Critique my transfer application!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Due to forces beyond my control, I’m typing up an online application that’s due tomorrow.

Yes, after a year of bitching and moaning about my school, I’ve decided to take the first steps to transfer. I’m taking a vacation semester from Beloit while being enrolled in another school, ideally UW-Madison. If I like the other school enough, I’ll transfer.

This is my application to Madison. (Keep in mind it’s a rough draft, and I’m trying to write from the heart.) Please tell me how it sounds, and give me any pointers on what I could work in. The instructions given are "Please use this section to provide us with any additional information (such as your aspirations, work experience, creative talents, factors affecting your academic record, etc.) that you would like the admission committee to know. "

Grammar nitpicks are VERY welcome! :wink:

I spent my high school years working towards the promise of college. I took six AP classes, in English, history, and Latin, over the course of two years. I always sought the most difficult classes, not only for the thrill of the challenge, but also for the knowledge that I would be able to get into college, and have an easier time adjusting once I was there. Which isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy my classes; I especially love the subjects I took AP courses in, and would have done so anyway.
When it came time for me to apply to colleges, I only considered and applied to small, rural liberal arts colleges. I had spent my entire life living in tiny towns in suburban and rural settings, why should I change? I couldn’t even imagine myself attending a school with more than two thousand or so students. Nevertheless, I didn’t find a college that felt like it was for me.
I decided to attend Beloit College. At first the size and location of the school seemed perfectly natural, but as time wore on, I became more and more restless. Although I enjoyed my classes, I found something about the school atmosphere suffocating. There seemed to be limitations to my academic and creative ability at every turn. The library was so small and poorly stocked that doing any kind of research was frustrating. Even such a simple thing as eating dinner afforded one option – either I went to the one cafeteria, or I ordered a pizza, and it was always pizza.
Throughout the year, I was assigned several research papers and projects that, due to the constraints at Beloit, required a trip to one of the libraries at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. I discovered that I didn’t mind riding the bus or bumming a car ride into Madison, because I loved being there. The libraries always had exactly what I was looking for, and when I had everything I needed, I usually took a walk through the campus, or along the lakefront, or I visited the Elvejem Museum of Art. From reading the bulletins that were taped to bathroom walls and stapled to posts, I could see a student body that was amazingly diverse and that cared about each other, the city, and the world. The students I passed on the street were smiling, clutching their books to their chests, and walking quickly. It was easy to see how happy and enthusiastic they were.
I ate lunch at restaurants that served food from countries I’d never even heard of. One afternoon in Madison broadened my horizons more than two months in Beloit.
I had the final epiphany while in the Kohler Library, reading a book on traditional Maori carving. This was my second trip to Madison in three days. My art class had come up to see the artists’ books, during which we got the tour of several buildings on campus, and now I needed material for my anthropology paper. I began to wonder if I had been looking in the wrong sorts of places to get my higher education. Maybe I should have considered larger schools and state universities. Perhaps this school, the University of Wisconsin at Madison, was the perfect place for me, the college that “fit,” the one that had eluded me as a nervous high school senior.
So why am I only applying for one semester? I’m still that person who’s spent her entire life in small towns and small schools. I don’t know how life at a college as large as the University of Wisconsin, and a city as large as Madison, would affect me. The image of a class with one thousand other students worries me.
I need to know for sure. If I am accepted, I will take a vacation semester from Beloit College while attending the University of Wisconsin at Madison.
And oh yeah, any advice on the conclusion is welcome too.

2

Since you asked. I hope you don’t think I’m meddling to say this stuff. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it as you will.

  1. I think the theme of your paper is great, and will be very attractive to UWM, as it shows that you know what you want and expect to find it there. You will seem to be just the kind of student they want – one who will be successful.

  2. I would change the intro. It seems weak. Your essay starts off slow, but it’s great in the middle; I especially like your description of the students you saw in Madison and how excited they seemd, and how that excitement attracted you. But the introduction seems weak, and you’re not really making a point with it – were you taking AP classes to get into college or because you liked them?

Actually, now that I think about it more, that introductory part about HS doesn’t really add anything to the essay at all. It doesn’t seem to relate to the point you’re making, in that it doesn’t contribute to your distinction between the suffocation at Beloit and the opportunities at Madison. Maybe think about excising this section altogether, or honing it down to one sentence to lead off the essay characterizing your HS experience, if you feel you want something like that to set up the part about deciding where to apply.

  1. As far as the conclusion – I think you backed off a little too much in the wanting-to-go-to-Madison at the end. They’re reading along, nodding their heads, going yeah, let’s get this student to come here, and then you go “I don’t know how life at a college as large as the University of Wisconsin, and a city as large as Madison, would affect me.” There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, I’m just not sure that’s the front you want to put forward to the admissions dept. at Madison. I’d show a little more confidence, less reservation about changing schools. At least I’d phrase it differently, perhaps something along the lines of ‘I’m only applying for one semester at this point because I want to ensure that I am as ready for city life as I feel I am.’ Maybe not exactly those words, but the idea I’m trying to get across is to phrase the concept in a positive way rather than a negative one. Express your strengths, not your weakness, right. Or, another way, put it in terms of making a smooth transition as opposed to like a trial period. Give them the idea that you want to be there, and they’ll want you to be there.

  2. Grammar nitpicks – too many commas in the opening paragraph. I’d eliminate the one after ‘I took 6 AP classes’ and the one after ‘Latin’ so that sentence reads more smoothly and not like a list. The sentence after that has 3 distinct clauses separated by commas, and it seems too long, and the last clause seems awkward because it’s kind of tagged on to the sentence. I’d rework that one – what comes to my mind is combining the first two parts into something like… ‘I was thrilled by the challenge of taking difficult classes, and I was encouraged by the thought that they would make it easier for me to get into college and adjust to that lifestyle.’ Just as an example.

The rest of the essay gets a lot better – it is also clear that you are writing from the heart, and I think it’s very powerful.

  1. One more particular example of a run-on: “The libraries always had exactly what I was looking for, and when I had everything I needed, I usually took a walk through the campus, or along the lakefront, or I visited the Elvejem Museum of Art.” This is compounded by the fact that it follows another pretty long sentence. I can’t figure out how to say this in a non-pedantic manner, so I’ll just apologize for sounding that way and say it. Sorry if this sounds pedantic, but an important thing to remember when writing essays is to vary sentence length. It makes the essay flow better, and it keeps the reader much more involved in what they are reading. I’d look for places where you can change commas to periods or restructure sentences so that they scan better. Here I would just make ‘The libraries always had exactly what I was looking for’ a complete sentence in itself. An added advantage of this is that it’s a very positive idea, so making it a short, punchy statement in between the two longer descriptive sentences about your trips to Madison really brings home the point you’re trying to make.
    Good essay. Again, please don’t think I’m being critical or something, I’ve done a lot of tutoring and essay assistance in my time, and sometimes I just can’t avoid coming off sounding that way.

Good luck with this. Oh, and by the way, I’ve had a couple friends go to Madison and they’ve all really liked it and had nothing but good things to say about it. Hope you find what you’re looking for.

3

This is going to be a bit swift and brutal, but as it’s due tomorrow I don’t have time to nice around and be flowery and such. So here goes:

Things I would take out are ed. Things I would add are [ed]. Places where I can’t think of an appropriate change are windly marked. I think it’ll make sense.

I spent my high school years working towards the promise of college. I took six AP classes*,* in English, history, and Latin, over the course of two years. I always sought the most difficult classes, not only for the thrill of the challenge*,* but also for the knowledge that I would be able to get into college and have an easier time adjusting once I was there. Which [That] isn?t to say I didn?t enjoy my classes; I especially love the subjects I took AP courses in [English, history and Latin], and would have done so anyway [taken AP classes for the fun of it [[[[[[or something]]]]]].
When it came time for me to apply to colleges, I only considered and applied to small, rural liberal arts colleges. I had spent my entire life living in tiny towns in suburban and rural settings*,[;] why should I change? I couldn?t even imagine myself attending a school with more than two [a few] thousand or so students. Nevertheless, I didn?t find a college that felt like it was for me[home].
[[[[Need more background here]]]]I decided to attend Beloit College. At first the size and location of the school seemed perfectly natural [like a perfect fit [[[[[or something]]]]]], but as time wore [went] on, I became more and more restless. Although I enjoyed my classes, I found something about the school atmosphere suffocating. There seemed to be limitations to my academic and creative ability at every turn. The library was so small and poorly stocked that doing any kind of research was frustrating. Even such a simple thing as eating dinner afforded one [only two] option[s] ? either I went to the one cafeteria, or I ordered a pizza, and it was always pizza*.
Throughout the year, I was assigned several research papers and projects that, due to the constraints at Beloit, required a trip to one of the libraries at the University of Wisconsin at Madison. I discovered that I didn?t mind riding the bus or bumming a car ride into Madison, because I loved being there. The libraries always had exactly what I was looking for, and when I had everything I needed, I usually took a walk through the campus, or along the lakefront, or I visited the Elvejem Museum of Art. From reading the bulletins that were taped to bathroom walls and stapled to posts, I could see a student body that was amazingly diverse and that cared about each other, the city, and the world. The students I passed on the street were smiling, clutching their books to their chests, and walking quickly. It was easy to see how happy and enthusiastic they were.
I ate lunch at restaurants that served food from countries I?d never even heard of. One afternoon in Madison broadened my horizons more than two months in Beloit.
I had the final epiphany while in the Kohler Library, reading a book on traditional Maori carving. This was my second trip to Madison in three days. My art class had come up to see the artists? books, during which we got the tour of several buildings on campus, and now I needed material for my anthropology paper. I began to wonder if I had been looking in the wrong sorts of places to get my higher education. Maybe I should have considered larger schools and state universities. Perhaps this school, the University of Wisconsin at Madison, was the perfect place for me, the college that ?fit’, the one that had eluded me as a nervous high school senior.
So why am I only applying for one semester? I?m still that person who?s spent her entire life in small towns and small schools. I don?t know how life at a college as large as the University of Wisconsin, and a city as large as Madison, would affect me. The image of a class with one thousand other students worries me.
I need to know for sure [if my interest in UWM is more than just an academic fling]. If I am accepted, I will take a vacation semester from Beloit College while attending [eagerly take the opportunity to try to figure out if The University of Wisconsin at Madison is the right place for me
.]

Sorry I couldn’t do a better job on it…I’m out of practice. And sorry I can’t explain the changes to you given the time frame; I trust you have the wherewithall to understand them. And if not, please do ask:) Changes are one thing; understanding them are much more important.

4

'punha, White Lightning, thanks so much. It really is appreciated.

-off to edit.

5

Still having problems with the conclusion. Something about it sounds… off, particularly the last sentence.

I discovered that UWM, at this point, probably doesn’t give a damn that I may only spend a semester there, so I cut off everything after “nervous high school senior.” It made the essay about ten times stronger right there. :slight_smile:

Here’s my last paragraph:

6

Yeah, it’s kind of a cheesy ending. And it feels abrupt because there used to be a whole other piece at the end. Then again, sometimes cheese is the right way to go with stuff like this.
Weird. I was just checking back on the boards to check up on another thread, saw you had posted here, and I came in to say you should let us know if you have any other problems, and when I got the reply window up, you had posted again. Good timing.

I dunno. I’m kinda out of ideas. Can’t come up with anything good. Make it an audio essay and just submit that U2 song. Or… the Cars. Cuz UWM is just what you needed. Or close it out with “Your mom, sucka!”
I have the feeling my first post was more useful than this one’s gonna be.

7

I went ahead and submitted anyway.

The whole essay’s in, and it’s complete. I have to get an official transcript from my school tomorrow, and call UWM admissions and apologize for not having the transcript in sooner.

Again, thank you two so much for your help.

I’m worried about this transcript - Beloit is hard-wired to prevent kids from leaving, and they do really insane things to keep us. (For a couple of examples, read this.) I’m half expecting the registrar to screw with my transcript. When I go in, I’ll have to emphasize that I am NOT TRANSFERRING (not yet! :p)

Should I ask them to give it to me, or can I trust them to mail it?

8

It was my pleasure.

I think, barring some bizarre kind of sabotage from Beloit, that you should be golden. That is weird btw, I looked at the story you linked on your livejournal. But at least the lady at the health center came clean about it, right? Otherwise you’d never have known.

9

Yep.

Creeped me out, because I figured “She’s the secretary from the health center! What bearing could she have on whether or not a student decides to leave?”

But I figure she probably sees a lot of stressed out and depressed students. It is rather unsettling that she’s supposed to convince them to stay, though.

10

Well, I’ve never met a secretary of a health center at a small, cloistered liberal arts school that didn’t totally creep me out.

Although, if I’m allowed to count the one at your school, I’ve met two. I mean, any woman whose career at 50 consists almost entirely of restocking the gigantic bowl of free condoms and admonishing giggling freshmen not to take more than 2… You just know there’s gotta be something strange going on there.

The whole notion of private university as business is unsettling to me. I mean, what’s the product? The fact that it’s not necessarily ‘education’ sort of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Hard to convince myself that they’re not just in business to sell diplomas.