Why do I have to be reminded of my sad, sad past in such dramatic ways that it could be made into a movie? I have spent an almost happy one year living my life (well, stopping trying to find a painless way to die is a postitve step forward, I think) and now YOU, of all people, have to turn up on the same train that I am on!
I tried to avoid you, but NO!, the water bottle in my bag deemed it will be a great time to drop onto the floor, and of all people, you picked it up and handed it back to me. And then I thought you wouldn’t recongise me! Darn, I almost got away with it!
Yes, okay, so five years ago I was a shy, impressionable young teenager dying for approval and acceptance, and dying to “please God” (whatever that means) which is why I jumped onto your evangelistic bandwagon. Even though I was a socially-challenged, stuttering, frightful young kid with low self steem, and with a definte fear of strangers. I don’t even want to do this ~ heck, but you all convinced me that it is the right and proper thing to “please God” (whatever that means!).
So I did it and I felt like a nail in a screw thread, a fish out of water, a hamster drowning in the sea and someone who is pretending to be motivated, passionated and extremely interested in evangelism. I gave up time, I bit my lip, I scream bloody hell to my fears and approach strangers and hand out tracts, mix around with disaffected college students, trying to convincing them that “Jesus loves you!”
I hate the job. Oh sorry, I am wrong. I desist the job! I don’t want to pick a random passer-by and dump a bucket of cold water on him. I don’t mean it is wrong for you to do it, dear sister or brother, but I don’t want to do it! I am a total 100% introvert (I done three different tests to confirm that) and everytime you drag me out along to do street evangelism I am screaming inside, “No, no, not again!”
My thoughts of coming clean were dashed by your talks “If you love God, you will do what He wants you to do” and “The Great Comission is the greatest of all things” (paraphrased, of course). Ohkay, so I am not sharing the gospel and littering the road with tracts I am a sinner. Oh no, I wouldn’t want to be a sinner, don’t I.
And just because I jumped onto your evangelistic bandwagon doesn’t I mean I sold my life to you! Evangelistic may not be my cup of tea, but I am willing to brew a cup now and then since it is all Christian’s duty to spread the good news. But no, you want me to drink tea for the rest of my life and nothing but tea!
I have my dreams. I have my desires. I have my goals in life. And no, it is not be a full-time worker in your ministry! More and more I felt like a pawn on a chessboard, to be scarificed for the Greater Good™. Why do you Christians sing one tune but meant another? Saying Jesus died for me because He loved me so much, then treating me like a pawn to be used for some tactical advantage? Saying that I matter to God, then telling me that I couldn’t do what I want to do, but what God wants me to do, and that is what you want me to do?
Curse ye al! When I try to say ‘no’, to find my own ground, you I am being irresponsible and pushing duties to others. Well, you want to feel bad for not spreading the “Good News?” Well, you did it! Congraulations!. You made it as though being a 100% introvert is the greatest sin of the century because I don’t dare to hit the streets and preach at total strangers or to make phone calls to completely unknown ‘contacts’ to invitie them for bible studies or events. Do you feel warm and fuzzy inside now?
Do you want me to feel as if God hates me? Congrats! You have done it! You convinced me that if I am doing what I want, what I desire and following my dreams, God will be against me because He doesn’t want me to do what I want to do!
So anyway, that was a year ago. I had convinced myself how to relate between God and myself - that’s my own business since you Christians all like to sing to the tune that God created me and I am an unqiue person then why aren’t you respecting the decisions that I have made?
I told you that instead of hitting on random strangers and blasting ‘friends’ with the gospel, I rather explain stuff from Bible. Well, you have the gall, the gall to say that following my desires are wrong! And that there is a reason why they are elders. And God didn’t allow some famous so and so in the Bible to do what he wants to do. Thank you! Now I am all confused and bitter again? Do you feel warm and fuzzy inside now? And oh yeah, I have to listen to my elders, to what you want me to do, right? Because somehow you have Divine Inspiration from the Guy Upstair, but I do not. Why is that I am always in the wrong!
I have decided to forge my own path in life and there you are pouring cold holy water on me! I have decided to raise up from the wreck of the man that I was and now you are convicing me that God is actually against what I am doing!!
Damn it! Do you know because of your little bandwagon and their various antics I have been depressed for three freaking years. Tell me what it is like to spend 365 x 3 days with wild mood swings, extreme guilt, total disappointment and a feeling of Divine Condemnation and Extreme Disappointment with God. I just don’t want to do your bidding, not God’s bidding.
Do you know how crushed I was when I thought God doesn’t give a damn about my dreams and goals. You Christians always sing one thing but meant other. You tried your best to pyshco me “Go full time for God! If not, at least give a three-quarter of your life to God!” I said “But I have my own passions at other things, such as programming” and you said, “Is that important? Do you need to know programming in Heaven?”
Curse ye! Now I am off to find a painless way to die.