Cutting Friends Loose - What's the Best Way?

I thought I’d throw my two cents in here, in case ya’ll are interested.

I, too, have had friends that needed cutting off. As a female, I’ve always had problems doing that because I didn’t want to hurt that person’s feelings, or I felt partly responsible for the problem in the first place, whether I was or not.

Here’s a very extreme example: When I was in high school, I worked on a summer musical and there happened to be this guy there that was much older than me. He was nice, and I enjoyed talking to him while we were building - he was smart and we both had somewhat similar interests. But I never felt anything for him other than friendship - if we ever hung out together, there were always at least 5 other people from the show, and we never talked alone for more than 2 minutes or so, which was fine with me. After a while, though, he started calling me at home, asking me out for dinner and just generally started acting as though we were dating, on the set and when he called me. I already had a boyfriend, and he knew this. In fact, at the time, this guy had met my boyfriend and knew that my boyfriend and I had plans to marry out of high school (which didn’t work out, by the way, thank God).

Anyway, this guy was really invading my space and clearly getting messages I wasn’t sending. I felt as though my being nice to him had somehow encouraged this behaviour in him, and felt that I was responsible for whatever feelings he may have had for me.

Finally, I managed to get him to leave me alone. I was really mean when I did it, and I felt almost unbearably guilty afterward, but it was very necessary. I had gotten to the point where I was afraid to leave my house for fear he’d find out where I was and show up. This was clearly not a healthy friendship - it was getting closer and closer to stalking. Unfortunately, my boyfriend was oblivious. No wonder we didn’t marry. :slight_smile:

Like I said, this is a very extreme example of “friendship gone bad,” but I feel like there are lots of layers to women’s relationships, and guilt is also usually programmed into us (or at least it was programmed into me) at a pretty early age. As a female, when I have a problem with someone, I can’t really articulate it because I don’t want to hurt any feelings, and I often feel as though doing something that might hurt someone’s feelings is like putting my needs before theirs. So it’s difficult. Ending a friendship can be a lot like dumping a significant other. It really blows. Even with this guy, I agonized over telling him to fuck off for almost a year after this behaviour started, even though he was largely responsible for my quality of life declining (I was having problems with my BF at the time, too). Finally, I just freaked out one day. In retrospect, I’m really glad I did.

Send an e-mail with a whole slew of e-mail addresses (make them up if you want), entitled: “Simplifying my life and cutting ties.”

Then write,

"Dear Friend,

As you may or may not know, my life has gone from hectic to hyper-hectic these past few months. I realize that I have not been a great friend to any of you lately, largely because there are just not enough hours in the day to nurture all the great friendships I have had the the privilege of making these past few years. I regret that I cannot devote more time to you as you are all great people.

After months, and even years, of running myself ragged trying to keep all my wonderful friendships alive, I have come to the sad conclusion that I cannot continue at this pace. Something has to give. And with the help of Dr. Jankowicz I have come to the conclusion that this means I have to let some of my friendships simply burn out. Otherwise the people I care about most (my husband, my kids, my dog) will suffer for it, and I cannot continue to let that happen.

I wish I could clone myself so I could do everything I want to do and see everyone I want to see. But I can’t. Out of respect for you, I wanted to let you know now why I won’t be calling you back or returning your e-mails. I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth, I simply don’t have the time.

I wish you all the best and know you wish me the same. You’ve been a great friend. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Moi

Or

"Dear Soandso

You guys suck. Get bent.

Later"

Here are a few options;

Bathe seldomly and/or douse yourself in perfume prior to visiting with them. Insist on spend much more time together. Take them to those photo booths at the mall.

Go parachuting. Insist on packing their parachute yourself.

Pick your nose constantly in their presense.

Push large strangers from behind and then point to your friend. Then run away.

Bet them large sums of cash that they can’t ride in the trunk of the car.

Call them. Call them just after they’ve gone to sleep or just after dawn. Do this for 2 weeks straight even after they ask you to stop.

Insist on calling them some other name. Preferably one of the opposite sex.

I really don’t see the problem.

:wink:

Don’t be a pussy and tell them why you don’t like them. The I’m busy crap will lead to return calls from time to time and is not fair to the person one intends to cut off - if you have been friends for years, you owe the person an explaination.

If you really want to cut them out, don’t be afraid to tell them.