So youve sourced the nicest rack of lamb you can find and everything is going swimingly.
You didnt drink the night before because this dinner party has got has got to be right.
Youve got all your prep done and everything starts to come together as people start to arrive.
Then the phone call.
Telling you that your friend’s new boyfirend (the opium addict with the pierced dick) has decided that he is now a lactose intolerant vegan.
Youve got half an hour and next to nothing in the fridge.
Okay, did he just now decide he was a lacto intolerant vegan? Because in that case I’m sure he would have been happy with the air souffle with a side of I don’t give a fuck.
Yeah it was just his latest fad.
I wouldnt mind but after dinner he tucked into the Pula (really sweet and buttery pastry treats) like a man possesed. …AND he showed up in a leather jacket too.
I like the guy and all but c’mon…
My friend (his GF) was an enzyme lacking Phillipina who drank too much (in fairness only a couple of beers) and proceeded to throw up my beautiful meal just before becoming hysterical.
I forgot to say that I don’t give a fuck is pronounced:
[Chris Tucker]I don’t give a fuuuuuuckkkkkk[/Chris Tucker]
At any rate it sounds like you had a much more exciting night than I did, and you know how I feel about being bored…
And in seriousness, I would have probably just thrown together some pasta and froz. vegs and made something like pasta primavera sans dairy. No biggie, but then again I keep enough food for 3 armies in my pantry.
Some kind of beans and rice with tofu or whatever. Ditto on the frozen veggies.
Or
Gee, sorry, you should have told me that a week ago. Since it’s the night of the party, I’m afraid he’ll just have to starve his freaky a** self. Putz!
Oh and he doesnt smoke and gits uppity when others do…
The guy does OPIUM for Christsakes…
(I didnt know you could even get that anymore)
Anyhow I had a quick run through larder and wound up with some very simple veg ratatouille on half and half garlic/cinnamon bread (loads of oil) with some egg free noodles in a specically invented coconut milk broth.
This wasnt last night Tater… last night I was too busy not hanging out with Twisty and the others (Damn again). I saw the vegan thread and your talk of salmon has me in a very foodie mood for now.
I though I had picky friends till I imagined cooking for the dopers.
With the various neurosis,egos,complexes,conspiracy theorists,evil overlords,pond slime and everything else on this board you’re asking me to come up with a meal that will satisfy everyone.
Mmmm…A Challenge has been issued.
Let me think about this.
Damhna kicks a rat out of the way as he scutters twoards the pantry mumbling to himself about fennel oil and sundried apricots.
(and if any Dublin Doper dares make a comment about scuttering that isnt a Red Dwarf reference rest assured the meal might just have a hint of your particular flavour )
Lactose Intolerant might mean that normal pasta is out. Perhaps a nice Soy based pasta with strained beet juice in the water, for coloring. Then a lovely pesto sauce tossed over it. A delicious Waldorf salad with freshly broken walnut meat tossed over roughly torn endive and a selection of thinly sliced cukes and radishes.
For a drink, Rice Dream drink frothed into a delicious shake with ice cubes, 1/2 banana and 1/4 Teaspoon of Vanilla Extract. Powder lightly with cinnamon. Garnish with lime wedges.
God damn, I have to stop shooting jobs for Martha Stewart, it’s rubbing off. :rolleyes:
Seriously? It sounds like you suffered your guests’ sudden infantile shift in lifestyle with great aplomb. Send the girlfriend the bill for dry-cleaning the carpeting.
Ah but you see Tater…everyone would have been polite to you…
…They will want to move in with me once I’m through with their palates.
I was going to try for something humourous to match food items to individual personalities but now my reputation is at stake.
Im going to rob some of the ideas Conrad Gallagher used when I worked for him and i’ve also got this little langoustine rissotto thing that has actually gotten me laid more than once.
So the ultimate meal.
I think I need to know more about my guests first.
Anyone who wants in sign up now and give a little information about yourselves. Cooking without knowing the people your putting a meal in front of is a little like pleasuring yourself (foodstuffs optional)
Im thinking Moules Marniere with thoose little pommes frites that only eric at La Mere Zou on stephens green can make. Ah… a dublin Mussel nothing quite like the flavouring that Selafield Nuclear power plant can give a good mussel.
The Waldorf suggestion is welcome and I find the rest inovative. I prefer a proper nicoise however.
Where did I put that goat?
But what is cooking for oneself? am I supposed to Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
I’ll see your fancy-schmancy Moules Marniere and langoustine risotto, and raise you White Trash Dip!
And FTR, nobody was polite to me in Dublin…it seemed to be take the piss out of tater (that’s what you call it, no?) weekend in Ireland that week. You’d think a girl named tater would have it made in Ireland, but sadly that was not the case.
So, I have to conclude that the love for the food was genuine and not motivated by any fondness for me.
So, PaddyMan when are we going to have this cook-off?
If he really is a vegan, he wouldn’t have eaten something with butter in it.
And as for making him pasta, that should be out, too, since pasta has eggs in it, unless you just happened to have egg-free pasta on hand.
And the leather jacket…pet peeve of mine…vegetarians and vegans who feel free to criticize others for eating meat, while they are wearing leather.
And those who talk about the health aspects of the vegan lifestyle, while smoking pot, doing drugs or drinking heavily.
Yeah, right.
A leather jacketed genitally peirced opium addicted vegan? And his spewing hysterical Pilipina girlfriend?
Talk about a dog and pony show for the other attendees! Did you make sure to pay these people for showing up?
[sarcasm]
Man, I really have to spruce up my guest list. Why, just the sheer entertainment value alone, think of it.
[/sarcasm]
Stuffed bell peppers with rice, mushrooms and herbs are always an easy out for the vegan set.
A Hopping John of rice and red beans would be another quick dish that comes to mind.
Then again something with poppy seeds might have been more appropriate.
I’ll also sign up for your virtual doper’s dinner if me being in the USA isn’t a crimp on things.
Man, there is NO WAY I would have cooked anything for that guy. I’m always good at asking before people come to dinner if they have any special food issues, and if I EVER get a call right before dinner saying “Sorry, I forgot to mention…” I’d say “Well, I’m sorry, but the menu has been finalized and it’s already mostly done. You’re still very welcome to come, and I have some side dishes that are vegan, but the main course and the dessert have meat and dairy in them.”
No way would I make something “special” for this person who calls right before dinner is served. Hell, I don’t even know if I’d change the menu if I knew from the start that someone is a vegan. I don’t think it’s fair to the other dinner guests to serve food that is so restrictive. Most people would not enjoy such a meal.
