Dad up and died and left me to deal with my mom's Alzheimer's. I need so much advice

I endorse what @nelliebly said above in post #177.

You’ve got this.

Zoning out with real life stuff so I’m dipping in and out. This time next week all my premarital affairs will be extramarital.

I absolutely cannot get over the hump of this headache. I found a knot where it’s manifesting in my throat/neck and I’ve done so much ice/heat/rubbing it’s sore. I see my neurologist tomorrow, so that’s great.

I got so many things done today that I think I’m like 2 major issues away from being able to sit back and relax…holy shit…that can’t be right. Can it?

Addressing what I can remember:

Pill planner, with 3 daily segments. I got sick of the “but I never take pills at night” and showing her the Pravastatin “…of an evening” label and just point at the “night” symbol.

Now she’s not arguing with me–she’s arguing with the doctors. “Mom I’m just doing what the doctor says. Sorry.”

How do I keep pills safe? I just put them out of line of sight. She’s that simple. I have a weird drawer that used to be full of big expensive candles that my wonderful SO gave to her employees and now it’s a random pill pit for my mom’s junk.

I have cameras up–security, doors locked in such a manner that you would have to literally break glass (really “Home Alone” level of engineering going on, I’m a little proud. I DARE YOU to break in). There’s also motion cameras located in the main interior where no one can walk through without my phone getting an alert.

I didn’t do the signs. Same rationalé–they’ll bust in if they want. I took the car keys to the old car. It needs a batter to run so I figure good luck with no title no keys etc.

What else…? My fucking head is KILLING ME. My appointment tomorrow cannot come soon enough. But I hope by next weekend I can relax a lot. Got my mom a pretty $$ nice outfit for the wedding. She’s so modest and bashful when it comes to her appearance and spending money on herself for clothes–

Some antique bauble–she’ll pony up. Her last best son’s ONLY wedding? “Eh that’s too much money.” We finally just made her try something on and once she illuminated we snatched it and paid for it. Now she feels like royalty.

I am not 100% sure the vultures won’t do or try to pull something petty so I’m going to get a bouncer for the wedding.

What a sentence I just had to write…

hugs Sending good vibes your way, particularly for the next few days.

Never got to throw down on the word “baubles” before…also I spelled it right the first time out of the gate.

This post is to apologize for all the typos and junk wording above. I’m not in a editorial mode.

I cannot wait to hitch my wagon to this dreamboat’s star.

…she’s not even a dreamboat, my dreams were inadequate.

Good luck at the neurologist appointment. I hope you get some relief. Your wedding day should be painless! :slight_smile:

It sounds like you have the home security all set. Good for you! And kudos on getting Mom pretty new duds for the big day. I hope you’re patting yourself on the back for each of these ideas and accomplishments.

As for the pills…gotta say, I’m a little worried. Allow me to explain why. My sister hid the car keys from her DH when the dementia got bad enough. She said he’d never find them and besides, she was a light sleeper. One day she woke up at 5 a.m. to find him and the car gone. He’d left his cell phone and wallet at home. She was worried sick. The cops were wonderful. Luckily, he stopped at a local hotel, and the owner recognized the dementia, got his name (He still remembered.), and let him have a room. Then she called my sister’s landline.

The scary part is that the car’s tank was full the day before, and now it was empty. The car had mud all over it. He thought he was in Galveston, TX, 4 hours from their town. Nobody knows where he’d been or what he went through.

After that, my sister got a lockbox. The moral of the story is, “Tactics work until they don’t.” My sister was positive her DH wouldn’t leave the house without her and would never find the keys. Wrong and wrong.

Seriously, please get the pills into a more secure location. Maybe your mom won’t find them where they are, but if she does and takes too many, you’ll never forgive yourself.

And no need to apologize for typos. You’ve got a lot on your mind!

If @nelliebly will allow, I heartily echo her advice. Get a lockbox with a combination lock and stash all meds (hers AND yours) in it. Ideally, don’t let your mom see that her meds are in it so she doesn’t waste energy or peace of mind trying to ‘get my pills’.

Loved your description of finding her an outfit worthy of the special day.

A post was merged into an existing topic: RangerLoops troll posts

What happened here? I’m confused and a bit worried.

@carnut : The “split topic”? A sock reappeared here late last night, and posted trollish stuff on a bunch of threads, before he (and his posts) could be cornfielded by a moderator (who moved all of the offending posts into one thread before removing it). See this thread for explanation:

Thank you @kenobi_65

Yeah, there was some pretty reprehensible stuff. The sock/troll said horrible stuff on this thread. I was worried Dr.Colossus would see and get upset, but the mods were swift and efficient, so no worries.

Thanks for the info, I wondered too. Indeed I did not see any of the troll content.

I’m kind of taking a break from the computer as much as I can as we prepare for this weekend. I’ll update when I have some time.

Take all the time you need and have a wonderful wedding.

Have a wonderful wedding! We’ll be here when you have the time and inclination to post. :wedding: :confetti_ball: :champagne:

Have a great day and enjoy your wedding…Congratulations!!

Fourthing, or whatever.

Best wishes on your wedding!

I’m mostly just venting, so don’t start scrambling to find me some answers. Also I’ve ran down about every avenue I can think but I’m just turning up empty.

There is, apparently not a single agency or association or business who can watch/keep or stay with mom.

EVERY SINGLE PLACE I have called has punted me off to someone else. Many of them are pushing me off on several other people.

My State Agency on Aging shrugged and gave me the number to the NATIONAL ALZ hotline, who I called AND THEY TOLD ME TO CALL MY LOCAL AGENCY ON AGING.

I have been told the agency I need has been shut down.

What’s more, all the info my APS agent gave me is useless and/or just simply not true. Nothing malicious, they just throw names and numbers and don’t quite have the details straight. Stuff like “oh she gets free legal aid so make sure your lawyer knows.” NO, she can call Legal Aid for a free consultation, not even remotely the same thing. Again, well intended but she gave me a list of respite centers and none of them do that. One of them, called [My State] Foundation gives you a list of “press this or that number” and every single number says it’s invalid. “Press 0 to speak to the front desk. Zero is not a valid entry…”

I tried Visiting Angels and Home Instead–both of them said they needs weeks ahead to do assessments and none of them do short-duration, there’s week(s) long minimums.

Same with in-patient facilities.

Every single place I have called is a dead end. I’ve called all the offices our agent gave us, then called all the agencies they told me to call. There simply does not exist any possible solution to me GETTING MY WEDDING NIGHT ALONE other than me just finding someone I trust and paying them. And I had someone lined out, but they have turned ill and I’m worried about them even staying alive much longer.

As if all of this wasn’t aggravating enough, mom is just the worst the last few days. I mean she’s the worst of all worlds–she’s remembering enough to be mad and upset but can’t remember enough for us to be able to find a solution. She’s super bent out of shape I won’t leave her alone after my wedding. She’s angry and demanding things, like she keeps demanding to get in the car and just leave. I can’t explain anything in any manner that isn’t upsetting. When I tell her I have an APS case open against me and that dad many years ago assigned me as her guardian, how I can’t just “let her go” do anything because I’m responsible for her safety, that just makes her feel like she has no control or any say so. I legitimately do not know how to handle it, because this all started because she’s indignant she can’t be alone. There’s no excuse good enough for why someone else needs to be here. She’s mad the doctors won’t tell her anything (they have) and even when she reads their paperwork, she just shuts down. She keeps asking why dad would have let this go so long without her knowing…

ALZ is fucked up enough just by the nature of it. The fact that NO ONE wants to touch an ALZ patient without a long pole and a hazmat suit and a million months notice just proves what an impossible disease this is. Even the places I’ve called who list “Memory Care” on their sites balk when I tell them she can’t remember she can’t remember. “Oh we’re not set up to handle that…”

All I know is at some point in my life I’ve clearly upset a witch.

She’s clearly upset that you try so hard as a son and her son didn’t. She senses your stress level and that raises hers. Deep breath. Onward.

That is so sweet. :heart_eyes:

If you want suggestions, please let us know. Otherwise, best wishes and felicitations on your nuptials! May you have many happy years together.