Critique my Teemings story:

I had so much fun writing this story.http://www.teemings.com/issue11/formal.html
that I am working on fixing up a story that I wrote about 5 years ago. I write because I love to write, but I guess having people read what I have written is cool too. Let me have any criticisms, suggestions for how to tell a story, or just give it up.
I would appreciate any help. Thanks