I think there are big, lavish weddings done for the sake of fun and having lots and lots of people there. There are also big, lavish weddings that are symptomatic of a weird hyperfocus on being princessy.
The problem for threads like this is the difference really isn’t in the amount spent. It’s in the attitude and resources of the people throwing the party.
All three of my brothers married in very big Catholic weddings, because the fun and celebration was important to them.
My two sisters and I married in very small, private ceremonies, because we just wanted something small and quiet. I’m not a fan of huge ceremonies for anything, so it’s no surprise I didn’t want a huge wedding.
There’s nothing wrong with either attitude, in my opinion. If people are going into serious debt, they should perhaps reassess.
It depends a lot on how financially stressful the thing is. I’d think a $30K wedding put on by those who would hardly notice it is more responsible than a $10k wedding put on by people deep in credit card debt.
I don’t know about that. Some people who spend $20,000 to make their wedding day the happiest day of their life actually succeed. Unfortunately, this means that all of the days of the marriage itself will be less happy than the wedding day.
In 1983, we spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000. Is that equivalent to $20,000 in today’s money? I don’t know. We were separated from November of 1988 to December of 1999, but I still count us as being married 31 years 11 days from now.
Venue: my parents’ house
Food: made by my sisters and mom
Ushers: my brothers-in-law
Champagne: provided by my dad (he also rented chairs, tables, and sun umbrellas)
Music: a quartet from the local symphony orchestra
Flowers: cut and arranged by gardening relatives
we bought a cake for 50 people, and had my bouquet and a few corsages made professionally. My husband-to-be was forced into a cheap suit and I was wearing a simple long white dress off the rack.
There was a rehearsal dinner for 20 that my dad paid for, the night before.
That’s all I can remember paying for. Oh, and it was a Zen wedding because at the time we were living in a Zen monastery. Three of our friends who were ordained did the ceremony. There are no bridesmaids etc. in this rite. There are gongs, and chanting in Japanese and Sanskrit, though. My family didn’t bat an eye but my husband’s relatives, imported from the South for the occasion, were suitably gobsmacked.
I don’t know what it cost my father, nothing he could not afford out of pocket, certainly. All we bought was the bouquet, the cake, the dress and the suit, plus plain gold rings (no engagement ring because no engagement).
Still married 35 years later. We really haven’t changed the way we do things since then, either. Except we aren’t Zen buddhists any more.
You didn’t by any chance marry at the Historic Little Wedding Chapel in Elkton, did you?
My first wedding was probably $5000, and I don’t mind saying was lovely. There were about 30 people there and the biggest line in the budget was the restaurant. My dress was from a consignment shop, The photos were taken by a relative. We paid the cost of her renting some pro equipment. The venue is a state park. Using that cost $200. That was in 1996. We divorced in 1999.
My second wedding was one click of the dial past elopement. Eleven people including us. Chapel, lunch overlooking the Chesapeake, flowers, cake and my dress ($25 at Nordstrom Rack!) all came together for under $500. We stayed married until his death. We had ups and downs. My sense is that we might have ended up divorcing and then remarried to each other down the road. Not being in love was not any of our problems.
I do agree that cost expressed as a percentage of income is more telling than just picking $20,000. A couple that spends more than they can afford on their weddings are probably not great with money, and will have problems around money, which is reportedly a very common cause of divorce. My own biased perception is that any bride (or groom, but I’ve never heard of a Groomzilla) who lets/expects her PARENTS pay more than they can afford on Her Very Special Day because it has to perfect may be old enough to get married but is likely not mature enough to stay married.
Is it? Is, say, $200k spent on a wedding any less egregious because it’s pocket change to the families? (And by that, I mean money spent on the wedding itself, not necessarily in travel or paying fifty people’s airfare or other things that might have collateral value - if you can afford to bring together an extended family, it’s hard to call it waste. Spending $15k on a wedding cake just because it’s from the hottest big-name baker in the country, though, or similar amounts on a dress, or on decorations… how can that be anything but waste regardless of what proportion of your wealth it represents?)
All of the issues are certainly magnified when the costs approach the bride or groom’s annual income, especially if it’s all put on credit cards and loans.
You don’t have to go very far back before wedding planning barely acknowledges the presence of the groom - amid the enormously bride-centric planning and rituals, he’s barely a prop whose only job is to show up, stand up and not blow his brief lines.
My first wedding (second marriage, however) was in 1991, and we were given a couple of then-current planning books. One had a page of “suggested photos” for the wedding day. The groom appeared in something like five out of 100. This was NOT some antediluvian Emily Post book, but one of the current hot-seller “modern wedding” books. The rest of the planning was similarly bride, bride, bride with glances at other participants.
I’ve glanced at a few such books in recent years. Some have gone a long ways towards both being moderate about expenditure and making it a truly two-person event, but it’s not hard to see through some of the author exasperation that they “have” to spend any time talking about the groom at all. Never mind the sad, sad case where a bride has to work within a choke budget.
My wedding cost about $2,500 (in 2001), which isn’t bubkes, but most of it was for the caterer. We wanted our guests to enjoy themselves. My dress cost $24.50 (plus tax). DH’s clothes came from JC Penney’s and Goodwill, but actually cost a little more than mine. Still, under $100 for the two of us together. We bought gifts for all the people in the wedding party, and new kippot for all the men. That cost about $300.
14th anniversary in March.
FWIW, our wedding inspired two other couples we knew who were fence sitting about whether and when to get married a few months after we did.
We got gifts, even though we didn’t register, and tried to get a word-of-mouth campaign going discouraging them. I got all my thank you notes done before we got back from the honeymoon. Just so no one thinks I was a bridezilla.
We spent under 2K, including rings, clothing, reception, everything. It was truly one of the prettiest and most meaningful weddings I ever saw.
5 years later we split up and I am only sorry that I wasted such a nice event on such a doomed relationship. If divorces cost a million dollars I’d be willing to make payments for the rest of my life and would still count myself damned lucky.
I’ve set up a small vivarium with wild-caught silkworms in our spare bedroom. I’m feeding them kitchen refuse. If all goes according to plan, I’ll eventually be able to make my future bride’s silk wedding gown.
The only wedding I’ve been to that almost certainly cost more than that was a great wedding and the couple are still together. They’d been together for eight years before the wedding and I’d be really surprised if they ever divorced.
The bride’s father paid for quite a bit of it, but he could afford to, and he was happy to. The bride and groom still paid for a lot and I’m sure there was a lot of behind the scenes arguing I didn’t see but I doubt Bridezilla or its mother ever reared its ugly head.
They scrimped on certain things, like not having a wedding DJ (they had an ipod dock hooked up to great speakers, and this was about 2005) and her wearing a cheapish dress (which she was more comfortable in) and splurged bigtime on renting a whole enormous hotel (nobody had to pay to stay there), good food, a great ceilidh band and even helping with some travel costs for some guests. That meant that most of the family was there, and they all had so much fun that I think it’s paid for itself in cementing family relations.
But they could afford it. I don’t know the details of their finances, but they got a mortgage not long after, can manage with both working part-time while looking after little kids, etc. They wouldn’t have taken out huge loans to do it or put off buying a house.
That, I suspect, is the real problem with some big weddings: doing that instead of all the thing that actually count instead of in addition to. Splurging all the money on the cherry and forgetting the cake.
