Critique My Fiction Query Letter?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I suspect that we have various authors and editors here who have seen many a query letter. And I assume that any second pair of eyes would be useful just on that merit alone. Would it be possible to request anyone so willing to kindly critique my attempt?

Dear <Mr. Person>:

Living in a world where adulthood brings a sort of insanity in which one ceases to be able to care about anything but glut and debauchery, a group of children seek to escape to some better place and start life anew. A relatively short work, The Children’s Epic comes in at about 74,000 words. While it contains some elements that could only be described as magic, I’m not certain whether it would be successful as fantasy, being rather bleak and having it’s primary concern being the underlying message over the events that unfold. I suppose one could say that it’s closest to Heart of Darkness, but with more swashbuckling. I took notice that you were interested in both fantasy writing as well as literary fiction, which seemed ideal for someone who might be interested in representing the work.

The story begins with the birth of our protagonist, Kesshi, and his first few years growing up–feeling the need to explore from his earliest days so that he must not endure watching his parents. And so he meets his closest friends, Soan and Suji, the three of them becoming local celebrities among the other children through small missions and projects. But after Soan is nearly sold to an adult for his personal use, Kesshi decides that they must leave and try to find some new place to live, where perhaps the adults’ curse will not effect them. Together, they decide to gather as many other children as they are able, and begin a march for the walls of the world they know. It is then, however, that the leader of their land, the Old Man, appears with his army, determined to stop them.

Between 1990 and 1997, I wrote quarterly reviews for a gaming magazine. I majored in Literature at <some college> in Tokyo, studied for a year as an animator, and grew up in an entertainment-centric household as my parents founded <such and such entertainment publishing company>. My father still maintains an email list of several thousand fans, so I while I haven’t been published before, I will be able to utilize a slight amount of name recognition.

My appreciations,
<Sage Rat>

2

I have no comment on the OP. I’m just here to point out that 3 out of 4 of the Google ads are actually relevant to the thead topic.

We’re all about to die.

3

I get “Custom Tees in Snohomish.” No other ads.

I suspect that they’re mostly random or random within a certain subset that seem popular for the particular website. (Anti-Bush ads seemed popular for a while, even in threads about unrelated things.)

4

On my first reading, two things jumped out at me. First, some of the sentences are wordy and the level of vocabulary is fairly low. For instance, the first sentence: “Living in a world where adulthood brings a sort of insanity in which one ceases to be able to care about anything but glut and debauchery…” There are too many phrases and clauses piled up. Try to make it flow more directly. Consider breaking it up into two sentences. Likewise at the end of the first paragraph you have “which seemed ideal for someone who might be interested in representing the work.” You could shorten that to “which seemed an ideal match for this work.”

Second, your goal is to sell the manuscript by enphasizing its appeal. Put sentences up front telling what you think the strengths are. Don’t bother saying that it may not be successful as fantasy. You need to include the aspects that do offer a chance for success.

The second and third paragraphs are much better than the first, so I have no major suggestions there.

5

Congrats on finishing a novel and entering the querying stage. Is this for an agent or an editor? I’m just going to reply the way I would if this were posted on a writing forum, so if it’s a bit harsh, I come from a place of love.

Dear <Mr. Person>:

Living in a world where adulthood brings a sort of insanity in which one ceases to be able to care about anything but glut and debauchery, a group of children seek to escape to some better place and start life anew. (Lose the first sentence. It’s awkward and long, and it took me way too long to read it. Agents and editors will give up on a query if the very first sentence doesn’t tell them what they need to know and hold their attention.) A relatively short work (Lose it), The Children’s Epic comes in at about 74,000 words. While it contains some elements that could only be described as magic, I’m not certain whether it would be successful as fantasy, being rather bleak and having it’s primary concern being the underlying message over the events that unfold.(What? Why would you say this? Don’t shoot yourself in the foot! Also, this sentence is much too long and awkward again. It doesn’t matter what you think when it comes to marketing and success, that’s up to the publishers.) I suppose one could say that it’s closest to Heart of Darkness, but with more swashbuckling. (Generally, you shouldn’t compare your book to other books, but I think this is effective. You should mention that sooner). I took notice that you were interested in both fantasy writing as well as literary fiction, which seemed ideal for someone who might be interested in representing the work. (Where did you notice this? On their website? In Writer’s Market? Talking to their other authors? Looking at the sort of people they represent? Did they ask specifically for Fantasy? You should tailor your query to fit their current needs/requests.)

The story begins with the birth of our protagonist, Kesshi, and his first few years growing up–feeling the need to explore from his earliest days so that he must not endure watching his parents. (Watching his parents what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Also, you’ve told me nothing about Kesshi except he likes to explore. Lots of kids do). And so he meets his closest friends, Soan and Suji, the three of them becoming local celebrities among the other children through small missions and projects. (Awkward sentence. You should use concrete verbs). But after Soan is nearly sold to an adult for his personal use, Kesshi decides that they must leave and try to find some new place to live, where perhaps the adults’ curse will not effect them. (Curse?! There’s a curse?! Why wasn’t this mentioned before? Like, in the first sentence?) Together, they decide to gather as many other children as they are able, and begin a march for the walls of the world they know. It is then, however, that the leader of their land, the Old Man, appears with his army, determined to stop them. (Why? This paragraph needs to intrigue the agent, true, but you don’t intrigue an agent by raising a ton of questions. This is the most important paragraph in the query. It should probably be longer and much more specific.)

Between 1990 and 1997, I wrote quarterly reviews for a gaming magazine. (This doesn’t have anything to do with your novel. An agent won’t care.) I majored in Literature at <some college> in Tokyo, studied for a year as an animator, and grew up in an entertainment-centric household as my parents founded <such and such entertainment publishing company>. (Still has nothing to do with your novel.) My father still maintains an email list of several thousand fans, so I while I haven’t been published before, I will be able to utilize a slight amount of name recognition. (Probably won’t care too much about that, either.

My appreciations,
<Sage Rat>
If I were you, at this point, I’d dump the first and the third paragraphs and focus on making the second paragraph as good as you possibly can. Then focus on adding the intro.

6

Begin the letter by telling the intended reader who you are, what this letter is about, and why they should spend any time at all reading it. This advice holds good for just about any letter, to anyone, about anything. For example, if you intend to send this to a literary agent, start by saying who you are, that you believe they may want to represent you (possibly citing reasons), and that you are supplying a synopsis of your latest book for their consideration.

The subject of this sentence is the group of children. You might like to recast this sprawling sentence so that the reader gets to the " group of children" a little sooner. This makes it easier to understand. Two sentences would work better than one. Try something like this: ‘My story concerns a group of children who are disillusioned with their perception of adult life. They think adults live in an insane world and only care about glut and debauchery. For this reason, the children try to escape to a better place and start life anew’.

Where I come from (UK), ‘glut’ doesn’t make sense in this context, but maybe it’s just a usage I have never come across.

The first four words are redundant. Just tell the recipient the word count. He or she will know if they consider 74 thou to be ‘a relatively short work’.

A sprawling mess of a sentence. Your initial relative pronoun (“it”) is left dangling, as it does not refer to any noun that comes later in the same serpentine sentence. The “it” only works if the book itself is the subject of your second clause. “It’s” should be “its”. The repetition of “being” implies a limited vocabulary. “having it’s primary concern being” is nonsensical. What you mean is either “having its primary concern as…”, or “its primary concern being…”. It is hard at first to see how something can be both “underlying” and “over” at the same time, although I think a very careful reading of this sentence does yield sense eventually. “the underlying message over the events that unfold” does not make sense. You imply that ‘fantasy’ cannot be 'bleak, whereas it can be, and often is. You also imply that a book either has a strong plot or a strong message. A book can have both. Some would say a book should have both, and that the events should convey the message, rather than the two being considered as separate elements, one to be grafted on to the other.

I believe you mean to say something like this: 'My book does contain some elements that could be considered magical, but I do not consider it a work of ‘fantasy’ as such. The prevailing tone is rather more sombre than in most fantasy fiction. The book has a strong plot and a vibrant underlying theme of [whatever you consider your main theme or themes to be].

You may have your own reasons for comparing yourself to Joseph Conrad, but it’s really up to the recipient to form these judgments. In any event, I dare to suggest it’s a comparison from which you can only emerge badly, given that Conrad is widely acknowledged as one of the most notable literary geniuses of the twentieth century.

Unless you are trying to be either funny, crass or intentionally disrespectful to Conrad, I would delete this remark.

A convoluted way to say something simple. “I understand that you represent both fantasy and literary fiction, so I though you might consider acting as my agent”.

This is very opaque. It would make more sense and be easier to follow if you mentioned what it was he felt the need to explore (life? His village? The nearby forest? Spirituality? Fractional geometry? Magic? A nearby ant farm?) and what this has to do with watching his parents, and why he didn’t want to watch them.

The “and so” doesn’t refer to anything that has gone before, at least not very clearly.

You mean ‘affect’.

You can have as much name recognition as Coca-cola, but if you can’t craft a decent sentence, or look up the difference between 'affect and ‘effect’, it isn’t going to help.

7

As someone who has worked as an editor, here are some slight changes I made to your letter. Apologies if I made some inaccurate assumptions about the plot of your novel-- I mostly enhanced the vocabulary to a slight degree, which can make a much greater impact. Also, are you sending your whole manuscript, or just a sample? I would recommend sending a sample, part of the novel that you’re very proud of, or that you think represents yourself well as a writer.

I would also include a paragraph about what makes your novel different from what’s out there. What do you think it has that no one else has done? What makes it different than Lord of the Flies? Animal Farm? (From your description, I thought of those two books as having similar themes.) Also, what’s the overall feeling you want your readers to come away with? I don’t know if I’d use the word “bleak” to sell it. Does it go so far as to be a dystopia? “Dystopian” is a more compelling adjective than “bleak”.

Hope this is helpful!

I am writing to introduce my short novel, The Children’s Epic. It contains approximately 74,000 words. The genre falls somewhere on the darker end of the Fantasy spectrum as its plot involves, but does not revolve around, a bit of magic. I would compare many of my themes to those in Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, but with more “swashbuckling” and heroic action. I took notice that you are interested in both fantasy writing as well as literary fiction and, as my novel is a combination of the two, I hope that you will be interested in representing the work.

The Children’s Epic, a parable, looks at a world of debauched and gluttonous adulthood through the eyes of a child. The story begins with the birth of our protagonist, Kesshi, and his first few years growing up—he is a largely proactive character, feeling the need to explore from his earliest days so that he must not endure watching his parents, who represent a traditional institution of selfishness and misplaced moral priorities. He meets his soon-to-be closest friends, Soan and Suji, and the three of them become local celebrities among the other children through small missions of independence. After Soan is nearly sold into childhood slavery, Kesshi decides that they must leave and try to find a new place to live, one in which the adults’ curse will not affect them. Together, they decide to gather as many other children as they are able, and begin a march for the walls of the only world they know. It is then, however, that the leader of their land, the Old Man, appears with his army, determined to prevent their exodus.

Between 1990 and 1997, I wrote quarterly reviews for a gaming magazine. I majored in Literature at <some college> in Tokyo, studied for a year as an animator, and grew up in an entertainment-centric household as my parents founded <such and such entertainment publishing company>. My father still maintains an email list of several thousand fans, so I while I haven’t been published before, I will be able to utilize a slight amount of name recognition.

8

I would second this recommendation. I won’t add much to pepperlandgirl’s comments - she’s provided some really good feedback (also, I’ve read some of her published work and it’s very good - she knows what she’s talking about).

What I will add is that I also think your second paragraph is very good, but on the whole, the letter could be much tighter. Plus, I think using words like “utilize” where “use” would do sounds very corporate and takes away from the power of your words, which are often helped by simplicity. For example, saying “Utilizing a steak knife, she proceeded to continue in her initiative to kill the man; irregardless, her attempt was unsuccessful, necessitating that she flee” is a lot less powerful than, “She tried to kill the man with a steak knife but failed, so she ran for her life.” (Okay, it’s a flawed example, but you get my point.)

And while the name recognition might be important later on when you do get published, unless you’re related to a major celebrity or publisher (or even if you are), you should go on your work alone and mention your connections when the agent or publisher talks to you about marketing. Regardless of whether you’re demonstrating your understanding of the business, to mention who you know in the pitch letter sounds more like name-dropping than anything else, so you’d be better off avoiding it unless providing names of connections is something the publisher has specifically requested.

9

Isn’t the name-recognition important for the reverse reason: you don’t want to publish a work under a name that’s already taken? So a prospective publisher will need to come up with a pseudonym?

10

That’s not something anybody cares about during the query stage. That’s something that comes later, if it’s an issue at all.

:o :slight_smile: Thank you.

11

Rule number one: unless you have a track record of selling novels, never summarize your submission in a query letter

Rule number two: Never summarize your story in a query letter

Rule number three: only include relevant biographical information. Relevant biographical information is defined paid sales in the genre you’ve been submitting.

Rule number four: Don’t try to tell the editor how the book will sell. She knows better than you.

Rule number five: See rules number one and two.

The query letter, as written, will make the editor’s job very easy. She will read it and send the book back to you. It saves her the trouble of having to actually read the book. You do not want to do this.

Furthermore, no summary can really give a flavor of the book. It gives no hint to the editor whether you can actually write a story or not.

For a book editor, the query letter has one thing of importance: your return address. This allows them to contact you if they decide to buy the book. It also can be filed so they don’t lose the address. No query letter ever convinced an editor to buy a novel (unless the writer had sold successful novels to that editor in the past).

In your case, you’re making plenty of mistakes. You’re describing the plot. You’re telling the editor that you think the book will be ideal for him (that’s his decision). You’re comparing it to Heard of Darkness (editor’s thought: right. Another Joseph Conrad in my slush). Your biography gives no indication that you are capable of writing saleable fiction. Your parents didn’t write the book, and a 1000 people on a mailing list isn’t likely to impress.

Your cover letter should read:

That’s all you need (as long as you include a return address). The editor will be forced to read the novel (or the outline and sample chapters) before rejecting it – which is exactly what you want her to do.

Oh, and for fiction, it’s a cover letter, not a query letter. You must enclose the outline/synopsis and sample chapters with it. Without that, you’ll be rejected the day the editor gets the letter (or rather, the reader, whose job it is to recommend it to the editor). You do not query for fiction.

12

It is widely called a query letter, by writers, agents, and editors. That’s a ridiculous thing to nitpick over. And the only thing you must do is follow the submission guidelines. Some people want a query letter, and the first 5 pages of the MS. Some want a synop and the first 3 chapters (or 50 pages). Some want you to only query over email, and others want standard snail-mail submissions. And not all query letters go to editors. Why would you assume this one is? In fact, I think that’s a very strange assumption because of the vanishingly small number of publishers who accept unagented submissions.

Honestly, I’ve never heard or read anybody ever say not to include a short plot synopsis in the query letter. And that includes reading interviews and blogs and websites from agents and editors. Near as I can tell, it’s pretty standard.

13

No, it’s not. Not for fiction (nonfiction is different). And not to editors. Editors don’t read fiction queries; they read cover letters (or, to be precise, the automatically reject queries because they show the author hasn’t done his homework).

You do query an agent, but the OP asked for editors, and an agent’s query letter is different from what was attempted here.

And none want queries. Most will even make do without a cover letter. The standard is a synopsis/outline and sample chapters and no paying market is going to ask for less.

Because the OP says “editors.”

It doesn’t matter. No one wants to read read a paragraph in a letter. No one can really summarize a book in so little space – at least, not in a way that will make an editor want to buy it.

When I read the description here from the point of view of an editor, I would be asking: how well can this guy write? Where is it set? How does he handle description? Is there a love interest? Is it handled well? Is the Old Man an effective antagonist? What are the subplots? How does the plot get resolved? Is there the right amount of humor in it? How does the author handle dialog?

Now, are these questions (and others) answered in the summary? No. It is useless for making a decision and only hurts your chances.

If you’ve included the synopsis/outline and sample chapters, the summary saves the editor from having to actually read the novel. But the next guy, who says nothing about his book, will have the editor reading. And that’s your chance.

Well, all the editors I’ve met, worked with, and submitted to always has said you should never summarize the book in the cover letter.

14

The OP is asking for help from authors and editors, but there’s nothing indicating he plans to submit directly to an editor. Maybe he just wanted an editor to proof his query. Getting on his ass because he calls it a query letter doesn’t actually help him, or clarify the process. And getting on his ass because he writes a query letter that contains standard elements for agents is even less helpful–especially since that’s probably who he should approach first.

The editors I’ve met, worked with, and submitted to have never indicated they care one way or the other if a summary paragraph is included. In fact, I always introduce the title/word count/genre, segue into a summary paragraph, and conclude with some biographical information, and it’s never done me any harm. If the first page is in the top 1% of submissions, it won’t matter if he included the dreaded summary paragraph to the editor (or the screener). If the first page is not in the top 1%, it still won’t matter.

15

The letter is a query for a literary agent, yes. I didn’t mention hoping for agents to review it as I haven’t ever seen anyone admit to being one on the board.

16

That’s slightly different (this is why the difference between a query and a cover letter is an important distinction, BTW), but once again I would cut down on the summary and leave out the biographical information (which is totally irrelevant). On that basis, it should read:

Again, your background is irrelevant unless you’ve actually sold fiction, and anything more than a short tease allows the agent to reject you out of hand. Keep any summary to no more than a sentence, hitting the most intriguing point about the character or story.

In addition, by keeping it brief, you’re wasting less of the agent’s time. She will appreciate you getting to the point. That could translate into her deciding to read the full manuscript if she’s on the borderline.

No agent ever took a first-time author on because of the query letter, but many have rejected them because of them. The more you tell the agent, the more reasons you give him to reject you.