I have always used it for things that are inconsequential. The other meaning makes no sense to me. If it’s something that matters, then you need to feel bad, as that’s the first step in making sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s what motivates you to try and stop it from happening again.
But even if I take it the other way, since that seems to be the actual meaning, it still seems to be a crappy thing to say to anyone. You’re still telling them that they should stop being upset because it’s pointless. And when in the history of the world has that every helped? “I’m so sad.” “Don’t be sad. It won’t help.” “Okay, thanks!”–that’s a comedy bit.
Maybe if it’s used the way “It is what it is” tends to be used, as something you tell yourself, I can get behind it.
I’ve always thought it was a little bit of both, it’s inconsequential and it’s done, so let’s move on. It would seem very odd to me to use this expression in a very serious context, like a death, which is the ultimate “no going back” situation. It would also be weird if someone used to refer to something that was easily fixable.
Originally the saying “There’s no use crying over spilt milk” meant that you should step to the side of spilled milk when you cry so your tears don’t get in it. Since that definition was useless the saying quickly changed to “There’s no use saying there’s no use crying over spilled milk”. Over time the saying was shortened to it’s current form which means that there’s no use in doing anything when you spill milk, unless you don’t have a cat or dog, in which case you should clean it up. Anyway, I think that’s what I heard somewhere maybe.
It’s both. It’s like saying “there’s no point in crying over something in the past”, BUT it’s also only appropriate to use in relatively minor situations.
If my wife was killed in a car accident and someone told me “don’t cry over spilt milk”, that would be a horrible thing to say.
It’s both. It’s like saying “there’s no point in crying over something in the past”, BUT it’s also only appropriate to use in relatively minor situations.
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I would say it’s potentially both, but primarily and directly, to move on, it is only indirectly related as it’s not so bad as to stop one from moving on.
Taking it as something so minor that it’s not worth crying over seems like the view my ex-wife would take, which would inevitably get us into a argument based on the different definitions. If I said to her ‘no use crying over spilled milk’, a typical thing for her to say is how I can be so dismissive of her feelings, she thinking that I am diminishing the issue calling it minor and dismissing her feelings, when I am really saying lets mitigate the problem by cleaning the milk up (working on it, including the feeling), and finding another source of milk.
I do wonder how the genders would divide on these definitions in a poll.
I use “no use crying over spilled milk” closer to the way you do - the bad thing happened. The situation is unfixable. Tears and regrets are not going to fix the situation. To me, it also implies to me that something needs to be done (e.g., getting a mop).
I think I use “it is what it is” differently, though. It’s very much about the current state of the situation. That thing could be undone, but right now we’re in this place. Spilled apples would fall into “it is what it is” for me.
(Do Americans use the “spilt” spelling for anything accept this phrase? I don’t think I do, but “spilled” just seems wrong in this context.)
And yes, I agree one wouldn’t say it in response to a death. That’s far too serious for the phrase. But I have heard people use it over, say, a terminal diagnosis, as a tension breaker and way to move the conversation to another topic.
It’s too short of a phrase for me the way the OP used it, the way my parents always used it in TX, anyway, was, “there is no sense crying over spilled milk.” Which was always something they perceived of as inconsequential. Interesting, people’s different perceptions.
I don’t know what to tell you; I’m saying that there are some situations that are too serious to apply “spilt milk” to. If you want to disagree, feel free to say so.
Definitely not inconsequential. When I was a kid, if you spilled your milk, you didn’t get anymore. Crying didn’t help. So, to me, the phrase, “there is no use crying over spilled milk” applied to a situation where was no point in crying and making a bad situation worse (by annoying everyone with your crying). Just get your glass of water and finish your meal.