It is pretty ignorant to refer to a psychologically traumatized, brainwashed, and abused individual as a “gutless wonder”. Abusers don’t just start off physically and emotionally battering their victims. They very subtly beat down the ego and self confidence of the victim, until the victim is left with no self esteem and feels they deserve whatever punishment they receive. This process has been identified as closely related to the tactics employed in brainwashing by a number of domestic violence experts.
In addition, because the abuser is so intent on maintaining total control over the victim, the victim is fully aware that they run a substantial risk of being murdered by their abuser if they try to leave. Legal protection orders often can do very little to prevent an abuser from ultimately murdering the victim.
Finally, your accusing Mark of being a guttless wonder amounts to blaming the victim for their plight. This is often done, but it amounts to a very hurtful and inhumane way of looking at the problems and dangers associated with an abused individual.
Oh dear. One of them will probably turn religious and creep out the other. Poor infant-to-be! Let’s hope s/he is smart enough to overcome his/her genetics and upbringing or retarded enough to think life is pretty good.
I don’t know if many people would agree with me on this, but it sounds like the best Mark could do is to pack some clothes and his personal documents in a bag, and get himself to the interstate bus station. If he’s living on welfare in Sydney, Adelaide, or Brisbane, his life will still be infinitely better than what he has now, and (as much as this may be an unpopular view), the fact of his child’s existence doesn’t sway me much. The child will have a rough life whether he’s there or not, and I’d rather see one life go down the tubes than two. Maybe, if he gets his act together in another city (or ever another suburb), gets a good job, and some more maturity and confidence, then he’ll be able someday to start legal proceedings rolling in order to look after the baby himself.
Honestly, I can’t think of a better or easier solution than the far-from-perfect one I’ve outlined above. I wish I could.
HairyPotter, with all due respect, you can’t possibly make that statement without knowing everything I know and have seen of this person. I fail to see how his status as Christy’s victim automatically makes it impossible for him to be considered gutless. Now, if you had witnessed all the happenings of the last four years (and beyond), and still thought it was wrong to call Mark gutless, then there might be some merit to your post, but you haven’t had that experience and you don’t know all the petty little ins and outs of the situation.
I stand by my call. Mark is gutless. If Christy had never been born, Mark would still be gutless. It goes way beyond this situation, and is apparent in every aspect of his life. If Mark were less gutless, he would not have been so easily victimised, but that doesn’t make it his fault that he is a victim.
You don’t like it? Fine. Substitute the word “passive” for gutless. I could have used that word without anyone getting upset but I still would have meant the same thing.
cazzle, people who are the victims of systematic abuse often seem gutless and pathetic to those who have no understanding of the situation. But blaming them for their plight and saying ‘If they would just grow up, they’d be free’ is not only inaccurate, it is highly damaging: It feeds into a philosophy of blaming the victim. In other words, it shifts the burden of guilt onto a person who has shown he cannot handle it.
Would you say a legless man could get up and stand if he really, truly wanted to? That a diabetic patient could kick the insulin habit by willpower? Of course not. Such claims are beyond the pale and bespeak a condition lacking empathy. So why apply the same twisted non-reason to Mark’s psychological condition?
There are reasons we take such great care to establish battered women’s shelters in this country: Abused people are highly vulnerable and, until treated, must be segregated from the general population to prevent them from falling into another abusive relationship. (They are also actively pursued by another group that must be segregated from the general population for the reverse reason.) To call the inhabitants of women’s shelters gutless wonders shows a marked ignorance of the problem as a whole.
Mark would doubtless benefit from a shelter environment. If you are a friend, you will help facilitate that process.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with both cazzle and TLD (fearless leader of the Teeming Handful) here.
“Mark” is currently at a stage where he doesn’t want to change his situation, and the sad truth is if he doesn’t want it to change then no amount of supportiveness and encouragement from his friends is going to help him… and at some point, they’ll stop trying. If he doesn’t end up taking TLD’s suggested path then this situation is likely to continue on until something terrible happens, or until one of them dies of old age. And as harsh as it sounds, in the end the suggestion of “Mark” bailing on his pregnant girlfriend is probably the best option from a bad lot. It’s not just that he has to look after himself before he can look after someone else - it’s that he has to look after himself in order to be able to look after someone else.
Here’s hoping there’s a somewhat happy end to the tale, cazzle.
But Derleth, what I’m saying is that I considered Mark gutless before he became Christy’s victim. To suggest that it’s wrong to call him gutless for being her victim is to ignore the fact that, before she entered his life and before he became a victim, he was still a weak and spineless individual. Ok, under Christy’s reign of terror he has become weaker, but even if she had never entered his life (and therefore even if he had never been the victim of an abusive spouse/partner), he would still be gutless.
Let’s suppose I’m talking about an aquaintance who isn’t a victim of domestic violence, but who fails to stand up for themselves in regular daily situations (ie if people push ahead of them in queues, or agreeing to do things they don’t want to do rather than cause a fuss, etc). Can I describe that person as gutless? Because that’s Mark, pre-Christy. It’s only gotten worse since she came along. I fail to see how he’s suddenly no longer gutless because he’s suddenly a victim. Isn’t it possible that he’s both?
I’m not blaming the victim here. It’s a simple and accurate observation that if Mark were a more stongwilled individual, then Christy would not have been able to manipulate him into his current submissive role. That doesn’t mean it’s his fault. That doesn’t make him to blame. It’s more along the lines of: Christy was attracted to Mark because of these characteristics, because she is the type of person who likes to manipulate and control those of less-forceful natures.
I feel something along the lines of pity for Mark, but I feel anger towards Christy. She’s the agressor here, and though she needed Mark to make it work, she did create the situation.
cazzle, Mark still needs help. He is not capable of ending this relationship by himself, and he is a perfect candidate to get caught up in another relationship just like this one. Mark’s passivity does attract the Christies of the world, and until he gains a measure of self-confidence they are going to keep coming and he’s going to keep being dominated by them. Sadly, he will need external help to gain that self-confidence.
I never denied that he needs help. In fact, I tried to stress that his friends have repeatedly (and at risk to themselves) tried to help him over the years. It’s obvious that he needs some sort of intervention by someone who knows how to help him.
Cazzle- Are you SURE shes pregnant ? I mean if he already left her once, Maybe she is making it up just to make sure that he HAS to stay with her . But if she is really pregnant . From The way this girl sounds i probably wouldnt put it past her to do something weird like poke holes in condoms or replace her birth control pills with aspirin .
Actually, I don’t see why she would do something as underhanded as poking holes in the condom. She seems more like the type to just force her will on to him and do whatever she pleases regardless of his opinion. And it’s been over a year since his abortive attempt at leaving. I have no reason to think she’s faking a pregnancy right now.