Dad up and died and left me to deal with my mom's Alzheimer's. I need so much advice

That is pretty much the definition of Alzheimer’s.

Any chance you could ask her pastor if there is a kind soul there who would stay with her for 24 hours so you could have your wedding night and brunch alone with your bride? Nothing embarrassing about offering to pay that person either. If it was a face she knew from church maybe that would be more palatable to her.

Or if someone has said “what would you like for a wedding present?”, call them and ask them to stay overnight with your mom.

If I wasn’t a 7 hour drive away I’d do it in a heartbeat.

She’s probably subliminally picking up on the changes in her environment brought on by your impeding nuptials but isn’t able to articulate that. This too shall pass. In the mean time keep all car keys secure and far away from the usual places.

It’s going to be ok. Somehow, some way, we’ll figure it out. I solve problems. That’s what I damn do.

I have an old high school acquaintance going to see about pulling some strings. Maybe we will get 3 days away at the cabin after all. Who knows, we’ll see.

I feel like this whole thread is an ongoing pity party (it’s my party and I’ll die if I want to!) so I skipped my neuro stuff, but I have a severely inflamed nerve set off by that super stress cluster headache over a week ago, manifesting many trigger points in my neck, back, shoulder and under my collar bone. It’s exacerbated by my INTENSE jaw clenching in my sleep (I have ground my teeth into these flat horseshoes. I’ve not been able to wear my sleep bit because of that wicked extraction. If you really want some insight into my mind ask about my nightly nightmares…). So that’s just a loop of misery. I’m now on muscle relaxers and splurged today and bought a triggerpoint massage gun. So help me BY GOD I will ENJOY myself ON THE WEDDING DAY. I will beat this nerve into submission.

Speaking of The Wedding Day–I had this thought in the shower: I had a tacit, loose arrangement with my nephew to help bring my mom back from the wedding and situate her where ever we settled on. The night of the big “tell-me-off” from his wife (on behalf of the other cowards) she made mention that none of them will be going to the wedding (aka deliberately to make my mom another problem for me). She mentioned “why would (brother) help you when he’s not even invited to your wedding?”

This says so much to me: why WOULD the eldest son want to see his grieving mother in the hardest time of her life UNLESS it was transactionally beneficial to him??

This speak volumes to their intent, especially coupled with (bozo’s) last text that only read: “I can’t help with mom.”

I said “ok no problem I’ll figure something out” but then I realized that was a blanket statement moving forward: He will be no help from here on.

When I think about how I’m under investigation, and how I have to defend myself from all this bullshit and PROVE I’m not stealing money, handing over bank statements–having my garbage sifted through–every time I send a new document she goes “ok I’ll add it to the case file.”

Ok I think we need to have some of these texts in the case file, too. They PROVE none of them wanted to EVER or were EVER WILLING to help out or care for mom or interested in her well-being. They attacked me from the get-go and leveraged their grievances against THE GUILT of not having to help out–why would they help an asshole like me?? But they played their hand: they said in writing that they don’t care about seeing or helping mom, and their reason is because FUCK (ME). Know what I mean? It’s all personal attacks on me, and mom is just a pawn they are using to attack me.

I feel like this is relevant, it exists in writing, and I think it should be part of my case file.

Or maybe I’m just pounding sand.

The myofascial gun thing is defo a household necessity. I ran it over mom’s shoulders and found SO MANY KNOTS. She has to fix her hunch. I bark at her to stand up and stretch but I think this will be a great thing for me and her both.

I’ve been extra nice to mom tonight and it’s been a great night. We’ve had a few good talks. I asked to apologize for being terse earlier, she didn’t remember. I asked if I could just apologize anyway to assuage the guilt I felt even if she didn’t remember. She said anything I needed to do. I lost it. I mean fat, hard rain a’gonna fall tears. I didn’t mean to get emotional, but I just burst. I told her I am just under such stress in so many different directions and all I want is to make my wife happy and give her this one thing and how nothing is working out right so far.

Something about sharing real, raw emotion snaps her back into motherhood. She just wants to help ME in those moments. Maybe it’s just trauma-bonding, but it’s always a great emotional reset for the two of us, and when I say we really turned the day around, she agrees.

That’s what it’s for, damn it. No reason for you to worry about that. Complain here just as much as you need to.

I’ve been close to two people with Alzheimer’s: my grandmother and my father-in-law.

Grandma was nearly catatonic for almost a decade, but even by the time she had forgotten who her daughter and even husband were, she still took the time to give encouraging handclasps and looks to people around her who seemed in distress, just like she did in her younger days.

Dad-in-law, until stricken by the lung cancer that took his life, always dressed dignified like the banker he was, even if he sometimes forgot which closet his nice shirts were in, and always cleaned up any trash he saw while out walking for exercise, even if he didn’t remember whether there was a trash can nearby he could put it into.

All of which is to say that it’s been my experience that while memories go over time, the character of the person with Alzheimer’s sticks around for a long time. So you’ll still have a lot of times in the future where:


shows she’s still going to be your mom, even if you’re doing all of the caregiving by that time.

You’re doing great - giving her the stability she needs and making sure you’re fit for the long run yourself.

Have a great wedding and an outstanding marriage.

I’m married!

Woohoo! Congratulations!!



Hooray! Wishing you and Ms. Colossus many long years of bliss!

condolences erm i mean congrats on the wedding :stuck_out_tongue:

What the hell are you doing posting here?


Congratulations to you, best wishes to her (my momma done brung me up right).

Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes for a happy life together!

Congratulation and much happiness!


Yay for weddings, and may it be the start of a long, happy marriage!

Congratulations, felicitations, and may you have a wonderful life together! :gift_heart:


Just dropped off and hitting the road…Leaving mom at the facility for a few days was the hardest thing I’ve had to do since letting dad go.

I cried for 25 minutes driving away. Brutal. I just feel so protective of her, and she seems so afraid of being away from me.

This is an awful feeling to start a honeymoon with.

I’m so outrageously angry none of the rest of my family care enough to even see her, to help her.

Rotten garbage folk. I sure hope she ends up having fun. I told her it’ll be like camp, not sure at first but we’ll have to drag her away. I sure hope she’s ok.