I am in a highly adversarial, often high-pressure profession where I long ago learned that I did not have the luxury of crying everytime I got angry or upset or hurt. I’ve been called names to my face, been embarassed (through my own inexperience), had shouting matches with irate opponents, and lost cases I believed in and had devoted extensive time to. And I cry over none of it, because crying would make me seem weak before people who either expect me to be strong (my clients) or would exploit my weakness (my opponents). The bottom line? I’ve become so good at suppressing my feelings that I have trouble crying at all, even at home, even over things that really merit a good cry. I wish I cried more easily, because I think it would be healthier. It’s not that I don’t feel, it’s just that I don’t cry.
I’ve been wondering why I replied to this thread. The whole “men can’t cry” thing is not a big issue with me.
It was over an hour before it dawned on me that my grandmother and uncle died this weekend. (No sympathy please, I hardly knew either of them – they live on the other side of the world)
But still, how emotionally repressed is that?
Great topic, Canthearya. I’ve wondered about this, especially since I got booted upstairs into administration. A former boss, a great guy and a GREAT boss, just got put through wringers, and I sometimes wondered if he ever just went out to the car and lost it.
Unfortunately, I’m like Jodih. (Wait, that didn’t come out right…) I can’t cry at work, but a few times it’s been a real battle. But FWIW, we DO have a little cot room at work for staff. It’s a place to catch a little rest, or let the tears come if needs be. Very civilized.
I’ve only cried once at work. Two of my friends were on a plane that crashed; remember the flight that crashed in Iowa, where the plane tumbled and exploded in a fireball? We’d heard (and seen) the news about the crash, but then came the phone call that my friends were on the flight. One died but one lived–miraculously enough. It just blindsided me, but people were very understanding and supportive.
Veb
I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I even cry when I’m asleep… I can hardly see this post from the tears…
There now I feel better…
About two weeks ago, I get this message to call my mom. So I try to reach her at her office, and her friend, who picks up the phone, sounds utterly amazed to hear me sounding so perky. She evidently thought I already knew what was going on, and when she realized I didn’t, broke the news herself: our much loved dog, Johanna, my mom’s pride and joy for nearly 7 years, had just been hit by a car and killed.
I think the pet lovers here will identify with this one… I started shaking so hard I could barely type. Loved that dog. Eventually composed myself, got in touch with Mom, was as supportive as I could be, and thought I was doing ok. Went downstairs to my BF’s office, which is in a semi-public area, to tell him. As soon as the words “Somebody killed my mom’s dog” left my mouth, I just lost it. He was great, just let me cry until it passed… but of course, as I’m recovering some composure, my thesis project advisor walks in, takes one look at me, and walks back out in a hurry.
I e-mailed her later, because I kind of didn’t want her to think I was a total freak, and explained what had happened. She wrote back, offering condolences and telling me that she herself has a dog she loves more than any other living thing, possibly including her husband.
I think a lot of people are willing to cut you some slack when they know why you’re so upset, especially if you have a pretty solid professional reputation to begin with.
Goodness, I used to cry all the time at my old job, and I’ve done it once or twice at my new job, too, although I think after six months I’m finally past that point. When my grandfather was dying the year before last, I cried for a week. Literally. I started wondering if my contacts were going to dissolve.
When I was in college I used to hear my next door neighbor sobbing through the wall. I didn’t know her, but I remember how awkward and helpless I felt listening to her. I don’t really care what other people think of me, but I hate the idea of making them feel that uncomfortable.
When I got my first traffic ticket I cried and the cop said, “Isn’t that a little much?” I was nineteen, I’d had my car for two weeks, and I didn’t even understand why he’d pulled me over (“improper lane change”–he was really ticketing me because he thought I was cruising, but that’s not illegal). So, in retrospect, I think I had every right to cry, and that’s generally the way I try to look at it. If I’m crying it’s because there’s a good reason to cry, and if other people don’t understand that’s their problem.
My, look how much I’ve written. Okay, the newbie will shut up now. 
Doncha dare shut up! Speak often and openly, because what you said is valuable. I’d forgotten {mental whiplash} how godawful some stresses are. Sheesh, the trauma of the “accident/ticket/law” thing, etc. Traumas and stresses are so individual…
Good on ya for saying what you did.
Veb
I hate to cry. I admit that I have cried at work on a couple of occasions. It’s not so much that I was upset but rather that I got very angry. I’m one of those people that starts to shake and then I cry because I’m so mad.
Now the last time I did cry was a work. My husband had gone to the doctor and they had given him a prescription we couldn’t get filled. I called the doctor’s office and the nurse yelled at me. It was so upsetting to me that I left work about 45 minutes early. Then on the way home I thought of all the way I could kill the woman. By the time I got home I felt much better. LOL
I’m not the type who gets that frustrated that easily, but I have come very close to crying on the job several times. Luckily, I had a job that required me to work outdoors and away from people, so nobody had to see it. All in all, I think I’d rather have to cry from frustration at work, where people know you and understand what you’re going through, then, say, get told something extremely upsetting in a busy restaurant, surrounded by strangers, and start crying there, which has also happened to me. Now that I’m in school, it still happens. Just a few weeks ago, I got a big test back, with a big F on it, and I felt a few tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. Fortunately, I managed to fight them down before I made a spectacle of myself. I can’t promise I will be so lucky when my semester grades for that class arrive, but at least I’ll be ready…
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Canthearya}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}you’ll get the way things move in rhythm, I’m sure it is frustrating, I hope they are being patient with you.
In response, I’m afraid the kind of childhood that I experienced makes crying difficult for me. On the other hand. My husband cries at the drop of a hat. He doesn’t do it at work, I think he saves it up for here at home.
I think I’d rather cry easier, than feeling all constricted inside. I get horrible headaches, backaches, that kind of thing. You’ve obviously got a soft, gentle heart and you’re hard on yourself too.
I hope things get better for you soon.
When I was a waitress at Pizza Hut all my co-workers (including the manager) actually managed to back me into a corner, crying, to where I was sitting on the floor, curled up, in the corner, bawling my eyes out. They were attacking me VERY meanly for being a vegetarian. (and you wonder why I’m sensitive about it?)
Also, when I worked as a telemarketer I cried a few times because I hated my job so much.
And when I was a topless dancer and had to work in the evening when my cat that I’d had since childhood had just died in my arms that day… well I cried several times.
“even cry when I’m asleep… I can hardly see this post from the tears…”
Although I’m a teensy bit slow and I can’t tell if you were being serious or not, crying while sleeping sucks. Particularly the waking up all red-faced and stuffed up… what a way to start the day.
For the record, even though I’m still a high school student (gasp! I’m a newbie AND a little kid! g) I suppose I could get away with saying that’s my job & I do regularly burst into tears there for stupid reasons [not understanding something, friends that decide to cut when I need someone to talk to, the fact that my ex seems to get off on the joy of making out with his girlfriend in front of me every chance he gets… sigh]
Alright. I’m done whining now. Sorry g
Cry at work?
I once had my (male) boss accuse me of being “hysterical” because I started crying at my desk. I was under so much stress from trying to plan my wedding and find an apartment that I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Luckily my supervisor stuck up for me and reamed him out. My office is 80% female and can be a very tight support group when need be.
I just hate that I can’t get angry without crying. Makes it very hard to talk things out with my husband sometimes.
Chrisbar
Anti Pro you are such a sweetheart. Your post made my day.
I had a screaming match with a printer…
“Is she crying?
There’s no crying in baseball!
There’s no crying in baseball.” – Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own
An apt quote for today’s workplace.
I was going to call all of you a bunch of pantywaists, but I must be emotionally repressed or something.
[ramble]
I’ve never cried at work…ok, I did tear up once but that was out of total frustration realizing that of a company of 100 employees every there barely knew their own jobs and hadn’t one friggin’ clue of what any other department ( or the person next to them did for that matter) and I was 6 months into the job and had a difficult problem (that was my departments name) that I wasn’t sure of how to resolve and my supervisor ( one of the two smartest people in the company) was on vacation and the other smart person was at lunch and I just wanted to work with competant people. ( Having come from a previous job with tons of competance (excellent at their jobs, incompetant in every other aspect.), it was:A slap in the face with a dead fish as welcome into Dilbert’s world. ( If I had stayed there I would have ended up as one of the Pointy Haired Bosses for sure.)[/ramble]
[point]
FTR, I’ve had only one unscheduled cry in my life: when I couldn’t find my father’s grave at the cemetary.[/point]
[Cue Mental Tumbleweeds]
After working at the above job and having no one to talk to all day, every day five days a week ( The complaint department is like an AIDS & Leprosy Ward in one.) and then coming home to an empty house and going to bed and waking up alone because Hubby was working so much that I DID NOT SEE HIM for nearly six months at a stretch (except the runs down to the inlaws house for the obligatory Sunday dinners that were punishment for me and I still really didn’t even talk to him there because of him conversing with his dad) I had to force myself to get some of the frustration out and cry. It didn’t help. That was the lonliest stretch of my life.[/end tumbleweeds]
The crying jag after my son was born was all hormones. Didn’t even cry after my daughter was born.
[massive blathering]
Although, I’ve decided that there is something seriously wrong with me. I don’t cry at sad movies or the like, ( hell, when I was a front row witness to nearly seeing my dog get her body creemed by a speeding car on my road, I did freeze up inside because I was too far away to do anything, but I didn’t cry. In fact, hubby (a witness to her near death as well) agreed with me, “well, if she bit the big one, she’d be the last dog we would ever have.”
I do, however, tear up at the most ridiculous things: Like anyone (except Amercians) winning a Gold Medal in Any sport. It could be some guy from Malayasia winning for badmiton and all I can think of is: ::sniff::: He’s the best at his sport in the world, he’s acheived a life goal and he’s winning a Gold Medal. He’s gonna be a GOD back home in Podunk.::sniff:::
BUT when an American Wins, all I can think of is: Well, they will get a nice commercial endorsement from Nike or Wheaties.
[/blathering]
In response to why women cry more than men: society. Men are looked down upon for crying, which sucks for guys like me who are emotional (I cry all the time). Its embarrassing sometimes, like once I got into a fight with one of my best friends and I ended up bawling… right in my college dorm room w/open door. But hey, thats the way I am… its not like I can help it.
My point is that I totally understand why people cry when stressed. My usual reaction is the hitting the desk, smacking my monitor thing, but when people are involved (esp people I care about), crying becomes an option.
I have never cried at work, but I have come close. Mostly it happens during fights with friends or esp. my S.O.
-S
Ok, maybe I can clarify things here. For me, crying is not an option. I don’t have any control over when or where I cry or what it is about. I don’t have any choice. When my eyes tear up, then that’s it! For those of you that can’t cry, think of the exact opposite. I can’t not cry. I can’t be a little sad at a movie, or about a pet or friend, or a little stressed out, or upset with a co-worker. Anytime I get a little sad or mad(not angry - mad)then I cry. My husband doesn’t like taking me to movies 'cause I cry. I can’t go to certain movies 'cause I’ll end up sobbing as if my parents had just died. (tearing hair, ashes, sack cloth - that type of sobbing). My daughter doesn’t want me to be around when she’s singing with the choir, 'cause I cry. It is not a matter of choice. /end rant/
I have seen two men very close to me crying. I think that I’ve seen men cry three times in my life. I do not think any less of these men for crying. I might not know how to console them, but I think that men have the right to cry too. I would rather see a man cry at home or in private than not see him respond at all to certain things.
It seems I rarely cry. While my father was dying, and during his funeral, I couldn’t shed a tear. But when my depression was at it’s worst, the consoling words of a friends could make the tears flow. I agree with anti-pro, supressing tears can cause me all sorts of headaches. there are many times when I just wish I could cry and I can’t. And I don’t understand why I didn’t cry at my father’s death, but when I had to put my 14 year old dog to sleep I sobbed in the vet’s arms.
StG