So, do you have anyone who lives with you who isn’t human? I don’t mean pets, or that roommate with all the vile habits, but former inanimate objects that have somehow developed a name and personality. This is, of course, most common with stuffed animals (or, as they prefer to be called, Plush-Americans), but also extends to cars and various other things that don’t have faces. At our house, we have a multitude of them.
In the living room live the following:
Mr. Dodge Beaver: A former sherriff (he used to have a bandanna and a badge), he now is in charge of our internet security.
Ruudyard & Bernadette: Armadillos. Ruudyard is a lot smaller than Bernadette, and has been with me much longer. He is very interested in snails and slugs, and often introduces us to the ones that come hang out on the front porch at night. Bernadette is slightly shy - before she came to us, she told us, she lived/worked in a factory, and it doesn’t seem to have been a very nice sort of place at all. She likes to practice “Zero Sum Tunnelling” which is the practice of digging through the earth without leaving a hole behind you - the dirt you dig in front of you goes to fill in the hole behind you. It’s a very dangerous sport, as you can imagine, but she does have the advantage of not needing to breathe.
Applejack: A small green turtle, a longtime friend of Oni no Husband’s, who is the de-facto leader of the inanimates around the house. He is a big fan of Maryland Basketball (GOOOO TERPS!)
**No-Face: **An odd combination of a blank white mask, a cookie jar (which the mask is tied to) and a purple derby that used to be mine before No-Face appropriated it. Like the No-Face in Spirited Away, he speaks only in grunts and squeaks.
In the kitchen we have only two residents currently, Ferdinand (a potholder) and his brother Emiliano (a matching kitchen towel). Ferdinand used to have a bad case of wanderlust, but lately he’s been staying put in the kitchen pretty well. Actually, we should toss the two of them in the washer - they haven’t been washed in a while, and they’ll like that.
Nobody lives in the hallway.
The bathroom has only one resident: **The Tub. ** Yes, our bathtub has developed a personality. :o He’s got a pretty one-track mind: he wants us to get a puppy, even though we’ve explained that our lease doesn’t allow it and we don’t have a yard for the puppy to play in. He’s volunteered to watch the puppy during the day, pointing out that the linoleum floor in the bathroom is very easy to clean up, and if the puppy should happen to jump into him and piddle, you can just turn on the water to clean it up! He will be very happy when we move, since we’ve promised that we will try really hard to find a house that will accommodate a dog.
The room with the highest density of dwellers is our bedroom. They’re divided into two categories: the Small Animals and the residents of the Bed-Sea. The Small Animals live in a basket near the dresser, and not all of them have personalities. Some of the more prominent members are:
Ling, Po, and Cao Mu: These three are all Beanie Babies, part of the Chinese Zodiac set. Ling is a tiger, her sweetheart Po is a chow dog, and their friend Cao Mu is an ox. Ling and Po got a lot of flak when they first became involved, because of the common cultural perception that felines and canines shouldn’t even get along, let alone fall in love. Because of that, they left their home and came to live with us. They are both accomplished acrobats, and often amaze us with their dexterous tricks. Po is very protective of Ling - I get the feeling that she was much more affected by their community’s rejection than he was. Cao Mu does not have the acrobatic skill - he is, after all, an ox, not a graceful animal - but he is an accomplished herbalist, and the one person from the Chinese Beanie community who didn’t reject his friends when their relationship was revealed.
**Rollins: **A green rhinoceros that looks a lot like Henry Rollins. Former drill sargeant. Has a Black Flag tattoo just like his namesake’s.
In the Bed-Sea live the following:
Myrtle: A dolphin, she has a very sarcastic personality, and likes to be right. A lot. She often points out the superiority of dolphins to just about everyone else, especially humans; however, she has vehemently stated that we are NOT to bring another dolphin into the house. She likes to play RPGs, and often reads over Oni no Husband’s shoulder as he’s reading himself to sleep with gaming books. Despite her prickliness, she loves to be hugged as you’re drifting off to sleep (as long as you don’t drool on her.) Myrtle has a lot of personality, and is one of our favorite Plushes. She will occasionally GM when the Bedroom Plushes have a gaming session. It was Myrtle who first named the Bed-Sea; before that it was just our bed.
Senor Whale: A world traveller, he comes and goes just as Ferdinand used to, but always comes home to the Bed-Sea. A very congenial older gentleman, he spends a lot of time in the warm waters of Mexico (hence his appelation).
Pun’kin Bear: A bear with a jack-o’lantern for a body, he has a worried look on his face. He is very concerned with being Secure, and does not venture far from even the pillow end of the Bed-Sea. Changing the sheets often requires doing some negotiating and soothing of Pun’kin.
**Flatty: **A very old, very flat pillow. She is nice and soothing, and good for putting over one’s eyes when one’s spouse is reading and the light is preventing sleep.
Soft: Our warmest blanket, she gets summers off. As per her name, she is very soft as well as being very warm. She is printed on both sides, one side with a Fierce Eagle and the other side with a Gentle Stag. They don’t have personalities (yet) but which one is up depends on the mood Soft is in that day. Soft is very kind and sweet.
**Little Puff: A down comforter, named after Big Puff (another down comforter). Really good for both very warm and very cool weather. He’s young and enthusiastic about his job.
Good Ol’ Comforter: Black on one side and teal on the other, I’ve had him since…well, since that color combination was fashionable. Of medium weight, he is always on the bottom layer during my Time of the Month, since his black side hides any stains well.
Rushdie is a camel, and definitely our largest Plush at 2 feet high, 2 1/2 feet long. He doesn’t live on the Bed-Sea, since he is too large, but he lives near it and pokes his nose up onto it, so we generally count him with the Bed-Sea crew. He’s a Muslim. His name came from the fact that we saved him from a fatwa; he had been slated to be destroyed as part of a performance that a friend was giving, but we smuggled him out and saved him from that fate. We once smuggled him into a movie theater when we went to go see The Story of the Weeping Camel. Once he was in the theater, the other patrons loved him! One lady said, “Oh look! They brought their camel!” in a tone that said that she wished she and her husband had brought their camel. Rushdie really enjoyed the popcorn, as well as the camel-centered movie.
So, who else has a bunch of people they live with, who happen to be inanimate? Tell us about them!
