort of crush. They get a sort of high from the attention the other person is showing them, something they may be missing at home. Married couples often have this problem even in healthy relationships…they simply take each other for granted and cease showing the attention they once gave.
At some point or another, the other person reveals that they have the same feelings, and, as often as not, things tumble down from there. Chats together become more intimate…lunches and breaks are taken away from the common meeting place, and intimate chats lead to minor physical intimacy (kissing, petting, etc.). Soon, the intimacy becomes more intense, and leads to sexual intercourse. Breaks together become longer (the car broke down, the police pulled us over, the line at the bank was long), though suspicions build fairly rapidly amongst the people who work/play/socialize with Person A and B. The spouse (or spouses), for whatever reason, remains blind to the events, often because people are hesitant to “rat out” their coworkers/friends/lifting partners.
As the affair continues, Person A and Person B begin skipping said events altogether, even though they continue to tell their spouses that they are going. Time that would have been spent at said event becomes time for physical and sexual contact between the two. It is also usually about this time that things begin to fall apart. A spouse (or spouses) may call on said event unexpectedly, and find their spouse not present; or someone else involved with the event calls for one of those involved in the affair out of concern, alerting the spouse(s) that the person hasn’t been at the event, as they said they were.
Eventually, it all breaks down, and never in a good way. By means of warning to all those considering having an affair, let me tell you the results of a couple of the ones I witnessed.
Three couples divorced over the issue, and all were rather nasty proceedings. Two of the couples, thankfully, had no children at the time, but one had three children together. Their father now only gets to see them on a limited basis.
One relationship ended in the suicide of the cheated on partner.
One ended up with attempted murder, and the husband being shot to death by the police.
Another attempted murder ended with a man shot by police and now serving time in prison.
One ended with a woman running off with her lover, only to be left by said lover a short time later for another woman.
Of all the relationships I have seen go through this, only one stayed together, and their relationship will forever be marred by distrust and suspicion.
The saddest part about all of this is that none of the people involved in any of the affairs I have seen were bad people. None of them set out to intentionally hurt their spouses…but the draw of “being in love” blinded them to the harm they were and would be causing.
As a side note, and in the interest of fairness to all, two affairs I have seen ended up with the people involved being happier together than they were with their significant others. That does not by any means lessen the pain that they went through to get there.
This is by no means the mechanics of every affair, but as I stated above, this seemed to be the common story behind all the ones I have seen. Anyway, sorry for the long post all. Take from this what you will.