Vegetarians (and non) is this rude?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m a vegan. Have been for nine and a half years. I’m quite used to being the oddball in social situations that involve food. No biggie. Actually, my biggest pet peeve is when people make a huge deal out of my being vegan. You know, group of people are going out to eat and everyone looks at me “where can YOU go lezlers??” That’s annoying. I can eat just about anywhere. Hell, I took my SO to Cattleman’s for his birthday and found something to eat. I’m very resourceful.

My SO’s mother is really considerate of my being vegan. She always goes out of her way to make sure I’ve got something to eat at family dinners (they live nearby, we have dinner over there about once a month). This makes me feel quite good and welcome.

My SO’s sister, OTOH, is not quite as considerate. To the contrary, she is convinced that because my SO is not vegan, we are doomed for failure. She even went so far as to almost say that at dinner one time (we were at a resturant and someone make a comment that I was vegan and she turned to her boyfriend and started to say “that’s why it’ll never…” then caught me shooting lasers at her from across the table and shut up.) To this woman, mixed dieters cannot be together. Kind of like a dietary bigot.

My best friend for the past 16 years is moving to Texas next week. Sunday is the last time we can hang out. However, sister is throwing a birthday dinner for my SO and his other sister on Sunday night. She sends an email to my SO this morning saying “we’re going to have Beef Stronganoff” yadda yadda and “if lezlers is coming, have her bring something she can eat.”

I’m usually kind of hyper sensitive to sister because she just rubs me the wrong way most of the time. However, I always go out of my way to be nice to her and talk to her. But that email really pissed me off. Like I said earlier, I have been vegan for nine and a half years. While I have been caught and dinner parties and the like with nary a thing to eat, most people at least try. Sometimes they get it wrong, but they always try. Because as a gracious host, you always strive to make your guests comforatable. You don’t put having something to eat on them. YOU are the one throwing the dinner party! You don’t need to make a vegan feast. Hell, boil some pasta and throw on some marinara sauce and we’re good to go! When I make dinner for his friends and family, I cook meat! I don’t tell them “if you want meat, you’d better bring it with you.”

Which brings me to my question. The whole “if lezlers is coming” thing really led me to believe she doesn’t give a damn if I’m there or not. Dare I say, she’d rather I not be there. If my SO wouldn’t care, do you think it would be horribly rude to just blow it off? After all, my best friend is moving away and this is the last time I’ll get to see her. And, as a second question, do you think it’s rude, if you’re throwing a dinner party and know one of your guests is vegetarian or vegan, to not make any effort whatsoever to accomodate them?

Thanks for reading.

2

Yes, it is incredibly rude of the sister to do that and I would be pissed also.

However, it is your best friend and you want to see her. The solution I would go for is to find out when dinner is being served and plan to arrive after that, giving yourself time to eat beforehand but still be able to see your friend. I wouldn’t let the sisters rudeness make you miss your only chance to see your best friend before they move.

3

Yes, it is incredibly rude of the sister to do that and I would be pissed also.

However, it is your best friend and you want to see her. The solution I would go for is to find out when dinner is being served and plan to arrive after that, giving yourself time to eat beforehand but still be able to see your friend. I wouldn’t let the sisters rudeness make you miss your only chance to see your best friend before they move.

4

Sorry about the doublepost, I swear it didn’t go through the first time. Grr.

5

No. It’s your choice, and she doesn’t have to do extra work to validate your choice. It’s nice if she does, and shows an extra level of graciousness, but she is not rude if she doesn’t.

6

If your SO wouldn’t mind, I would go spend the evening with your friend. The next time rude sister pulls this “bring her own food” bs, make a big production of bringing your own food - that should embarass the hell out of her in front of the other guests.

7

lezlers, blow off the bitch and see your friend. That’s what I’d do anyway.

8

Just realized I misinterpreted the OP, I was thinking that the best friend and rude sister events were the same. Let me revise my advice, have your own b-day time with your SO and if he is ok with it spend the evening with your friend before she moves and skip rude sisters party.

9

I’m impressed. I keep kosher and am a picky eater, and there are restaurants I can’t find something I can eat and like at.

I’d like to ask her to find one couple, just one, that share every last dietary quirk. I think she’d have a hard time. Just about every couple has one member who doesn’t like at least one food that the other one likes. We all deal with it.

If your SO doesn’t mind, and the sister isn’t likely to blow this up into something huge, I’d blow off the dinner, hang out with your friend, and tell the sister that’s why you didn’t come. Don’t say anything about her email, though.

I personally think you’re overreacting to the wording of her email, though. I think it’s rude to not make anything you can eat, but I wouldn’t try to read too much into her email. People don’t always think before they email something, and it’s very easy to misread tone in an email.

Absolutely.

But you, as the person with dietary restrictions, have to put up with and answer my dumb questions about what you do and don’t eat, just like I’m willing to put up with and answer people’s dumb questions about keeping kosher when I’m in that situation. Not everyone knows what vegans or people who keep kosher do and don’t eat.

10

Look, it’s not like I can just say “oh, the hell with it, I’m fallin’ off the wagon tonight! Gimme that there meat!” I’ve been vegan for nine and a half years. That means, if I were to eat any meat or dairy I would get violently ill. So, if I were throwing a dinner party and I knew one of my guests was severly lactose intolerant, it would be okay for me to make lasange, ceaser salad (with lots of cheese!) and cheesy garlic bread? Then tell her to bring her own non-dairy food? It really is more similar of a situation than it appears. It’s not like I’m just refusing to eat anything with meat or dairy in it that night to make a stand. If I were to eat it, I’d get sick.

Besides, it’s not a matter of the reasoning behind someone’s dietary restrictions, its a matter of graciousness as a host. If you don’t want to be bothered thinking about what to make someone you can always shoot them an email asking them a few simple things they could eat that you could prepare (like the pasta I mentioned above). And, it’s not like she barely knows me. I’ve been with the SO for two years.

11

I already took him to a concert and to dinner for his birthday, which was last Saturday. I’m hoping he won’t mind (or just think I’m bitchy and petty for not going)

12

I’d blow it off if I were you. Your best friend moving away trumps the birthday dinner.

That said, I do think you need to realize that your food choices do impact others in this situation, and not be overly suprised when/if people don’t make a meal you can eat. You say the meal was a birthday meal for your SO and his other sister… if I were cooking a birthday meal, I’d cook things that the birthday people liked, not one that caters to a very restricted diet of one of the guests. Spaghetti and marinara sauce isn’t what I’d consider a special birthday dinner - it’s something I throw together on a night I don’t feel like cooking. Ditto with a lot of other vegan food. I know that it’s great for people who have made the choice to go vegan, but to many people, it’s just not all that exciting, especially when cooked by someone who is non-vegan and who probably hasn’t the faintest idea about how to make tasty vegan food.

13

What is rude is for her to be so ostentatious about it. If she said, “Brother, I would love it if lezlers can come, but I don’t really know how to cook vegan; would she be able to bring a dish for herself?” then the same thing is accomplished, far less rudely.

What does your SO say about it? As I see it, you’ve got no obligation to bitchy sister, but you’ve got some obligations to him. If it’s important to him for you to go, that’s worth considering. Otherwise, hell no!

Daniel

14

Well, I didn’t say I liked it. :wink:

True. And in nine and a half years, I’ve had my fair share of serious relationships and not one of those involved a vegetarian other than myself. It’s truly never been a big deal. That’s why her insistence on trying to make it a big deal irritates me so much.

See, I can’t tell if it’s just cluelessness or passive agressiveness. If it’s cluenessness, I want to say something, so she knows and won’t do it again. However, I have a hard time believing that a 36 year old, successful businesswoman honestly does not realize that refusing to make any effort to accomodate a vegetarian guest at a dinner party is rude. That’s why I think it’s passive agressiveness. So maybe I shouldn’t say anything. Although I’m sure my SO probably will. He’s got a big mouth.

Oh, I’ve got no problem with that. Most of my fiends I’ve been freinds with for awhile, so they know. And I usually eat better at my family’s homes than my own! But I’ve got no problem with people asking me about my diet. It’s the people that don’t bother and tell me to fend for myself, that irritate me.

15

Oh, totally. I just meant a side of pasta for me. Takes 20 minutes. I would never expect everyone else to eat it. And for many get togethers, I don’t expect any effort. But a dinner party? The whole focus of the get together is the meal, so why would you want one of your guests to feel uncomfortable with nothing to eat?

16

Actually, at this point I think I disagree with you. I think it’d be totally appropriate for her to ask you to bring something for you to eat, as long as she did it civilly.

Daniel

17

I would blow it off and go out with your friend.

I’ve been in similar situations (eg - being vegetarian and going to a meat eaters house for dinner) and I’ve always OFFERED to bring a dish to share that I can eat (ratatouille is a favorite - everyone loves ratatouille).

However, I used to be friends with someone who was lactose intolerant - when she would come to my house for dinner she would complain if ANYTHING had diary in it. Then, when I went to her house, EVERY item would have meat. We’re not friends anymore - frankly, it was indicative of her entire attitude.

Anyhow - sister sounds like a bitch. If SO won’t be upset, blow off the dinner. Then invite sister over for dinner any only serve tofu and tell her if she wants meat and dairy to bring her own. Ok, don’t do that last part, it’s childish. But you could pretend you were going to. :slight_smile:

18

I used to have pretty severe dietary restrictions - by need, not choice. I just said that I’d enjoy the meal vicariously, ate fruit or whatever, and enjoyed the company.

But she does show a fundamental lack of consideration, and you are to be congratulated for showing consideration to carnivores by cooking meat when you entertain.

19

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a non-vegan to cook an entire vegan meal for one vegan guest, but it is not unreasonable to prepare a dish or two if you know one of your guests is vegan. It’s not like cooking pasta or a couple of veggie dishes it that difficult!

20

Are you sure I can’t do this? (evil grin) Because that would be awesome.

I don’t mind bringing a dish at all. It was more the way she said it, like “bring something for yourself because I sure as hell aren’t going to be bothering to make anything for you.” And the whole “IF lezlers is coming” thing. Why the hell wouldn’t I come? It’s my SO’s birthday dinner! That made me feel pretty excluded, so add the whole food thing on top of it and I got really annoyed and a bit hurt.

I suppose I could be reading too much into it, his sister is rather self-involved and it’s entirely possible she could just be that clueless.

I doubt it though.