A cat pokes its head over the windowsill. “How about talking cats?”
Mrs. Merriwether: “Hey, look, a talking cat! Let’s dress it up in crotchless panties made out of poodle sausages and make it dance for us!”
To which the Cook replies "I love talking cats. They go loverrly with the smoking dog and Earl of Grey I was nearly, but not quite entirely unready to serve for tea’.
Cat: :eek: Um… I think I shall just nip off to the corner shop and get some… uh… er… biscuits! Yes, biscuits!
Cat disappears into the bushes
Mr. Meriweather: “I hate it when my pussy back talks, don’t you agree, Mrs. Slocumbe?”
Cook: “Tea is now being served. We have a fine selection of crotchless panties, poodle sausages, Earl of Grey tea and … where did that dang cat go? I wanted to use it for the pudding or sandwiches. Well, you just can’t trust a pussy to lay there and take it without some sort of fight I suppose. Now, Mr. Meriweather, one lump or two?”
Mrs. Meriweather: “How about that intriguing-looking lump in Mr. Meriweather’s trousers, eh?”
Cook: “I don’t think we want him putting THAT lump in his tea. Not right now, anyway.”
There is a knock at the door and soon Inspector Crumberhaven bustles is. “Well, well, well. You don’t seemed too surprised to see me. Interesting…”
“Interesting, Mr. Meriweather”, Inspector Crumberhaven said, while staring at the “lump” in Mr. Meriweather’s trousers, “Is that a banana or are you just glad to see me?” “Oh, by the way, Ms. Scarlet, Mrs. Peacock says you left your riding crop and spurs at her house again last night.”
“Well,” said Mr. Meriweather, “I wasn’t the one nicknamed ‘Lumpy’ in high school, was I, Inspector?”
Mr. Winston Wolf: “Mmm. Good tea, Jimmy. Now let’s get those bits of brain cleaned up. Vitty well, droogs, if only they’d give us the Glengarry leads or a vorpal sword, we could stand up to the Judean Peoples Front.”
Mrs. Scarlet: Yes, Muffy. And by Muffy you just know I mean you, Winston. But personally, I don’t think I’d like to stand up to the Judean Peoples Front, I’d rather lie down, if you know what I meeeaan. Now Muffy, I think it’s time since you’ve been a bad boy to have another crumpet, and then let me put you in a barrel full of fish, if you know what I mean.
The cook walks in and looks at the assembled people: "Now that dinner is served, who wants to eat me?
Mr. Merriwether: Why, I do believe I’d be delighted to, Wittiker the Cook.
Mr. Merriwether then tackles the cook, stabs him with a knife, slashes, and chops him with a meat cleaver
There were are now. Missus Merriwether, Miz Scarlet & Winston, Professor, and you too Inspector - won’t you come inside- who wants the snout?
Mrs. Merriwether: For goodness sake, darling, did you have to fillet the cook on the new Persian rug? If you’ve cut through to the backing, I shall be ever so cross with you.
Professor, quietly under his breath: So like you
I don’t care if I’m breaking the rules, it’s my thread and I want it to live.
Mrs. Merriwether: Honey?
Mr. Merriwether: What is it this time, dear?
Mrs. Merriwether: There’s just, something I should tell you. About your job at the boating docks.
Mr. Merriwether: (silence)
Mrs. Merriwether: You see, well, you see, um, oh dear it’s cold today, well, you see deary… I’m, a man.
Mr. Merriwether: (long silence) How long has this been going on, then?
Mrs. Merriwether: Oh, a while… I suppose… that’s why I asked about the tea, you see. I wanted to start a situation where I could just naturally enter it into conversation like it was nothing.