I was just thinking about terrible superheroes the other day; ones with a lousy premise, lousy execution, or some combination of both.
Then it came to me—"‘Vibe’? ‘Disco Dazzler’? That’s nothing. A really awful superhero would be a thing of beauty that’d get an angry mob after you, if you did it straight, and somehow got published."
My first ideas:
•**Stemm Sell™! **(With apologies to South Park)
“After undergoing experimental embryonic stem cell therapy to treat end-stage neurodegenerative disease, this new hero found that not only had their health been restored, but that they’d gained superhuman longevity, endurance, and strength—as long as they kept up their regimen of fetal stem cell infusions, with ‘booster’ doses for extra power in emergencies, or even gaining fantastic new temporary powers from fetii that had genetic superpower potential!”
•SuperMahdi! ('Nuff said)
…anyone else have any ideas? Or a good handbasket?
So, there were these two guys who I would run into at the comic book store on a regular basis - they were employees, but one of them was usually off-duty, just hanging around to shoot the breeze with the guy who was working. And they would talk about just about anything and everything - no topic too taboo, gross, or outlandish.
As I am not that different myself, I would occasionally join in with their riffing.
So one day, I walk in, and they’re talking about Octomom. Specifically, they’re riffing on the idea of her as a supervillain, rapidly producing babies (I believe the phrase ‘squirting out’ was used) to hurl as semi-autonomous projectiles at her foes.
Not to be outdone, I put forth the idea of Octomom’s heroic nemesis - Dr. Coathanger. See, he’d lost a hand to one of Octomom’s infants, and had to replace it with a crude prosthesis…
Rod and Peter are humble Scoutmasters by day, but by night these two are outfitted like the most outlandish participants at a Fire Island Pride parade. This unambiguous duo is capable of taking the most disgusting liberal ideas and shoving them down the throats of even the most righteous religious conservatives. The list of previously incorruptible Republicans who have been “turned” (often in an airport restroom) is long, and growing longer.
Although Muslim countries deny they even exist, here in America they are known for attacking the sanctity of marriage and weakening the moral foundations of society. Half the country cannot fathom why the other half considers them Heroes - while their supporters think that they’re not only Good, but Fabulous!
Stereotype Man, whose power is to turn people into the most offensive, caricatured stereotype of whichever group they belong to.
Stereotype Man: “Let’s see, I got a Republican arrested for puppy kicking, a black guy sent to the hospital because he had a watermelon allergy (oops!), and a feminist arrested for sexual assault.”
Sidekick: “Huh? Why sexual assault?”
Stereotype Man: “Well, she got a compulsion to burn a bra, but didn’t wear any. So she had to rip it off someone else.”
The anthology Superheroes contained a short story called Origin Story by Dwight R. Decker
It was about a man offered the chance to embody the power of an ancient sun god- when he puts on the magic ring he is transformed into Captain Swastika.
Some heroes owe their powers to simply not being human: Superman is faster than a speeding bullet because he’s a weird space alien, Thor is a Viking god, and so on. And then you’ve got your ordinary humans who get handed a power ring, or injected with a super-soldier serum, or whatever.
But for a few, we’re told it’s just unlocked potential: something anybody could learn to do: think The Shadow and The Power To Cloud Men’s Minds, say. Or think of Doctor Strange reciting the magic words that let him cast spells. Or think of Peter Cannon concentrating while speaking his mantra.
Think, too, of how Green Lantern’s power ring doesn’t work on anything made of wood. Of how the Mandrill’s super-pheromones only affect women.
Well, our hero’s power over melanin pretty much only works on black people; he could give white folks a small tingle, but can painfully incapacitate dark-skinned evildoers the way anyone could: by truly, truly, believing when reciting his magic-words mantra to call upon the birthright of all mankind.
The Redacter, with the power to change origin stories. He meets Superman: bang, Krypton didn’t blow up, the Supreme Council banished him; He meets Batman: no bang, Bruce is just a bored millionaire out for late night kicks; He meets Wolverine: he really was a High Evolutionary project and transformed into a human from a wolverine.
Between these two, I am reminded of Magic Eye from Super Stupor. One of his powers is to compel someone to tell the truth…but his dick has to be inside them to make it work.
She could be stalked by the relatives / friends / significant others of people who suicided / went insane / joined monasteries when they were suddenly forced to admit things about themselves that they had deeply denied or just had no clue about. Of course, she could also be protected by grateful followers whose lives improved after their epiphanies.
This thread made me remember The Spleen, played by Paul Reubens in Mystery Men. He could aim incapacitating farts.
Which brings to mind Multi-Man, a DC villain who had various superpowers over the years. The trick was: if he was killed, he’d come back (quickly) with a different power or set of powers. This ability was put to the test when he was trapped somewhere with the Joker who wanted to get out of their mutual prison, and just kept shooting Multi-Man over and over until he got the right power.
