How would you describe this behavior (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

A guy I know continually enters into agreements with his life partners and then breaks them based on skimpy rationalizations or simply does not perform his end of the deal. Here is an example:

Mark (not his real name) was involved in a poly V. That means that he was in a relationship with a woman who was in a relationship with another person, but the other person did not have an intimate relationship with him. Mark wanted to start a new relationship with with a woman (in addition to his existing relationship). Mark had gotten a vasectomy about six months before, but had not had his semen analyzed to determine if the operation was a success.

When the people involved in his relationship discussed his sexuality with his new beau Nell (not her real name, either), Mark agreed that he would not have unprotected sex with Nell for two reasons:

  1. Though Mark had an as yet unproven vasectomy, Nell was not using any form of birth control.

  2. Nell had Herpes, Mark’s other partner was pregnant, and nobody else had Herpes.

The agreement was that Mark could not have unprotected sex with Nell, at least until a doctor confirmed that Mark was no longer fertile. The agreement was made by the members of Mark’s V, Nell, and Nell’s husband.

Mark procrastinated, and then eventually got his semen tested. The results (8 months after the surgery): positive for sperm. He got this result by contacting a duty nurse at his HMO.

The HMO’s protocol for determining that a vasectomy was successful is two negative tests, one month apart.

Mark, after discussing the issue with nobody but Nell, began having unprotected sex with Nell. Mark is obsessed with science, and is constantly reading books about evolutionary biology and other scientific topics, and is the first to criticize someone for being unscientific. He also has unlimited Internet access and good research skills. His rationale for his actions: the sperm in the sample were dead.

When pressed for how he learned that the sperm were dead from a duty nurse (who did not examine the sample, and was only looking at a report that said “sperm present”), Mark did not respond. He also did not tell anyone about his decision until a few weeks later.

Some more mundane examples of this type of behavior include avoiding chores by agreeing to do other work, and then not doing the other work, and simply promising to do something in order to get some immediate benefit, and then not doing what he has promised.

Question #1: How would you describe this behavior?

Question #2: Under what circumstances would you enter into future agreements with Mark?

Question #3: Do you think Mark is a good candidate for a poly relationship?

2

Selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, deceitful.

No.

3

If I were interested in poly relationships, which I’m not, I wouldn’t touch this guy with a ten-foot pole.

4

Dude, the guy on purpose takes the risk of transmitting an uncomfortable, incurable STD to his pregnant partner? Stunning jackassery. Beyond unacceptable behavior whether one is poly, monogamous, or in fact a bonobo chimp.

5

Sociopathy.
Narcicistic personality disorder.
Asshole, size large.

I would never enter any agreements of any kind with such a person, and probably try to distance myself from them in general.

Finally, I don’t think this person is suited for any sort of relationship.

YMMV.

6

It didn’t.

7

Excuse my ignorance, but YMMV?

Oh… and this guy sounds like a complete turd.

8

Some people would weight this rationale more than the other. And the fact that he later had unprotected sex with her makes him a Grade-A moron, in addition to being an Ass of the Highest Order.

9

Your mileage may vary

10

Sheesh, its guys like this that make all the other guys look bad :mad: One woman has herpes and the other is pregnant? Holy crap what a trainwreck that is! :eek: Gfactor, I don’t know your gender, but either way for you own sake I strongly advise you not to get in a relationship with this man. The only person dumber than ‘Mark’ is someone who knows his sexual history/behavior and is still willing to be a part of it. :rolleyes:

11

Hey. I’m not sure I know my gender, but it says male.

Never had a *sexual *relationship with Mark, but *was * on the other side of the V. The worst part of the deal for me was that everyone took this in stride, as if he had double dipped a potato chip or something.

12

Either the hamsters ate the rest of this sentence, or my fingers aren’t following orders from my brain. Should read “… but it says male on my driver’s license.”

13

You are sharing a partner - the herpes won’t care you didn’t sleep directly with him.

It is a big deal but at this point you have to deal with it between you and your wife, in my opinion.

14

I think the bolded statement covers it, pretty much. The other stuff would just be icing on the proverbial cake but unnecessary.

15

Fortunately, I am out of the situation entirely.

16

Happily poly married chick checking in.

This guy’s an asshole. Period.

He’s cheated on Nell, on you **and **on this other woman. Why you? Because if he got herpes from her and your common partner got it from him…you see why this affects you just as much as the women he’s sleeping with, right?

Yes, cheated, despite you all being poly, because he’s disregarding the agreed-upon parameters of your relationship(s). That’s dishonesty, lying and cheating.

If he’s lying and practicing unsafe sex with Nell despite his assurances otherwise, how do you have any assurances he’s not practicing unsafe sex with other women he’s not told any of you about? You all need to get to the clinic, now, for STD tests, and again in a few months for an HIV test. It’s possible that he’s not only a liar and a cheat, but a murderer.

Fucker. It’s asshats like this that make my role as a vocal, responsible polyamorous woman really hard. How the frell do I defend my lifestyle choices when there’s dickwads like this running around being just as stupid and dishonest as everyone assumes we are? :mad:

17

And everybody else is just acting like it’s a minor party foul? Dude, I’m not sure I’d enter into any sort of agreement with them either that’s more serious than splitting the check at the Super China Buffet.

18

Story time.

I agree. Mark got the relationship with Nell started by bragging about how good he was a polyamory and sharing, and disparaging me (Nell was initially interested in a relationship with me, but I said that we should take things slowly because she had never been in a poly relationship before, was bringing her bipolar husband along for the ride, and generally seemed sketchy).

Then he pulled all kinds of shit like that. When I complained, he tried to make it look as if I was just trying to sabotage his new relationship.

Nobody got herpes from this particular debacle. Mark never really had very much sex with Karen (the point of the V). Soon after this event happened, Mark broke up with Nell. He later agreed, with Karen, that he would not have sex with Nell again, and then did.

Much later, Karen got herpes from her “monogamous” lesbian girlfriend. Karen turned out to be as much of a creep as Mark.

I’m way outta there, and disease free. I get checked regularly.

19

I pointed this out to him at the time. But he really only likes the sound of his own voice. One of those fellas who waits to talk.

Polyamory is definitely not for everyone. And it seems to attract the desperate and neurotic. I’m amazed by how many times my female poly friends get e-mails from guys who assume that because they are poly, they either:

  1. Must be looking for another relationship.

  2. Are morally obligated to have sex with any man who claims to be poly.

I call the latter group Polyphonies, and considered creating a web page with correspondence from them.

Mark is, of course, a student of Ross Jeffries. Surprised?

20

That guy stinks.