Cutting Friends Loose - What's the Best Way?

In My Humble Opinion
21

It’s a metaphorical roster…not an actual clip board. Basically, if I feel that my efforts are not being reciprocated, I stop calling or call infrequently.

I think female friendships require a lot more maintenance than guy friendships. They are either “best friends” and do everything together like those Sex in the City girls or they’re out. They require constant phone calls and going out and whatever.

I couldn’t imagine my other guys friends getting mad if one of us didn’t call for a month. Guys tend not to call each other unless there is something specific going on:
-“yo”
-'sup?"
-“going to Jim’s party?”
-“sure…whatever”
-“cool”
-“later”

We certainly wouldn’t call each other 5 times a day.

Guys also have diferent levels of “friend”.
“This is my friend Brad”
“…his buddy Steve”
“…my pal Eric”
“…my work friend Carlos”

and so on.

22

This sounds like the kind of dick-headed opinion that only men can muster.

23

I’d been thinking about a thread along these lines, too; what if it’s a guy friend? Do the rules change?

There’s a guy I knew in high school; we almost never hung out except in school, but we were part of the same extended circle. He was even geekier than most of my other friends, which is really saying something, as my circle of friends included large portions of the math team and the chess club. But he seemed kind of like a lost sheep, a sentiment I can identify with, so I humored him. We both left for college out of state, and I didn’t speak to him for more than 10 years.

Fast-forward to about 4 years ago; having just moved back into town with his wife, he looked me up through a mutual friend and expressed interest in hanging out. I tried a few times, but really don’t feel I have anything in common with him anymore. Then he got divorced, and hasn’t been able to pick himself up; he was laid off a couple of times, and I’ve tried to give him job search pointers, but he’s become quite limited in his thinking and in general rather depressing to be around. He keeps inviting me to do stuff, and inviting himself to events that I organize, and he really casts a pall over some long-running social events of mine.

I just don’t have it in me to tell him to go away; I really feel sorry for him, but I’m really not in shape to rescue him from his troubles, which are largely of his own making. Any ideas?

24

Wow… this is amazing… I’ve just cut loose of a 20-year friendship (with a guy, not a girl; PS I’m a woman myself). He’s bipolar but uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness (he just watches TV and smokes dope all day while collecting disability) and vile temper. I’ve finally had enough. It’s not just me; he’s alienated a whole slew of his friends who are fed up with his behavior. This guy expects everyone to offer their shoulder to cry on when he has an “episode”, but has no patience (and acts like a vile prick) to anyone who just has a bad day and needs to vent. Some friend.

You know it’s over when you come to the conclusion that you won’t even miss the “good times” anymore…

25

I’m not even sure if guys are alowed to “cut friends loose”. I think our only option is to either ignore them or ridicule them. Other than that, I think we’re basically stuck.

That’s it. I declare you off the friend list.

26

I had a friend once who had absolutely no concept of personal space - mine, that is. She was always in it, wouldn’t take no for an answer (even “No, you can’t come along, I’m meeting up with two friends I have known for fifteen years”), parasited herself on my social life (“So, tell me all the intimate and personal details about your social life, since I have none of my own. If you refuse I will act like you are being a big bitch, and moan and complain about how silly you are being until you do. And if you tell me, then I will hang out with your friends and, taking what you have told me about them, act like I am their friend too, and blissfully ignore all the cues they give me about how they can’t stand me.”) and generally providing me with nothing that usually comes with friendship - an interest in my happiness and peace of mind, respect for my space (physical, temporal, emotional etc), compassion, etc.

Fortunately, she moved to Jordan. After I didn’t respond to her “Hey Everyone, Here’s how I’m Enjoying Jordan” group e-mails a few times, or to the postcard she sent to see if I was still alive, she finally left me alone.

If she hadn’t I’d have been screwed. I gave her the “I need some space” talk and the “Please leave me alone, it’s nothing personal but I’d rather not be here right now” talk and she didn’t mind at all, just stopped calling for a day or two. I shudder to think of what would have happened if she had managed to drive me round the bend.

27

Talk about timing; I’m right about to cut some old friends loose myself.

For the past several years, most of my socializing has been with a sci fi fan club. I’ve been losing interest in sci fi for the past few years, and I’ve become aware of the nastiness of the club’s politics. So I’ve also been losing interest in the people, as well.

Then late last year I joined my tae kwon do school’s competition team, and early this year I pretty much disappeared for a few months into the world of tournaments. Club events just didn’t fit my schedule any more, and I didn’t have much time to talk on the club email list.

During this time, I realized that several people in the club were being very annoying (from my point of view). I realized that these were no longer the kind of people I wanted to spend my time with.

So in a few days, I’ll be quitting the club, and sending out a final letter announcing my departure. I realistically do not expect to see most of these people ever again, at least not in a way that significantly affects my life. I have given serious consideration to this fact and have accepted it as necessary.

When I go my merry way, I will give these friends the only reason that matters for cutting them loose: My interests have changed, and we have nothing in common any more. I’m going to completely skip any mention of people being rude or annoying, or of slights real and imagined. My intent is to leave on a positive note, or at least a neutral one; there’s nothing to gain by leaving in a huff.

Once I go, if any of the people I’ve cut off try to contact me directly, I’ll give them a simple “Thanks, but I have other plans.” No other explanation is needed, or will be useful. If they call me, I’ll give them a few minutes, then tell them that I’ve got to go. Again, no explanation will be useful, so I won’t give them one. As it happens, I don’t expect them to contact me; that’s part of why I’m cutting them off.

So my suggestion for the OP, and others with similar issues, is this: Skip the excuses and long explanations; leave with a polite message that your interests have changed. If they try to stay in contact, tell them politely and firmly to go away.

In conclusion: Be polite, be neutral to positive, be gone, and you will be moving forward with your life.

28

My old roommate and I were almost inseperable a few years ago… I decided to get my own place after that, due to the fact that she bitched and moaned about the most TRIVIAL things! She would rant on for 10 minutes about someone not cleaning out the lint trap in the laundry room, and go into 30 minute details bitching stories about a specific incident at her job, and how everyone there loves her, how she has lost so much weight, how she got the hottest new purse at Barney’s, etc… I don’t think she asked me how I was for over a year. So, last summer I used the avoidance technique too. I quit returning her calls, took her off my email list, and so on. The only time she would try to contact me was to get a free ride home (we’re from the same hometown and I believe that’s the only reason she tried to stay friends with me - for the rides). She finally got the hint after a few months, and life is much better!! Life is too short to surround yourself with people you simply don’t care to be around, or make you feel miserable/inadequate.

29

You get it. We don’t usually have to because we’re usually much more chilled-out about our friendships. Guys can take a hint and those that can’t just need bigger hints.

30

Even still. Once you have been estabished in the “circle” it’s hard to get out. I have friends who I haven’t seen in 5 years inviting me to wedings. I don’t even want to go. Half of them I didn’t even like that much when we hung out. But I’m in the circle there’s no way for me to escape.

Actually, the quickest way for a guy to cut a friend loose is to lend him money. Then you’ll NEVER see him again.

31

Interesting. I was very close to a woman for several years before I began to realize that she was making me miserable. Miserable and crazy. I tried to do less and less with her and I got these HUGE guilt trips from her about it. I felt incredibly lonely, because our social circles were tightly integrated and I knew from past experience that she considered it encroachment if I ever approached mutual friends about doing something without her. Everyone seemed to find her so friendly, and admirable, and accomplished, but she was extremely manipulative and played friends off against each other. It took me a long time to realize it was happening. It takes me longer to make friends, so I felt like I never had a chance against her when it came to our social circle.

AND THEN SHE MOVED. Oh praise god, she moved. And it was only after she was 1500 miles away did a few of her current and former friends tentatively put out feelers to each other. It turns out most of us felt the same way, but didn’t know we had any compatriots. Alas, her job was a one-year appointment and I think she might be coming back. That will be strange.

My best tip is to NOT GET DRAWN IN when they try to guilt you, win you back, accuse you of being a crappy friend, etc. Tell them you made a decision that was right for you, and while you regret it may not feel right for them, it’s final. When they say “You’re a lousy friend” or “I feel abandoned,” just tell them you are sorry they feel that way. Period. Being assertive like this shuts down their ability to get you entangled again.

32

Good God… the complexity of female friendships is beyond reckoning, how do women make it through the day without their brains exploding?

33

Wow, you actually DID make me Laugh Out Loud. Either you have a sense of humour that I hadn’t suspected, or you’re serious. Either way, I had a great belly laugh. Thanks, mang.

34

This is almost exactly what I was thinking. When we got out of college we had a group of about 16 friends that were really close, and we did everything together (within reason). We even plan a reunion every year to get together and just catch up. About three years out of college we realized that the couple who was a little annoying when we were in college, has gone beyond control. The rest of the group would dread when they were going to be around. (They moved from MI to upstate NY after colelge.) We also realized that we would spend a lot of time trying to work around their needs so that we would not have to hear them complain (didn’t work). The wife of the couple also would use guilt for everything that we didn’t do exactly her way.

Our group of friends as a whole are very passive, and we tried the same with this situation. It didn’t work, and we would be miserable when we were all together because of one couple. Finally they called me to tell me that they were going to surprise everyone and move back to MI. I broke down and told my best friend who let others know. We ended up all confronting them about our feelings over the phone.

This appears to have worked, but I feel bad that we hurt them so much (they didn’t see it coming). I felt the worst about the fact that we didn’t talk about this earlier. My suggestion is if you feel this way, don’t wait too long to talk it out. Looking back, I wish we had dealt with this earlier.

35

I’ve been thinking about this whole issue a little bit to. I think I’ve matured A LOT in the past year and a half because of all the books I’ve read, cd’s I’ve listened to, seminars, and business people I’ve been spending time with, and then I look at some of the friends that I’ve had, and they’re still back on the same intellectual range that we were at when we first met, and they haven’t grown at all. So we hang out, and it’s not really fun anymore.

So I asked someone I work with about this (she’s incredibly wise in my opinion) and she said that yeah, still keep them as friends, but just don’t spend much time with them. Don’t disregard them, you can still hang out with them, but just spend more time with the people you enjoy.

I’ve been doing that, and it’s worked out pretty well. I still have my old friends, and I still have my new friends.

36

Cranky, I went through the same damned thing once, except that in our situation, the PITA “friend” was a schemer with borderline personality disorder who inserted herself into a group of longtime friends and turned us all against each other with lies and machinations. Only when she moved away did we all get together and find out that we’d all been hoodwinked by her insanity. So I really feel for you. The crazy woman has tried to reinsert herself a few times but we’re not having any of that. I hope you and your friends are able to stick to your guns. It’s going to feel awful, though.

I think there’s been a lot of painting men and women in broad strokes in this thread. Except for the bizarro situation described above, my friends are people I like and want to hang around with. If I don’t like someone that’s attached to my social circle, I just avoid them and make separate plans with those I like. My friends wouldn’t put up with someone who got angry about being left out of anything. I don’t waste my time doing things to keep feelings from getting hurt. I’m civil when forced to deal with the hurt feelings, but pragmatic.

And when it comes to the crazy loon woman I described above, it’s the men in our social group who are urging everyone to paste on a happy face and do things with her in the name of Making Nice and avoiding hurt feelings. The women, thankfully, aren’t swallowing any of that horse manure.

A few broad strokes of my own:

Men may want uncomplicated relationships with clear rules, but they also generally abhor any kind of conflict and so they either say nothing or quit dealing with a person, with no middle ground. Men bond over activities, and not personal discussions, so their relationships are less intimate and less emotionally charged.

Women can get upset over small issues in relationships and worry a lot more over little occurrences and hurt feelings, but they also generally have deeper and more intimate relationships with their friends and these little worries are the price they pay for that intimacy.

Naturally, we can all think of exceptions to these generalizations, but I think they explain a lot of the gender differences depicted in this thread.

37

Agree with astro and others who think this is an unnecessary deal. Just avoid these people and start doing other things. There’s no need to officially drop them. Like mssmith said, why go through the trouble of alienating people who meant something to you at one time? Who knows, you may just need these friends at some point.

38

astro, it was complex and weird and freaky, but she was an extreme case. Once I got her out of my life, I find I’ve got many healthy, uncomplicated, supportive friendships with other women.

I am surprised, myself, that we women seem to be unable to quickly recognize such toxic people and get rid of them quickly. In my case, a single person turned a bunch of us into paranoid neurotics without us even realizing it. Many male friends I had, including my husband, saw it long before I did. Perhaps this is our real weakness.

I think that I was partly influenced by my desire to live up to a standard perpetuated in literature and movies. There is sometimes a real fairytale aspect to how women’s friendships are celebrated. “Closer than sisters! We tell each other everything! I can call her at 3 am and she’ll listen to me! I named my daughter after her! We moved so we could live in the same neighborhood!” On and on. It’s far rarer to hear men’s friendships described this way. Anyway, in my case, when Queen Psycho started spinning this friendship web around me, I was drawn in by it. “Finally, I’m having one of those intimate friendships all other women have!” Total BS of course, but it was hard to accept that it was a bad thing, and hard to let it go.

39

It seems men are always shown in a diferent light. There is always one asshole or douchebag friend that can never be gotten rid of - Stifler, Costanza, Cartman, Pippen, Gilligan. But no matter how much of an asshole they are, the others have to put up with him because he’s in the circle.

40

Might as well toss in my male vote here too … I pretty much side with all the guys here too. Not always to such a harsh degree, but I also happen to be going through a similar situation with a certain branch of friends that I never truly connected with anyway, but have known since high school. And my closest friend in that circle has not progressed as a person since we once were roommates (the cause for our big falling out). I figured I would give him another chance after six months to see if he’d changed, but he’s now taken on cocaine in addition to other drug and alcohol problems, and has a remarkable propensity for being unable to toot his horn about who hops in his sack. A few weeks after we started talking again, he managed to just let slip the fact that he’d slept with a friend I knew. What was I supposed to do with that info? Pat him on the back? Buy him a beer? It’s just the kind of absolutely unnecessary crap I don’t need to hear and have no use in knowing. Needless to say, I’m not calling him anymore, and I didn’t answer his last two calls. I guess guys are just like that … something becomes not worth losing sleep over, so we don’t lose sleep over it. In this instance, if you ignore it, it will go away. I suppose it is true that it doesn’t work the exact same way for women, at least in their heads … but if you just let it drift away, they will probably get the hint over time.