I’m walking down the street. Everything seems normal. The people are all carrying tortoises which is normal and nothing to be surprised about.
I turn down a side street and see a very large alien craft lower itself from the sky. It’s so large that it soon eclipses the sun and causes darkness all around.
I stop and stare, because this is not something you see most days.
The craft lands on the rooftops and out of a small hole drops a rope ladder.
Down the ladder is climbing Scarlett Johanssen.
Wait, Scarlett Johanssen? I can’t be lucky enough to meet her. This must be a…
I am aware. I am having a Lucid Dream OMG. STAY ASLEEP! NO DON’T GO TO SLEEP. STAY AWAKE IN THE DREAM. HOLD IT! HOLD ONNNN!
Done! Ahhh. Now what.
What shall I do with my lucidity.
Scarlett. Come here… wait. No come here… Don’t walk away? DON’T TURN INTO THE POPE! THIS IS A LUCID DREAM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER MY CONTROL!
The Papal hue falls from Scarlett Johanssen and she continues towards me, gently rocking as if she’s walking on a small ship at sea. She begins to sing, softly but with great spirit, “Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me…”
The tortoises start to sing in harmony but the people don’t notice. Scarlett Johanssen is almost to me, hot breath and all, when a discomfited braised trake starts to inch its way up my inner thigh.
Whatever a braised trake is, it smells vaguely like chocolate cake.
Lo and and behold, Scarlett is a raving chocolate cake fan and now my upper thigh is the most desirable object in the world to her. With parted lips and heaving bosom she lunges for my person when, with a ringtone that seems to be a Journey song, her cell phone rings.
“Sorry, I have to take this.”
She listened for a moment.
“Don’t be an idiot. That was not me in the SquareBob Spongepants movie.”
She flipped the phone closed and threw it over her shoulder, hitting a tortoise, who screamed in pain. People turned and looked at me in horror.