Congratulations! You've fucked up your life!

Well, that’s what I want to say.

See, my brother’s friend Mark was a nice little boy. Thinking back, the only words that I could use to sum him up are “clean cut”. This kid was the epitome of clean cut. The son of a librarian, he was every bit as neatly groomed, well dressed, quietly spoken, and well behaved as you would imagine a stereotypical librarian’s son to be. He was also musically inclined, and I believe this put him on the path to his downfall.

Mark took up the guitar in his early teens. Unlike the other kids, who learned to play three bars of a Metallica song and then formed a band that would go nowhere, Mark actually studied music and learned to play the guitar properly. His parents organised lessons for him, and a combination of hard work and natural talent paid off - he was good. So good that the kids who used to pick on him noticed that there was more to him than his nerdy exterior and they began to realise that perhaps he was what they needed to get their bands some gigs rather than just being kicked out of their parents garages for making too much racket. Mark became cool because he could play the guitar.

Well, somehow this lead to him moving to the big city for a couple of years, and he slipped off the radar at this point. We didn’t hear from him until he moved back from the city and my brother bumped into him one day. I don’t know how he recognised him because the old Mark was gone for good. During his time away from his hometown, Mark had discovered drugs and forgotten all he ever knew about personal hygiene. The neat-as-a-pin hairstyle was gone, and his hair was long, shaggy and matted. The clean-cut look was further banished by the presence of facial hair in the form of a scruffy little goatee. His nice shirts and slacks were replaced by torn, dirty jeans and black t-shirts devoted to heavy metal bands. Mark had morphed into being one of the guys who looks like they belong in a backyard band. The change was astounding.

He and my brother took up again, and started “jamming” together every chance they got. They formed a new “band” and spent a lot of time together. I think Mark would agree that this was one of the better periods in his life. These were the days PC - Pre Christy.

Mark met Christy. At first, she seemed normal enough. She was roughly his age, and had a job. She was a nice looking girl, and gave no sign of what lay beneath the surface in those early days, though it didn’t take long before it became obvious that she was a control freak. It started out with little things - she wanted Mark to spend more time with her, less time with the guys. She began to complain about all the time she spent watching the “band” playing in the garage, and asking him to hang out with her instead. Then she started fighting with his friends, and banning Mark from seeing them. She attempted to have his other friends ban the ones she didn’t like from their homes too, and refusals lead to more fallings out until Christy had banned Mark from seeing all but one or two of his friends who she felt she could control.

She quit her job, and spent her time eating and spending Mark’s money. She made him hand over every dime he earned, and then she rationed his money. She confiscated his car and made him walk everywhere. She made him carry a mobile phone at all times so she could check on him - and if she couldn’t reach him on it, there was hell to pay. She set curfews, such as “You can go to the shop and buy me more cigarettes, but if you’re not back in 15 minutes, I’m locking you out/destroying your guitar/burning your stuff/etc”.

And Mark put up with it all. I don’t know how Mark thinks, I don’t know what his opinions on all this are, but his friends generally agree that he’s afraid. See, not only are there clean signs that Christy has been beating him up (bruises, scratches) but also it’s a well known fact that Christy’s family is crazy too. Her parents have both spent time in mental health facilities and I understand that her mother is still in one today. Her father has a history of violence and isn’t currently locked up, and when all else fails, Christy has been hear threatening Mark that she’ll get her father on to him.

One day, Mark attempted to take his life back. He called my brother over and asked him to help him move out. Christy went insane. She was screaming and screaming at him, and threatening him, but Mark just went about the business of moving out. Christy grabbed him and started punching and kicking him, all the while screaming “Stop hitting me Mark! Stop it! You’re hurting me!” - but Mark was just standing there taking it and not fighting back. My brother just stood there, he said he couldn’t believe his eyes. My brother’s girlfriend grabbed the phone and called the police, and their presence allowed Mark to take all he owned and leave. My brother and his girlfriend were so relieved that it was finally over, and that Mark had come to his senses.

Two days later, Mark went back to her. My brother was disgusted, and wiped his hands of the pair of them. He’d experienced too many betrayals by Mark to feel he could stand by him anymore, and he wanted nothing to do with Christy.

Well, their relationship may be bizarre, unhealthy and ugly, but it endures. They’ve been together more than four years at this point. Christy has become obese while Mark looks like a shadow of his former self. My brother describes him as “dead man walking” because Mark seems to have lost the will to live, and merely exists. And yesterday, we heard that Christy is pregnant.

If I see Mark, I know I’m going to do myself an injury as I struggle to prevent myself saying “Nice one, dickhead”, but I both pity him and feel anger towards him. On the one hand, he’s a victim as much as anyone else. On the other hand, he’s 50% responsible for putting the life of an innocent child into the hands of Christy the Psycho. That family has such a terrible history of insanity that by all rights they should be left to die out without passing their curse on to future generations (harsh, I know, but c’mon, they’re violent, dangerous people - no member of Christy’s family can be described without using those words). What genetics doesn’t screw up for this baby, Christy’s parenting is sure to do. As for Mark’s future, the only thing his friends disagree on is when he’s likely to kill himself, being fairly evenly divided between before the baby is born and after. Since they’ve all been banned from Mark and Christy’s home, they feel powerless to do anything for him. We all sit back and watch in horror as this train wreck plays out in front of us.

I don’t have an ending for this story right now, but whatever the outcome, it’s not going to be happy for anyone. I guess I’ll sum up by repeating the subject line - Congratulations! You’ve fucked up your life! What else is there to say?

OH MY GOD! This is so TERRIBLE! It sounds like something from a movie, something that would never even happen in real life. I can’t believe it…normally, you hear about the girl being the victim in a relationship like this, not the guy. I don’t even know this guy and I wish that there was some way to help. Just know that I’ll be thinking of him and hoping that everything works out. Please, keep us updated.

Humans–can’t live with 'em, can’t stuff 'em in sacks…

Once he moved back in though, not much else you can do to help out. He made his choice, as silly as it was, and now he’s got to play his hand out. Still a shame though.

Jesus Christ…

I am just stunned beyond words…

To even read about ANYONE going through that just makes me both sad and angry…

:frowning: :mad: :rolleyes: :frowning:

Dunno what else to say.

Creepy. Very creepy.

Does anyone need to say it’s a classic abusive relationship? The minute you wrote she was limiting time spent with his friends I had a pretty good idea where it was going.

I’d say do the same as you would if it were a female friend involved with an abusive guy: Get him some information, let him know he deserves better, and offer to be available on standby when he does decide to leave her. I’d also be worried about the abuse getting worse while she’s pregnant.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Good luck, take care, and hang in there,
CJ

It seems that through his choices Mark has messed up his life. This does not mean that through his choices he should mess up yours.

You have no control over the situation he has put himself in.

Sounds like somebody I know…

I know that Doug, and thanks for your concern. I can’t say I’m terribly close to this individual, just that I shake my head in disbelief whenever the latest stories of “Christy’s” atrocities are brought to my attention. Previously I’ve considered him a fool and a gutless wonder for putting up with it (I also feel sorry for him, but believe it’s a situation of his own making), but now that I hear there’s a baby on the way… I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t be more careful. Wouldn’t you want to protect a child from living that life? “Mark” is supposed to be a responsible adult, and blaming everything on her doesn’t acknowledge his role in the creation of this new life. And of course, now he’s stuck with her. No matter what happens between them, for the rest of his life he’s going to have to have something to do with her for the sake of their child. If only he’d stuck with his decision to leave her 18 months ago, he could have had a clean break.

Would you call him a gutless wonder if the genders were reversed? Would you be wondering why he wasn’t more responsible or careful if he were a she?

Mark’s a battered man, and just like a battered woman he has all the psychological issues that keep him in the relationship as a victim. The guy needs help, professional help, to get out of there.

Seriously, if she’s as in charge as you say she is, Mark could have been doing everything he could to avoid getting her pregnant, only to have her poking holes in condoms or something. Either that or she could well have intimidated or beaten him to the point where he was too afraid not to do exactly what she wanted.

Either way, he still needs professional help.

:frowning: I wish I hadn’t read this story. But, strangely enough, it’s extremely common, if you reverse the genders. Actually, you don’t even have to reverse the genders for it to be common.

you know, stuff like this, i’m ashamed to admit, taht my first thought is

“gee, Ludovic, i know you get really really lonely sometimes, but at least you’re not in THIS”

i’m also ashamed that my second thought is “I bet if he does anything about this legally she’ll try to accuse him of hurting her or the baby”, and sure enough it looks like she’s alreadyh started to try that path.

however, finally, i think “i really hope things work out for him.”

have you thought of contacting social services? I would think that it wouldn’t be terribly difficult to have the child removed from the home once it’s born. There seems to be tons of proof that she’s abusive…

Actually, catsix, I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I have to say that I would still think he/she was a gutless wonder if the sexes were reversed. Mark has the means to leave - his family have moved out of the area and he would be welcome to go to them, and she wouldn’t be able to follow. His job would allow him to be based pretty much anywhere, so transferring wouldn’t be a problem. His friends have shown him time and again that they are prepared to give him any assistance he needs. There are a lot of doors open to him, but he still chooses to stay.

He has not only suffered at the hands of this woman, but he has allowed her to victimise his friends too, and has proven himself a willing assistant in her schemes to make other people’s lives miserable. In particular, I’m thinking of the time that Christy turned her attention to my brother’s girlfriend and decided that she wanted to hurt and humiliate her. Christy set out to be charming and invited my brother and his gf to a party she was holding. They were suspicious, but Mark put their fears at rest by telling them that he really wanted them there (and he did this when Christy wasn’t around). It was only because Christy couldn’t resist bragging that other people found out she planned to attack my brother’s gf at the party. The other people told my brother, he and his gf didn’t go, and around 9:30pm, they got a vicious phonecall from Christy telling them she was coming after them. Mark had the opportunity to warn my brother not to go, but didn’t do it. He could have easily put my brother off by his manner, yet he chose to encourage my brother to go. He was as responsible as Christy was. This is just one instance - Mark’s friends have shown their loyalty by trying to stand by him despite the low regard he shows for them.

It’s my belief that battered women (and men) stay and put up with it because their self esteem is so low that they think they deserve it. I think that’s a very different thing to putting your friends in danger. What could they have done to make him think they deserve it too?

I have a very close friend who is also in a similar relationship. not quite that violent yet. but you can always see the signs. it is irrelevant what your gender is male or female. abuse is abuse.
if and when Mark gets the strength to stand up and leave he will need all the support and love you can possibly give him. I am so sorry and I wish you the best and I will pray for Mark & Christy both. good luck.:frowning:

Jesus, cazzle. That’s terrible for your brother and for Mark, but if he doesn’t want to leave there’s nothing you can do about it until he makes the decision.

If he does gather up the courage to make a break, I hope he gets away from her for good.

It’s very common for someone to leave and to return to his/her abuser several times before making a final break. And he will need support to eventually make the final break.

Human psychology is very complicated. It’s not as easy as, “She’s bad for me, I’m gone.”

Cazzle wrote:

But now he’s in a position where he can’t leave. (She’s pregnant!? How could he even get it up for this piece 'o shit?)

He’s going to be stuck forever for child support and probably alimony, not to mention looking like an abandoning parent.

Poor guy. Poor kid.

Yes, that is a common reason. My wife is a DV lawyer, and she sees this sort of thing all the time. Often the abused will deny that the situation is as bad as it is, or even deny any abuse at all, despite obvious signs. It’s understandably frustrating to try to help abused people out of their relationship, but they may not ever leave on their own.