Lets entertain ourselves by making up conspiracy theories. The more improbable they are, the higher the points.
The Catholic Church is hiding evidence that we were in fact genetically engineered by a race of super intelligent space cows. Anyone who has ever come close to uncovering this theory has been brainwashed and coerced to join a monastary.
Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano De Aztlán is a front for a hard-line antibiological terrorist organization. Their aim is to replace all human life with AI-driven mechanicals who will manage a small breeding population of humans until we evolve enough to be trusted with the planet. They are pursuing their agenda by planting nanobot-laced churros at student fairs on college campuses across the U.S.
Belgum does not in fact exist, it is mearly the remnant of the first test use of the Natzi Hypnagogic Transmogrification Device. The NHTD was used as an attempt to slow down allied advances after D’Day by making everyone who tried to cross from France to Germany at the northern border believe they were travelling through an extra few hundred miles of countryside. After firing the NHTD was lost somewhere within the newly created hypnagogic land mass, and noone has been able to find it and turn the damn thing off. It is predicted that by the year 2023 the nuclear fuel cells powering the NHTD will finally give out, at which time Belgium will dissapear and all people currently beleiving themselves to be resident in that country will find they have been standing in a large barn on Franco, German, Dutch border.
The Maytag Corporation is after your socks. Inside every washing machine they make is a concealed sock-grabber. Whenever you do a load, this pernicious device reaches out and grabs a certain fraction of the socks you’re trying to clean. This is why, when you do a load with say, ten pairs of socks, you’ll get back at most seven pairs and a couple singles.
The Rider Truck Company is also in on this. Those conspicious yellow trucks you see driving around are actually transporting loads of socks to the secret headquarters, where they will be used in Ross Perot’s bid to win the 2008 Presidential election. I’m still investigating why he needs all those socks, but there’s no doubt that he does. Otherwise, why would he be collecting them?
It’s the water. They put the chemicals in the water and disguise its favor with fluoride. You drink the water, you feel complacent. You’re happy with things as they are. The President knows what he’s doing. You don’t have to vote. Just drink it, wash in it, bathe in it, all the while feeling more and more sedate, thoughts moving sluggishly…
It’s the corn syrup. They put it in everything, even things that don’t seem to need it, like bread, tomato sauce, and salad dressing. The corn syrup was used to mask undesireable tastes, the taste of blessed passivity, of sheep-like inertia, or indifference.
Big Brother is watching you.
Asbestos fibers are directly linked to an increased lifespan and intelligence, a higher sex drive, and stronger fingernails. The government found out, poisoned hundreds of thousands of people who worked with it, and spread rumors that it was dangerous. Schools were reconditioned for the purpose of keeping the youth of America passive.
The Straight Dope® Message Board is not a community of ultra-intelligent no-lifes, low-lifes, lonely folks, or the highly perverted as is commonly thought. In fact, the SDMB is an mechanism utilized by a super-secret organization (known by its codename, “FIgS73”) whose membership consists of entertainers, corporate leaders, dog-obedience trainers, Ralph Nader, Roto-Rooter men, and other future leaders of a proposed one-world government. The SDMB itself is a tool used to ferret out those who comprise the upper echelon of knowlegable and informed citizens worldwide (known collectively by those in FIgS73 as the “Unignorant”, or “Unigs” for short).
The Pigs at Figs (as my super-secret organization refers to them) understand that the only way to implement this one-world-government is to root out those who would be bright enought to see it coming and find a way to stop it (or to make some kind of an Internet message board game out of it at the very least). FIgS73 is gathering information on all of you and we expect that in the next 30 to 90 days, you can expect a knock at your door from several of their agents. They will either abduct you and force you to work in their new Hummel Figurines mine (there is new evidence to suggest that Franz Goebel, the man primarily responsible for these beautiful and highly collectible figurines, was not an artisan at all, but a super-intelligent being from another dimension who was here to unearth these naturally occurring specimens from the ground – we believe they may use them as fuel in their own dimension), or they will simply extract your brain and use it to make "Gray Matter Smoothies"™, a delicious treat soon to be introduced at Starbucks (another FIgS73 organization) the universe over.
You will know these men at your door by their orange and tan Zoot Suits and odd hats shaped like perch.
There are no diamonds. The DeBeers cartel and its worldwide domination of the diamond market are just the tip of the iceberg. The CSO and its minions have made trilliions of dollars and spread inestimable sorrow by manipulating prices, simulating mining, and oppressing native Africans for absolutely no reason – the damn things are just broken safety glass salvaged from junkyards, highways, and rednecks’ lawns.
Yeah I’ve heard of this one before. Also, as a side effect it creates the illusion of landmass between (what is now known as) South Dakota and Canada called “North Dakota” which, to this day, I have seen no evidence of existing. I’m sure there will be a few who will show up saying “Oh, but I live in ND and it’s a wonderful place!” but don’t be fooled. They are just remnants of the Nazi party trying to build a Fourth Reich.
Lead is the most effective material known to man when it comes to blocking mind control rays - even injesting small amounts of lead-containg paint chips can provide as much protection as wearing a double layer aluminium hat. And car exhaust from vehicles using leaded gasoline seriously reduces the range of mind control devices. That is why the Illuminati, the Cthulhu Cult, and Amway,(the three most powerful secrect societies) secretly pushed the governments of the world to ban lead in paints & gas, and even to this day are trying to ban lead fishing sinkers. Short of being hit by a large/fast moving hunk of it, lead is completely harmless to humans.
CFC’s also reduce the effectiveness of the passivefication chemicals placed in chemtrails; the “hole in the ozone layer” thing was just a complete myth; in fact, there is no such thing as the ozone layer. Amway made it up.
And finally:
75 million years ago there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.
Xenu the alien ruler Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.
Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).
These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.
The story doesn’t end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a “thetan” in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).
After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called “implanting”.
When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.
You’re all missing the big picture. Those are fine for your garden variety theories, but a much more insidious evil walks among us everyday, at some of our most precious institutions. Theme parks, carnivals, zoos, festivals, sporting events, picnics. What do they all have in common? Balloons. Turn away now if you are afraid to have the truth bare itself before your eyes.
We all love balloons. Ever since we were children, the thought of having one and watching it float along behind you, bobbing along on a string has always been a good one. Unfortunately, about 30 years ago, some soulless bastards in the government, along with representatives from the population growth cartel decided to change things, all so they could line their oily pockets with money and line the streets with our dead.
It was around 1975 that they slowly changed the contents of pressurized helium containers used to fill balloons. Now, it contains 3 parts helium for every 1 part CFC. Can you see what this means? Can you see the end of the world just over the horizon. There is no turning back now. We are through the looking glass here people.
Their reasons for this change? They knew the ozone layer would be threatened and start to slowly diminish. Slowly enough not to leave a trail, but quickly enough to scare and confuse the populace. The government would have a frightened and unsure electorate to control. The Zero population growth people would delight in the increased skin cancer deaths. And to top it all off, the groups bought out the major sun tan lotion manufacturers, ensuring a healthy profit as things got worse.
No one suspects it because who would think a teenaged balloon distributor and a grimy faced tot would be the ultimate weapon leading to the deathknell of humanity. But it’s the faceless men and women behind the part time clowns and church weenie roasts that know the truth. Every time a balloon escapes the innocent clutch of a child and rises towards the heavens, only to explode in a cataclysimic burst of trickling death high in our atmosphere, the ozone layer thins a little more, the lotion is rubbed on a little more vigorously, and the population growth slows just a bit more.
Garden Gnomes ** are really secret agents spying on The People for The Man.
Go ahead, prove me wrong. They are everywhere, man.
Band Name!