My former mother-in-law was so clueless when I first became vegetarian. She wanted to help, bless her heart. She made luncheon meat sandwiches for everyone else at a poolside picnic; for me she mircrowaved a box of frozen mixed vegetables.
As I say, she tried, and I applaud her for that. But the cluelessness was so incredible. I wasn’t vegan; a cheese sandwich would have been fine!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to cook a small side dish, either. But I have had horrible experiences with vegans, I’ll say. It’s hard to know exactly what you should have for them. That being said, LhoD said it - she could have been a lot nicer. It’s her sister after all.
BTW, I got halfway through the OP and was already thinking “blow off the party”.
I’d like to know how your SO is reacting to this, lezlers. I think that her public expressions of “this won’t last”, as well as the wording of that e-mail, are all rude enough that your SO really ought to stand up for you and say something. A simple “please be kinder to lezlers” would be nice.
Sure. As long as you are polite about it, as Left Hand of Dorkness mentioned. As a guest (after you have *politely * made your dietary restrictions known) you have 3 choices- eat it, bring your own, or skip it. You have no right to demand she kowtow to your choice.
What about the reverse–You are a vegan, you tell friends you are making a vegan meal for a party at your own house, and someone walks in with a side of Kobe beef and a Smithfield ham. Do you throw the guest out?
I know this happened once. Vegan host claimed the “smell made her sick”. I wuz there. Her concession was a bowl of rennet-less shredded cheese for us Omnivores to add to our vegan mac & “cheese-like-substance” (need “pukey-face emoticon” to go here). The salad was damn good, though, have to give her that.
He laughs it off. He thinks her “concerns” are ridiculous. He’s also the type who really doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. Wish I could be more like that, actually. He thought the email was out of line. He said he was going to call her. Even if I told him not to, he’ll say something, I’m sure.
I can’t really address the OP, because I feel both sides have valid points (on the one hand, it was incredibly rude for her to say something like that, but on the other hand, she really doesn’t have to cater to a self-imposed dietery system). But I have a few things to say on the subject of veganism.
I’m not vegan. OR vegetarian. I never will be. I loves me my meat. One of my best friends, a guy I’ve known for well over a decade, has recently become vegan for a number of reasons. I give him guff about it, of course, but he knows that it’s in good fun and that I respect his decision.
But one thing you are NEVER going to avoid is people questioning you on your dietary restrictions. I’m CONSTANTLY asking him about them - out of interest. I asked him why he decided to become vegan (a mix of health reasons and moral reasons), what he can eat, what he can’t eat, et cetera. I’m constantly asking him about it, and to give him credit, he’s been very patient with me over it.
In fact, I was so interested in it that I’m going to add an entire vegan section to the cookbook I’m planning (the cookbook idea is very cool, some day I’ll start a thread on it). But you have to understand that I’m very, very unusual. Most people don’t worry about what’s in their food except for saturated fats and calories (if that - I never have, if I like it, I eat it). You’re always going to be an oddball with your eating habits, nine years in or no. And sometimes, people are going to be downright rude (which I’m sure you’ve figured out by now). It happens. I’d blow it off; most people don’t even realize how easy it is to MAKE vegan stuff. My vegan friend won’t even eat regular pasta because it often has folic acid derived from animal products in it - he only eats special Vegan pasta. It varies from vegan to vegan, and sometimes it’s easy (and sometimes it’s not).
Now that I’m done rambling - if you have any yummy vegan recipes to share with me, please let me know. 
I’m throwing a birthday party soon and my friend will be invited, and I’d like a wide variety of snacks that everyone can eat, that taste good.
~Tasha
When I’m the hostess, I do try to accomodate everyone’s dietary quirks and needs, but frankly, I sort of feel like I should earn extra Karma points by doing so - I wouldn’t expect it if I was the guest. I happen to like to cook, and I like to cook a variety of things, but I’m not going to lie and say it’s no big deal or it’s not a pain in the ass. It is, even if all you’re doing is throwing on some non-egg pasta (in addition to the egg noodles for the stroganoff), juggling the two pastas, the last minute sour cream addition for the strog, the bread (perhaps two, if I planned garlic bread with butter on it, and now feel obligated to make some without butter), the marinara, drain the pasta so I can get a burner free for the veg - no, wait! Drain the non-egg pasta first, or there’ll be egg residue in the colander! Ok, got the pastas, got the strog, got the bread. Damn, which bread has the butter and which has the oil? Sniff test. OK, this is the oil, make sure Lezlers gets this one. Yes, this one. OK, how’s that marinara doing? These veggies are still hard - they should have gone on 15 minutes ago, but I needed all the burners for the pastas and strog and marinara. Dammit, the bread’s getting cold, stick it back in the oven…
It took me only a few meals like this to realize that making one special dinner is actually harder than incorporating side dishes that everyone can eat, and the veg/vegan/kosher/lactose intollerant person can eat as their main meal.
And yes, Ratatouille is a great choice. Baked potatoes are good as well, since they aren’t labor intensive. I’ll get a bunch of vegan “cheese”, “sour cream” and other potatoey toppings, which can add up to a filling meal pretty quickly, especially if I have steamed brocolli or something that goes well with potato.
But I think going to extra trouble is what makes me a fantastic hostess, not that it should be the required minimum.
“Most people don’t even realize how easy it is to MAKE vegan stuff.”
Nodding at Tashabot. If people would engage their brains for just a few seconds, they’d realize that they don’t eat 100% meat, all day every day. I think the whole idea of someone forgoing meat just knocks them loopy. “Wha-wha-wha WHAT? No meat EVER?” No. “No BACON??” No. “Never again AS LONG AS YOU LIVE??” Maybe I don’t know. For now.
See if they’d just think a minute, they’d realize they happily eat macaroni and cheese. I’m sort of off vegan, here, and speaking more broadly, but my experience was that, once people got accustomed to me and my weird, non-meat-eating ways, they calmed down and realized that they frequently ate meatless. Pimento cheese sandwhich? Bingo. Omlet and toast? There ya go. Bean soup and cornbread? Now you’re talkin.’
In the case of my former mother-in-law, however, it just now belatedly dawns on me: She is so dizzy I think she thought “vegetarian” means “eats ONLY vegetables in their off-the vine or tree state.” It wouldn’t occur to her that a grain was a “vegetable.” So nuked frozen mixed vegetables, she probably thought, was what I preferred.
Add me to the people who think that the biggest rude thing was the way the “request” for lezlers to bring her own food was the way that it was phrased.
And to the list of people who would make an effort to have something lezlers could eat–even if it was a more limited selection than what the omnivores could eat. The most recent time I entertained, one of our guests couldn’t eat dairy or gluten. He could eat the fruits, veggies, special crackers and chips (we had both gluten free, and gluten containing crackers), and “7 layer mexican bean dip, minus a couple of layers”–a special, albeit small plate of dip prepared just for him, which did not contain the sour cream or cheese layers from our usual mexican bean dip. He was so appreciative it was funny.
(And to the list of people who doesn’t see why, if the host(ess) doesn’t eat meat, that person should be expected to provide meat dishes for those who do. It won’t kill you to eat tofu for one meal. Go eat a hamburger on your way home, if you are that desparate).
And to the list of people who knows people as clueless as Ellen Cherry’s former mother in law about what vegetarians can and cannot eat. “I cut the meat into big chunks so you can fish them out!” Admittedly, the vegetarian intended to eat that casserole is a “pick things off” type vegetarian, and admittedly, part of the problem may have been the need to fix food for a vegetarian, and his omnivore wife. But it still struck me funny when I heard about it. Some folks fixed vegetarian food that omnivores could enjoy, some fixed vegtarian sides and added a small meatloaf (or something) for the wife, and some fixed casseroles with big meat chunks, the easier to fish them oug.
Except that, her mother is cooking the meal and bringing it to her house. She’s making “salad and drinks” (I just read the email again.) I hope she doesn’t hurt herself. 
I get what you’re saying though. Which is why all I’d ever ask for would be a couple side dishes (maybe put the butter on the side of the veggies instead of slatering them in it or if you’re making pasta, don’t toss it with meat sauce, keep the sauce on the side, stuff like that)…
Oy. So she can’t make you a bigger salad? Maybe with a pouch of pre-marinated baked tofu strips and sunflower seeds on top? She’s making freaking **salad **and you still have to bring your own food? **If **you’re coming? Never mind, she’s a psycho hosebeast, as well as rude. 
I join you in your righteous indignation and hereby give you permission to blow her party off if you’re SO is cool with it.
Oy. So she can’t make you a bigger salad? Maybe with a pouch of pre-marinated baked tofu strips and sunflower seeds on top? She’s making freaking **salad **and you still have to bring your own food? **If **you’re coming? Never mind, she’s a psycho hosebeast, as well as rude.
I join you in your righteous indignation and hereby give you permission to blow her party off if your SO is cool with it.
(I’m so embarrassed. Sorry 'bout the double post. Sorrier about that you’re/your screwup. I coulda swore I caught it in time.) :smack:
Unless someone is on some kind of meat-only diet eating a vegan/vegetarian meal isn’t the same as a vegan/vegetarian being served meat. That being said there are some folks who simply don’t consider a meal a meal unless meat is served. For many older people the ability to eat meat at every meal is a sign of prosperity. My father is perfectly happy to have a seafood dinner once in a while, but would through a fit if he had to eat a vegetarian meal.
Kind of changes things a bit…
Sounds like this is a “everyone is bringing something” type of meal and she isn’t making the main course. Asking her now to have to prepare pasta or tofu or something else for you when all she was planning on doing was cutting up some lettuce and veggies is a bit more inconvenient.
Also, did she already know you might not be there? That would explain the “IF” comment. Might your SO have told her your friend was leaving town that day and he wasn’t sure if you’d go or not?
Obviously your SO’s sister rubs you the wrong way and you view things through that lense. But you already know that so now your best bet is to shrug and move on. If it was done maliciously getting mad won’t change anything. If it wasn’t, you’d just be making things worse by reacting badly.
Although I have no problem eating vegetarian, vegan is another thing entirely. Sure, veggies are veggies, but some of the “meat-like substances” and especially the “cheese-like substances” are truly horrifying. Give me enough decent cheese, and I’ll forgo meat happily.
I’d bring a lunchbox of something incredibly stinky. Boiled cabbage, rutabegas, etc. Heat it up in her microwave on low heat so the smell has a chance to permeate every bit of foodstuff in the house.
Maybe she’s worried about hurting herself and getting blood in the salad, thus rendering it unfit for vegans
Same here. I eat vegetarian several times in any given week, but most of my meals contain either meat or cheese (not both, because I keep kosher). I loves me some cheese…
I think I might actually have more problems with guests bringing a Smithfield ham and a side of Kobe beef than most people posting in this thread would, because I keep a kosher kitchen, which would no longer be kosher (and would have to be re-kashered, which is a total pain) if non-kosher meat were cooked in it. And if they ate it on our dishes, we’d have to get rid of those dishes (ceramic dishes can’t be re-kashered). Mr. Neville and I don’t entertain at home (we live in a fairly small, cluttered apartment), but, if we did, I guess we’d ask our guests not to bring food with them unless they understood the kosher rules pretty well. If they were vegetarian or vegan, it wouldn’t be a problem, though- all food that is vegetarian is kosher, at least by our standards.