Don’t know if anyone mentioned it, but “resource”, as a person, infuriates me.
I am not a book you can page through. I am not a spreadsheet which you can download and scroll through.
I am a person filled with knowledge for your query. Ask away, but don’t say, “My trusted resource told me…”
Glad I’m not the only one who was pissed off by being referred to as a valuable resource in my performance evaluation.
At least you’re not a “report”.
Maybe not “corporate speak” in the strictest sense, but it happens at work, so I will share.
My boss loves to ask and answer his own questions:
“Are we going to make this change? Yes. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. Is it going to benefit us? Yes!”
mmm
“Are you going to do all the work and am I going to take all the credit if it works? Yes!”
“Am I going to micromanage to the point of failure and put all the blame on you? Yes!”
This is absolutely deliberate on the part of corporate management. They want to be damn sure that every employee knows damn well that employees are nothing other than “assets” in some accountant’s journal, right up there with the office furniture. And don’t you ever forget it!
And when they say they want their employees to feel the brand again, they mean “like cattle”.
Taken from a government website:
The [insert event here] has a full suppression, values-driven strategy that utilizes a mix of tactics (direct, indirect and point protection) when and where the probability of success is high and the risk is commensurate to identified values.
I’ll let you take a WAG at what sort of event this word salad is a part of.
Tripler
“Values-driven strategy” indeed. . . 
I thought of a WAG. Then I googled it. (Hint: there is enough in your quote to be immediately googlable.) My WAG was basically right.
I’m bothered less by terminology than by the general tone of corporate rhetoric. Whenever some company does something unkind or hurtful and gets called on it, they release a statement like, “Company X is committed to providing outstanding products / services to our community, and do not tolerate whatever it is we authorized and are sorry we got caught doing.”
Just STFU. Nobody believes that crap. It’s just a series of noises made in the hope that it will quell the crisis without actually doing anything.
The classic one might be when you call (virtually any company anywhere) and before you reach a human you get, “This call may be recorded for quality assurance.” As if their concern is actually serving the customer better. From what I understand, it’s more about policing the people who work the phones, who are in turn forced to read from annoying little scripts that insult the intelligence of everyone involved.
Sometimes it’s the actual tone of voice of the speaker themselves. Going through some airports in the country the person doing the canned announcements about not leaving your bags unattended and such… What an incredibly cloying, faux-polite voice. It’s actually painful for me to hear. I’m far from a violent guy, but I always imagine pummeling the person in front of that microphone.
Saying corporate bullshit with perfect diction and a welded-on smile doesn’t make it any less dishonest.
‘Resources’ are there to be exploited.
So much this. And why are call volumes heavier than normal more than 50% of the time. We’re not buying that either. Mgmt basically looks to see that you (employee) follow the script and hang up again ASAP. I know this because I’ve worked customer service at more than one place. They even timed you when their client says long calls are okay, because customer is #1. Not to the call center business though. Making money is #1 and high call turnover is part of that.
This totally belongs in this other thread:
This.
Whether aimed at employees or at the public it totally means
I’ve been hearing a lot of statements like that in the corporate sponsorships on NPR lately. Maybe not exactly like what you’re saying, but industries that have been criticized for something trying to spin it as something positive:
Has anyone else noticed that when the top managers of a company are revealed to be sexually harassing employees, or cost cutting or shoddy practices kill customers, the flacks will say “XYZ Corp is dedicated to a safe environment to all or to quality.”
Translation: it is in a mission statement somewhere, but we pity the poor fools who think that anyone violating this will be held accountable - unless they make noise or we want to get rid of them for some other reason.
Here’s my favorite for where I live:
We need to do X to keep energy prices low.
Since that savings never shows up on my bill, the translation is
Let do X so the energy company can make even more profit destroying the environment (and your neighborhoods).