Lately, I’ve had the idea of tracking down and contacting a long-lost ex-girlfriend. The idea won’t go away for some reason. I think I’m going to go through with it. I already have a couple leads.
I have no illusions about sparking up a new relationship with her. I’d maybe like to be friends again. But whatever happens, happens, and I’ll accept it.
So, how many of you have also considered trying to re-establish contact with a long-lost ex-SO? Anybody actually go through with it? Any advice and/or experience that you can share?
Am I crazy? Is this really a good idea? Do I risk being a selfish asshole for contacting her out of the blue?
I suppose some background is in order. I’m not sure I want to go into the long version here, so here’s the basics: We were together for 2.5 years. It was generally a good relationship, but it broke down. We remained friends for a while afterwards. She made some relationship choices I was really unhappy with (NOT a jealously thing on my part). I decided to break off all contact with her. It was never supposed to be permanent, but turned out that way. I’d always regretted that, but had accepted it. I last heard from her almost seven years ago.
cadolphin and I dated in 1974. We were supposed to go out to a dance for New Year’s Eve. She called me on December 30th and told me she couldn’t go with me, that her grandmother had died.
My 16 year old insecurities kicked in. I thought she had a better date. I never called her back.
Fast forward to 1999. I’m looking up lost classmates for our 25 year reunion and I type her name into Google. Her home page pops up.
I e-mail, she answers, we start a nice conversation, talk on the phone a few times, then meet up in Las Vegas in May of 2001 for a great weekend. We got married in September of that year.
How’s that for no contact? 25 years! Go for it, spiral, what’s the worst that can happen? She tells you to blow it out your nose. At that point you say: “See why I haven’t contacted you in 7 years? Have way too much fun in your life.”
Or you might gain back a lifelong friend. Best of luck to you.
There have been times when I have tried to contact my exhusband to see how he’s doing. But I know now through a third party how badly he’s doing and I’m kinda glad I didnt find him. One of the last times we talked he mentioned that if it werent for a particular Henry Rollins album, one of us would be dead. :eek:
I’ve contacted two former girlfriends. One worked, the other didn’t. The one that worked did so because we were interested in starting a friendship based on who we are now. The other contact didn’t work because she wanted to start where we left off, before I broke up with her. Time and maturity also go a long way toward healing over bad feelings and wounds, making it easier to re-establish contact. If you think you can keep the past out of the present, I’d say go for it.
I stumbled across on ex-gf on a Google search a few years ago. We got the “what would have happened if…” question out of the way quickly (we’re both convinced it wouldn’t have worked) and got things on to a grownup level. We email occasionally about common interests, our families, etc. and things are fine.
I also signed up for one of those reunion websites and found the sister of another old gf. I contacted her, and she updated me on her sister’s life, passed my information on to her sister, but was very careful not to give me contact information. The ex-gf hasn’t contacted me, but that’s ok. My curiosity is satisfied.
However, as Mrs. Kunilou has cautioned, when you put yourself out there trying to find someone, you’re also putting yourself out there to people you may not want to find you.
I dated a gal for about a month at the beginning of 2002. It ended, though not in an ugly way; there just wasn’t a spark there and we called it quits.
Last June, when my dog died, I sent an e-mail to all my friends who had known her, including this particular ex. She wrote back, we traded a few “how are you” e-mails. Then we both signed onto a photography-sharing site, and began e-mailing about that, and then we started going out “photohunting” together on weekends, and those turned into all-day excursions, which turned into weekend trips, &c., &c.
Fast forward to the present, when she is referred to on SDMB as the jillelope.
I’m planning to move out of town (not exactly sure where) this summer, and she’s almost certainly going to come with me. I think this gal may be a keeper.
Not an ex-girlfriend, but I Googled one of The Ones I Should’ve Asked Out once. Found 'er, too. On a local paper’s list of those arrested. DUI and Assaulting a Police Officer. Took the shine off that real quick.
I’m a firm believer that relationships you have never end they just change nature. I know plenty of people who are heavily influenced by people they rarely see or who are dead. So I don’t think you have anything to lose by the attempt to meet again and if you are enjoying the anticipation that’s a good clue to how you feel.
I doubt that something similar will occur if I do contact her, but I’m open to whatever the outcome.
Yikes!
I don’t expect anything like this, or I wouldn’t have taken it even this far. But, seven years is a long time, and who knows what she’s like now. I’ll have to be prepared for anything.
Yeah I agree. This is one of the things I’m contemplating right now. I know there will be some initial “what the hell happened then” that we’ll need to discuss, settle, and get out of the way. She probably deserves an explanation for why I broke contact the way I did. I’m just afraid that, for whatever reason, we’ll never get past it.
I’m sure there will be some “the way things were” talks and reminiscing, which I believe would be healthy. There’s no point in denying the past, of course. However, I don’t want one or both of us to get stuck in the past. I don’t want a friendship whose only basis is what we once shared.
My main fear is somehow hurting her or making things bad for her. I have absolutely no idea what consequences my sudden reappearance in her life might create for her. I don’t want to open any old wounds or create new ones. If my actions in this endeavor bring me some pain and misery that’s fine, it will have been my own doing. I loathe the idea of bringing the same to another. Then again, maybe she’ll be happy to hear from me…
I’ve been seeing relationships in much the same way recently. That might be part of what’s got me to thinking of doing this.
“Enjoying the anticipation.” That’s tricky. I wouldn’t say I’m enjoying the anticipation right now, but I’m not disliking it either. It’s difficult, but I’m trying to not anticipate anything and remain as open, objective, and realistic as possible. This is probably why I decided to seek out opinions.
I’m encouraged that most of the responses so far have been positive and agree with the “I’ve got nothing to lose” approach I’m trying to take. I feel a bit more comfortable with the idea now, although it still scares me a bit. Maybe I’m over-analyzing the whole thing.
So far, all of the responses have been from initiators. Anything from those who have been the one contacted by an ex-SO? I’d like to hear some opinions from the other end of the deal as well.
If I do go through with this the next part is probably going to be the hardest: What the hell am I going to say to her?
I’ve never done it, but my mother will occationally say that “some guy you used to date called here looking for you. I told him you were married with kids and he could leave a number and he didn’t.”
Something vaguely creepy about that - not that it isn’t a little ego stoking as well - but looking up a girl you dated a few times fifteen or twenty years ago by calling her parents.
Anyway, I thought you should know about the vaguely creepy feeling.
I have an ex that I occasionally consider contacting. We dated for 2.5 years while I was in college, and I initiated the break up, which I think is one reason why I’ve never contacted him.
I’ve found a phone number for him (I think - it’s the right name and the same town I went to college in, and I doubt that there are many people in that town with his name), but somehow, I’ve never managed to convince myself to call. Partly because I’m afraid that we wouldn’t be able to move past the breakup and be friends - and partly because I still feel a measure of guilt for the breakup.
Honestly, if I wasn’t scared to do it, I would. You should give her a call - but like others have said, keep it light. If nothing else, there could be a new old friend in it for you.
Late in college, I decided to call an ex-boyfriend from high school, who I’d dated for a few years. I was in a happy relationship then (with the man who’s now my husband), and feeling secure. The relationship with the ex had ended poorly - I’d felt neglected in the relationship, which had turned long distance with us going to different colleges, and he had withdrawn emotionally and as a friend before I broke it off with him. I’d broken up by letter as he kept putting off trips to see me/go back to our hometown on breaks.
I called his parents, who I’d always gotten along with, and asked if they would feel all right giving me his number or at least passing along mine, and that I was happy now and wanted to see if we could at least have a better ending. His mom gave me his number, and I called him. He was surprised to hear from me but sounded happy, and we had a long conversation, during which he revealed that he had realized (not too long before the end of our relationship) that he was actually gay. He was raised very strict Catholic and we were from a smallish conservative town, and he had been in deep denial/repression. He had struggled with whether he was actually gay and what he should say to me, not wanting to hurt me, before I broke it off. (Months after I wrote the “Dear John” letter, I got one back from him apologizing for his behavior and saying he hadn’t meant to hurt me, but he hadn’t mentioned what was behind it.) We ended up on a very good note. We saw each other a couple times before I moved again and we drifted apart, but it was a nice closure to what had been a good friendship and something that bugged me on occasion, as to what had gone wrong.
If you do it right, at worst you may cause some consternation, a rolling of the eyes, etc, but you won’t necessarily hurt her. By “do it right” I mean contact her in a way that leaves her an “out.” E-mail, snail mail, a mutual friend, parents, etc., are ways in which she has a choice to follow through and contact you, or decide not to. Once you contact her, don’t say anything that will hurt, like laying blame, guilt or expressing anger. Ask yourself why you want to contact her, and be honest with yourself. The wrong motives will show through and will cause problems.
How about “Hi?” “I [saw, heard, visited something] that reminded me of you, and I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
I think about contacting one of my exes on a fairly regular basis. I never actually do it, though. I realized recently that we dated 9 years ago, yet I still miss her. We’d have been perfect for each other except for the fact that she didn’t want to be monogamous. And now I’d be OK with that - go figure. Anyway, I work for an information provider (public records data, that sort of thing) so it’s trivially easy for me to track down just about anyone in the US. But I don’t do it - not yet, anyway. Maybe some day.
