Well, that’s kind of true. 
When I was a kid I thought that old people’s poop was white (much in the same way their hair was gray/white). I think this got started when I went into the bathroom after my grandpa had taken a crap and there was still some toilet paper left in the toilet that was poo shaped (crumpled). It made sense to me at the time that if their hair could turn white so could their stool. :smack:
I carried that one around for a while…
No, it wasn’t a Christian-reunited in Heaven kind of thing-I thought that when I got older, they’d be resurrected.
When I was younger, I used to imagine the stomach was a cylindrical tank. The skin that formed the abdomen and the back of the body were walls of that tank. In my imagination, upon swallowing, food justplopped into the tank. I had heard that casual walking after meals helped digestion. That led me to conclude that , the top of the legs protruded from the bottom into the tank and walking caused them to act like levers stirring around the food in the stomach that led to proper “digestion”. And oh yes, the butt hole was a valve at the bottom of the tank for the obvious purpose. It all made such perfect sense.
One more. I did not learn much about masturbation before I tried it in practice. My “advisor” friend advised me only about the motion with the hand, and that it would feel nice, but for reasons best known to him, he made no mention of the final “outcome”. As for me, I had no idea that the pee tool had any other function beside peeing.
Anyways, I followed “instructions” and it did feel nice too. I remember wondering why the normal urge of peeing felt so different this time. It of course, continued to feel nicer and nicer until I felt it was the nicest pee of all time that I had.
I looked down expecting to see the regular “pee”, but instead when I saw the liquid that my peeing apparatus had thrown up, I almost fainted with fear.
I still remember the thoughts racing thro my head. That white and slimy stuff oozing and dripping from my dick has to be pus !! It looked like pus from infected wounds!! It has to be pus! What else could it be?? Pus!! Shit!! I just caused my dick to get all infected and messed up!
I think I will have to just kill that f@** advisor friend! But wait, let me first see if I can pee. Because if I can pee, that would mean the tool is still doing its job. I can worry about the pus later.
So, I tried to pee asap, and naturally the damn pee wouldn’t come out right away either. That got me convinced that my dick was destroyed and it would just ooze more and more pus until one day it would just fall out. I still remember the relief when after an hour or so I felt the urge, and went to the toilet afraid that I would witness more “pus” but saw normal “pee”!!
Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy……dick saved!!!
You’re a bit absent minded, too.
I learned the facts of life in like, four seconds (“The man puts his willy in the woman, then she gets pregnant”, a wiser kid had told me) so whereas I had the gist of it, I lacked a more detailed analysis. So, without knowledge of orgasms or ejaculation or such like, I just believed that you lay on the woman, kissing, until such a time that the novelty wore off, and you rolled over. Most James Bond movies backed me up on this.
In the movie Porkies, they all laugh at the nerdy guy who went on a date already wearing a condom… up until this point, this had not seemed like such a bad idea to me.
Als, I believed that when you were flying in a plane, going on holidays or whatever, you could just open a indow and stick you hand out into the breeze, and grab a piece of cloud, which was like wet Candy floss.
Hmm.
You ever give any thought as to how bald guys might impact that theory?
A bald guy’s poop would be invisible!
I had imparted to me (by my brother who was a year and a half older, and of course much wiser) the concept that a girl gets pregnant after a man urinates inside a woman. Were we to discuss such subjects again, I’m sure he would be happy to know that thus far I have not done so, and am thus still childless. He, however, has two children.
That boy always did know how to piss.
Our older brother also told both of us that you could get AIDS from hotel pillows, and that “Ding Dongs” were changed to “King Dons” because “ding-dong” was a racial slur. When reminded of this years later, he nearly choked on his margarita, and laughed so hard that damn near killed him.
Our older sister explained to us that “frigate” was a bad word and should not be spoken in front of our parents.
Much to my dismay, my sibling’s children are much less gullible than I was as a child.
I saw an education program on TV were condom use was demonstrated by a man putting the condom on over the first 2 fingers after his thumb while a voiceover explained that condoms are worn on the penis. As a result I thought “penis” was the proper name for those first 2 fingers.
When I was four-ish my brother and I one day decided we’d better be careful about going into the laundry room, because there might be witches in there. So we threw banana peels in before we went in, thinking that the witches would slip on the banana peels and then they’d no longer be a threat.
This one I’m kind of ashamed of now because it’s so racist. I think I saw a book or something that was talking a bit about rural Japan and areas there that had no electricity. So I thought that all Japan had no electricity. When I mentioned this in my class my teacher corrected me and told me that they in fact made video games in Japan (this was around 1991). So I pictured in my mind a bunch of cartoon caricatures of Japanese people* in a big yurt putting the buttons in NES controllers but not really knowing what they were.
- I have no idea where I got that image from. Maybe they still showed some of the Warner Brothers cartoons that had Asian sterotypes back then. I know they showed Bosko cartoons.
This is one that happened to my older brother and I did not witness it, but he told me about it later. He had the idea that he could wear a helmet and lie down in the street and he’d be safe. So he did. A car drove right over him-- not the wheels; he was underneath the car’s center. That scared that idea out of him.
Another one I’m kind of ashamed about now. There was a kid in this neighborhood whom I and some of the other kids considered “bad”. I decided one day to do something about this, so I attacked his younger brother. I think I figured since the older brother was “bad” then the younger brother was too. He was actually a perfectly nice kid. Man, now I feel really guilty. I had this toy ghostbuster backpack and gun which were connected to each other by a flexible plastic tube, kind of like a hose I guess. I went up to the kid (and I recall now he smiled and said hello. Like I said, a perfectly nice kid) holding it by the tubey part with the gun thing at the end and I swung it down on his head so that the gun thing hit him. At least I wasn’t strong enough to do any serious damage.
I don’t remember exactly how my dad punished me. I remember standing in the garage with him while he tore the yellow tubey thing off of the ghostbuster toys, and I felt guilty like I deserved more punishment than I got. I don’t even remember exactly what my dad did to punish me, but in my memory he went a lot easier on me than I expected him to, like he was more disappointed in me than angry. I felt so guilty.
I wanted to be like my dad, so one day I tried shaving. I just ran his razor down my face without any shaving cream and I ended up getting lots of small cuts on my face. But afterward I felt that having all the band-aids on my face made me cool.
For awhile I would use the words “tooths” and “foots” just because I didn’t like the way “teeth” and “feet” sounded.
I remember thinking that Kermit the Frog had something to do with fog. I pictured him walking through fog, I don’t know if I thought he caused it or anything. When I told my brother, he told me that when he was a kid he thought fog was what happened whenever frogs pooped.
Well, have you ever seen a bald guy’s poop? 
I think at the time the only thing that would have thrown my theory would have been someone with alopecia universalis (bald people have eye brows and other hair) or me actually expressing this opinion to someone over 8 (which I never did).
I just remembered another one that I meant to add. Sometimes my grandma would read to me, and there were two books she had that where on each page there was an often-used word or phrase which was accompanied by an illustration of its literal meaning or homonym. I think one of them was called “A Chocolate Moose for Dinner” and on the cover there was a picture of someone having dinner with a moose made of chocolate as a guest. It was stuff like that. Another example is a page that said “the king reined” and showed a picture of rainclouds in the shape of a king.
I found these books vaguely scary, but I liked scary stuff so it was all good.
One of them had a page with a picture of a tree growing out of a toilet. I don’t remember what the phrase was. For a while after reading that I would always run out of the bathroom as fast as I could after flushing the toilet because I was scared of a tree growing out.
Toiletries , perhaps?
Not to be confused with a Toilet Tree,of course! 
You may have been influenced by a Sesame Street segment. There was one where our favorite roving reporter, Kermit (with is hat, trnechcoat and microphone) is in London to interview someone about the famous London fog.
Typically, his news reports go awry, and instead it ends up being about “the London jog” and he and this guy do sort of clog dancing on the street. They used quite a fog machine for effect, so there was a thick, thick haze for that segment.
One I just remembered today. As a kid, I went to a Catholic school and in first grade we learned about Purgatory. (Sort of like a half-way point. You’re not bad enough for Hell, but you still have a few sins on your soul, so you go here first and get redeemed, then you move on to Heaven).
Well, I pictured it like a big carwash, where they’d “wash your soul” clean, until you were ready to go to Heaven.
Is that anything like the urine monster? I remember when I was a kid seeing a cartoon by…oh what the hell is his name? the guy who did cartoons for National Lampoon. Of a little kid facing a blob of a piss colored monster emerging from the toilet. I used to flush and then run like hell in case the urine monster showed up.
I swear, people get their panties in a twist over kids seeing porn, but my stepfather’s Playboys never did me any harm, but his National Lampoons left me seriously disturbed.
Gahan Wilson?
It doesn’t? :eek:
:: slinks away ::
Ah, yes, Purgatory.
I thought it was a waiting room for everyone. And if the family members that were still alive prayed for their purgatory souls enough, they would get into Heaven. I always did a “blanket” prayer to cover for all the people who had no friends or family.
Limbo was another incredibly scary concept brought to us by The Catholic Church. It was where all unbaptised babies went. This bothered me endlessly because How could babies Limbo since they couldn’t stand up yet?
I think the Church did away with Limbo not so long ago. That really bothered me. What nonsense did they replace that nonsense with to terrorize children?