Attention Vegan Bitch:
Yes, you are my best friend’s girlfriend, and I’d like to be a good host, but when you are invited to my house for a turkey dinner, it’s a pretty good assumption that a turkey will be served for dinner. In fact I’d place it at nearly 100% odds. You knew what you were getting into, and you came of your own free-will, so I’d like to point out a few things:
I have no interest whatsoever in the living conditions of farm-raised turkeys, and I strongly suspect that the rest of the guest didn’t either, so please don’t bother us with your PETA brochure details before we eat one. I have no doubt whatsoever that you are more sensitive and moral than most people (nice leather shoes, by-the-way) but it seemed a bit inappropriate.
I care not-at-all that the smell of cooking meat sickens you, but hey, thanks for mentioning it anyway. Remind me again why you came?
There are ‘many healthful alternatives to meat’ you say? Amazing! Dinner tonight, however, will not be one of them. Tell me, what part of “turkey dinner” eluded you? Did you maybe come expecting Turkish cusine?
Yes, the mashed potatoes will have both cream and butter in them as I will not ruin my recipe for your benefit. The corn, broccoli and rice has butter on them as well. Also, the rice was made with chicken stock and that white stuff on the broccoli is Hollandaise sauce – it has eggs in it. Sorry, but when you asked if there would be vegetables served with dinner perhaps you should have been more specific. You do eat right? Or do you maybe photosynthesize??
I feel really bad that you had to sit there all evening nibbling on dinner rolls – oh wait, no I’m not. Possibly because you are a sniveling, pouty little girl who uses her moral superiority to make herself the center of attention – and it worked too, for as soon as you left you were the main topic of conversation. In fact, I guarantee there was more laughter that night because you came.