In my 20-some years of marriage, nearly all of our worst fights have followed a similar pattern as follows.
Something happens resulting in a minor disagreement.
One or the other probably apologizes or explains, or at least the disagreement passes.
Some time passes - it could be minutes, hours, or days.
The wife says: “We need to talk about what happened.”
Husband says: "No we don’t. We talked about it then, and it is over."
Wife: “But we need to talk about your feelings.”
Husband: "No we don’t."
W: “It must still bother you, or else you wouldn’t still be so angry.”
H: "I’m not angry."
W: “Yes you are. Listen to the tone of your voice.”
H: "I’m angry NOW, because you insist on discussing this."
And so it escalates until things are said and done that cannot be taken back and that are long regretted.
While golfing the other day, one guy said something and it soon became obvious that that pattern held true for all 4 married guys in the foursome.
Later on that same round, 2 of the guys got into a dustup. The next hole they apologized to each other and it was over. Believe me, neither of them are going to bring it up next time we golf to discuss how they feel about ancient history.
So what’s the deal, ladies? Why do you insist on returning to past history, when from the guy’s perspective your actions are tantamount to picking an argument? Heck, it’s almost as tho we are from different planets …
I’m a woman, and the experience you describe makes me feel like I’m having an asthma attack in a stuck elevator with no ventilator. I am way too busy to sit around bullshitting about feelings. (Not too busy to spend hours pontificating on the SDMB, however.)
“Yes, dear. You’re absolutely right. I was wrong. I’ll never do it again.”
Get through the above line without laughing, and you’re ready for marriage.
Feelings: tell your wife you were mad at the time, but you’ve had time to think about it, and you’re over it. If she insists, it’s because SHE’S still mad.
Might end the initial squabble, but does nothing to prevent it from rearing its ugly head when you least expect it. Meanwhile, the unsuspecting dolt thinks everything is fine and dandy, magnifying the effect when he gets blindsided with an argument he though ended days ago.
And apologies to the sane women out there. More accurately I should have said a whole lotta women act this way that no man I have ever encountered has.
My first wife did this shit. The new and improved Mrs. Garrett is too kind and too much of a thinker to get into the “feelings” bullshit. She laughs at those who do.
Mom has been known to be angry at something 12 years after the fact. Dad was the one who would say “we have to talk” but not actually drop The Speech From Hell on you until several days later (and you were not allowed to interrupt at any time, no defense was acceptable, and by the time he said “do you have anything to say?” all you wanted to do was die).
My mom is a therapist (the mental kind ) and she was ALWAYS asking me about my feelings, so finally I learned to just make some feelings up.
which was the advice I was going to give (not, I suppose what you asked for, you wanted to know why women do this, can’t help with that)
but then I went back and reread your post
She says she wants to talk about it. You cut her off. How would you feel if there was something you felt like the two of you needed to discuss (like about she needs to stop grinding the gears of the car or something) and she said “No! We don’t need to discuss it!”
Maybe if after the first line you opened up the conversation instead of closing it off, you might be able to bring the conversation to a quicker, tidier conclusion.
I can think of a lot of ways to answer:
“We need to talk about what happened”
Don’t try
“So talk!”
“What happened?”
“No! We don’t!”
Try
“How are you feeling about it?”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I was a real jerk”
I can’t speak for your wife or any other woman, just myself, but with me it isn’t that I feel I need to rehash your feelings over and over, it is that I didn’t discuss anything with you at the time and now I need to talk to you about it and make sure we both understand what happened. When I get really angry or depressed or something I don’t want to talk about it right at that moment because if I do it is going to just escalate the emotions until you hear, “Well, since you are so fucking smart you can just figure out a way for you and your tiny penis to get comfortable on the couch tonight!” No one wants that kind of thing to happen, so I get angry for a little bit and then I let it go for at least 24 hours. At that point, if I feel like I was justified in getting angry and it wasn’t me overreacting then I will try to talk to you about it. If I bring it up to talk to you about it and you just keep saying, “I’m fine, I don’t want to talk about it.” that makes me feel like you are dismissive of my need to discuss the problem.
But if your wife insists on talking about it for hours when she first gets angry and then talking about it again and again and again for the next few weeks it is probably that she feels nervous that you may not actually feel like anything was resolved and that you are building anger and resentment towards her. If she does feel this way, any little thing you do that is out of the norm will feel like an attack against her. “He didn’t take the garbage out today, but he always takes the garbage out on Tuesday! He is still mad at me! Why won’t he talk to me about it?” If she is this kind of person, the best thing you can do to reassure her that you are not still mad is to be very clear about your emotions for the next few days after a fight. If you are really tired or ticked off because they bumped monday night football for a desperate housewives marathon or whatever, tell her that and make sure she knows that it has nothing to do with her. After a couple of days of very clear communication she should be able to see that it is not something you are storing in a mental database of things to stew about.
) and she was ALWAYS asking me about my feelings, so finally I learned to just make some feelings up.