http://www.straightdope.com/columns/010323.html
I just wanted to know why you buy Swiss cheese by Volume and not weight. I buy my Swiss cheese in units of pounds. Therefore the size of the holes doesn’t matter. May I recommend that you try a new store or deli.
By volume ? That must be a joke.
Note: Not all Swiss cheeses have holes (are holy ? 
). Most of them don’t have holes. The one with holes is called Emmental. The smart Swiss people export most of it and keep the best ones for thelmselves. The best known is Gruyère (in German Greyerzer), which is also exported. There are many others.
Say cheeeese 
I believe the OP is referring to when Cecil states:
Sadly, the subtle humor of Cecil Adams is lost on some of the folks out there.
Being that you are a nube, jrfranchi, I would like to explain that on the SDMB there is an onomatopeic (is that a word?) verb word that is used when a joke is proffered and commented on by someone that didn’t get the joke. It describes the theoretic sound of the joke as it flies right over the unsuspecting persons head. That word is “Whooshed”.
Mr. jrfranchi, you have been wooshed.
It’s not entirely a whoosh.
True enough, if you go to a cheese counter and they cut a hunk off, they charge you by weight. But if you go to the dairy section of a grocery store, you will find pre-packaged, pre-wrapped hunks of cheese – I’m thinking of Kraft Swiss Cheese packages, for instance, that are not wrapped in the store by weight. While those do have weight on the package, they’re not actually sold by weight (that is, if you find a larger package, it’s not proportionate cost.)
While that is true, “sold by weight” and “priced by weight” are not quite the same thing. “Sold by weight” means, “This package is guaranteed to mass at least as much as the label says; it is not guaranteed to fill up the package.” Of course, in the case of plastic-wrapped cheese, the package is normally filled up, anyway.
The actual weight of a package of pre-sliced Swiss cheese doesn’t vary much from one package to another. The weight can’t be less than the printed weight, and is rarely more than a half ounce heavier. True, some slices are heavier and some lighter than average. But manufacturers take pains to make sure they average out, sometimes by adjusting the slicer thickness, sometimes by manually switching a too-heavy slice for a lighter one, or vice versa. See David Feldman’s How Do Astronauts Scratch an Itch, pp. 142-146.
Speaking of whoosh. My reply was I thought obviously tounge in cheek. So I apologize. Hopefully you at least realize that in reading Cecil’s passage he seemed serious on the weight issue. I do apologize for mis-interpreting his intent but notice you are just as guilty.
It is sold by the pound but divided up by size: A eight pounder is cut up into eights and then each eighth is sold by the pound.
I noted the similarity between the name of the bacteria that make the holes—Propionibacterium—and that of the common food preservative calcium (or sodium) propionate (“added to retard spoilage”) so I looked it up.
Turns out these bacteria do indeed produce propionic acid which (sez Wikipedia) inhibits the growth of mold and some bacteria. So swiss cheese produces its own preservative! Cool! (Calcium and sodium propionate are salts of this acid, and being basically natural compounds and not some exotic chemical stew created in a lab, are probably safe to eat.)
Somewhat less charmingly, these same bacteria are found in human sweat glands, and their activity is partly responsible for the smells of both B.O. and swiss cheese.
Cecil practices snark at such a high level it often whooshes even the most experienced… but as you become more experienced, you come to recognize (even after the fact) that you may have been whooshed. Or at least, you learn that “I got whooshed” is always a realistic risk.
Gruyère is Swiss cheese without holes?! Even MORE of that yummy goodness? I must find some Gruyère… I will travel if I have to… must find… must find…
I’ve tried making cheese fondue with domestic swiss cheese and it’s failed miserably, becoming stringy and rubbery.
Now I always use the real stuff: Swiss Gruyere. Works great. A bit spendy, unfortunately.
Huh? How in the world do you get to that conclusion? Botutoxin, hydrogen cyanide, strychnine, and curare are also all natural compounds, and there are plenty of “chemical stews created in a lab” that I’d much rather eat than those.
I agree that Gruyere works best for traditional Fondue, though I think a very good cheddar Fondue can be just as excellent in the end.
Weird to see my very first post resurrected.