Dad's going into a nursing home. I'm upset.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

If the siblings don’t speak to each other, and Dad’s got health issues, (which he won’t discuss with you, as is his perfect right), and he doesn’t want to live with you, and Sis can’t handle the care, I don’t see how this is going to resolve itself, any other way, to be honest.

She’s found a place he has agreed to, and she’s in a better position to know his needs than you, at this point, why upset the applecart? Shouldn’t you be happy they’ve found a solution your Dad’s good with, and leave it at that? As for the finances, it seems most likely his house will be sold to pay for his care expenses.

This family clearly has had, and continues to have, some pretty serious issues, with communication and trust. That being the case, this outcome is not that bad really. No one is being abused, he’s going to a place he helped pick, willingly it seems. His house should pay for it, I’m not seeing the problem beyond no one consulting you about it. Certainly that would have been ideal.

But you say none of them talk to you, your Dad doesn’t want to discuss his health issues with you. And they felt more comfortable making this difficult choice without you in the loop. Perhaps, and I’m just guessing here, it’s because your issues will just make a difficult thing, that much harder for everyone.

Instead of making trouble, consider stepping back, until you have some actual hard evidence that something untoward has occurred. I’m not seeing any in what you’ve told us, to be honest. Beyond getting your nose out of joint, because you didn’t make these choices.

22

Any chance you could get a two bedroom apartment (with him paying for the difference in rent with whatever funds are allotted to pay for the nursing home) to give you both some privacy?

I dunno. Yes, if I was purely trying to cheer you up, I’d tell you that some assisted living facilities are great, and are basically permanent frat parties for older folks. It’s true that a well run, well staffed elder home is a great thing. And it’s true - there are some really good assisted living facilities out there.

But in the interest of total honesty, there are still a lot of shitholes out there, too. These are the ones with mostly Medicare patients, one RN to 60 residents, falsified medical records, restraints used when they’re not medically warranted and bed baths once a week 'cause there’s no staff to help people every day (that’s not an exaggeration, that was an actual job offer I got. I declined. I worked too hard to get my license to lose it working for a place like that).

If assisted living is the way to go, please, please, please, check the place out. Go in person, at an unannounced time, and see if they let you walk around. See if they let you talk to the residents without a staff member hovering over you. Check out the BBB and the state’s website for reports/complaints about the facility. Find out the name of the Supervising RN and look up her license for any complaints. Ditto the medical director.

Most importantly, once he’s there, visit a lot. It sucks, but people with more visitors tend to get better care. If it’s a long way from you, I’d go so far as to suggest that you get an extended stay hotel room in the area for a month and go see him nearly every day for the first month.

23

My sister prepared a wonderful suite in her waterfront home for her mother, my stepmother, and yet she chose to stay in assisted living. My father in law, with Alzheimers is enjoying assisted living with his fully mentally functioning girl friend 2 doors down the hall. At some point he’ll have to go to the next level of care.

Us kids visit them often and take them home for dinner now and then.
When I get to their level of age related disability, I fully look forward to be looked after by cheerful professionals, rather than be a burden on my loved ones no matter how much they tell me they want to look after me.

24

Now I’m confused. OP says ‘Nursing Home’, which several people have referenced.

But sister specified ‘Assisted Living’, which is a different thing altogether.

(Where I live that means, independent apartments, with facilities like a dinningroom, possibly with room service abilities, barber/hairdresser on site, people on hand to help with lifting etc, a van and driver available to book for appointments, shopping etc, visiting nurses, plus concierge services sometimes.)

I don’t see anything sinister in Dad preferring that to living with his kids. When families are dysfunctional it’s hard to know what’s real, what’s projection of past issues. Especially when it comes to judging the motivations of siblings, or timing of events. It’s all too easy to imagine things not actually in evidence.

If Dad’s happy with his choice that should be the end of it.

25

That’s odd in a Bosda thread. I’d have predicted timely, concise, accurate and clear responses from Bosda for everyone’s follow-up questions.

26

If Dad did not invite you into the deliberations, then I don’t see why Heather should have. I know it must suck to be on the outs, but when a person’s health is failing and they are watching their independence slip away, they are not obligated to hold a “Meet the Press” forum where the matter gets straightened out by committee. It seems like the decision was made by the two most involved people. Your father and your sister.

I wouldn’t want to share a one-bedroom with anyone, especially if we’ve already had a strained history of living together. And especially if I knew I might be burdensome. And it’s not easy to take care of a person. Your sister isn’t being selfish. She was being KIND to let him live with her in the first place. And your father is being kind to you by not complicating your life (even if you don’t see it that way).

I would try to find the silver lining here (your father may actually make some new friends, get better treatment, and may actually like his new digs, while your sister and her family catches a much-needed break), rather than making this about you and your resentment about being left out. Take this as an opportunity to get more involved, if possible.

27

My grandmother lived in an assisted living apartment for a while. She was very happy in it, and enjoyed the company, while relishing the privacy of her own mini-apartment. She got three good meals a day which she didn’t have to shop for, cook, and then clean up. She had a mini kitchen, so she COULD cook if she wanted to, but mostly she just made coffee in it. She had housekeeping help. The place had a beauty salon and some other amenities, and three times a week, the residents had the opportunity to go to WalMart in a van.

Grandma was a hard woman to live with, and she nearly drove my parents crazy when she lived with them. She had her own apartment for a while, but she needed to go into assisted living, and then into a nursing home.

My own parents went into a nursing home last year. My mother has a pretty advanced case of Alzheimer’s, and my father had his own health issues and could no longer take care of her. She really needs a lockdown facility, as she had wandered outside several times at night, and it gets cold where they live. The nursing home that my sister found has a lot of enrichment activities, such as musical performances by some of the residents, arts and crafts lessons, worship services, things like that. The place is pleasant, and the lockdown wing has an aviary in a small lobby and a large fish tank in the dining room. The attendants check to see how much the residents eat at each meal, and if someone is not eating on a regular basis, then the medical staff is called in. The place welcomes visits from relatives, and my sister frequently eats dinner there, at the huge price of $2 for dinner. The people who run this nursing home charge this little because they WANT the residents to have visitors, who will help cheer up the residents and keep them in better health. My dad enjoyed the place until the day he died, and my mother still enjoys it.

What I’m saying is, this was the best choice for my parents and grandmother. Being in an assisted living or nursing home might be a more pleasant life than being in a private home, where the one person who assists you has to have some down time, and might resent you.

28

Bosda, I’m sorry to hear that you’re worried about your dad. If it’s assisted living that he’s going for, it’s likely one of the best things he’ll have done in years.

When I was in college, I worked in the nursing home part of a retirement community. kopek had it right with what he said about getting into the better facilities: it’s much easier to go into assisted living in a good one when you’re relatively healthy and if/when you need to, transition through the levels of care. Otherwise, it’s pretty difficult to find one of the better ones when your health really takes a nosedive.

Most of the folks in independent and assisted living at the facility where I worked loved it. There were planned trips, all kinds of clubs and activities (including a men’s softball team in independent living!), social life, medical staff easily available (people in independent living had access to skilled nursing care on site when needed, such as returning from the hospital, PT, dental care, etc), services like barber shop / hair salon and auto shop and hobby rooms (woodworking, quilting, etc). One of the residents told me that she rarely got many visitors out on her farm and once she quit driving, she was very isolated until she made the move.

It may not be a bad thing for your dad, but like others have said, do your homework once he narrows it down to a few communities.

29

Re: Assisted Living vs. Nursing Home.

As far as I know, there is not a legal or ironclad difference. “Assisted Living Facilities” rose in the 1990’s, as a backlash against institutionalized nursing homes. The idea was to cater to the “too independent for a nursing home, not independent enough for private residence” crowd. In reality, I’ve seen plenty of places that call themselves “assisted living” which look and run just like old-school nursing homes, perhaps with added kitchenettes. In fact, Medicare defines “Assisted Living” as:

And this for “nursing homes”:

Those don’t look very different to me. Is there something significant that I’m missing, other than Medicare specifically excluding things called “nursing homes”? If I was just a slightly more suspicious person, I’d wonder if “Assisted Living Facilities” have been created specifically so that Medicare will pay for your [del]nursing home[/del] assisted living facility.

I’m also now seeing “Independent Living for Seniors” on signs. These seem to be the “apartment with a small kitchen, but there’s a community room downstairs” types. Mostly healthy and ambulatory seniors who might get visits from the home health nurse (me!) but don’t need constant medical supervision. The closest Medicare description I see is thisone:

30

Nursing Home and Assisted Living are two separate things, with specific descriptions. Medicare will only pay for short-term help, as for after surgery, in nursing/rehab facility. I believe assisted living is 100% pay yourself. MEDICARE won’t pay for nursing home care. MEDICAID will, after a period of time and your own resources are minimum.

31

assisted living can be a good thing. living at your own home then socializing with your peers means travel to locations such as others homes or gathering places, this may be infrequent. in assisted living it means a walk down the hall. there might be planned game events in a large dining room. meal plans available for some or all meals. there might also be a computer room to give email and communication for those without a computer.

32

I’m uncomfortable with the notion that Assisted Living Facilities are in general more based around what the government will pay for (read one small step away from a scam) than as a legitimate transitional space between truly independent living and skilled nursing care. (This is one part squeamishness, and one part honest belief that it’s not just a scam. )

Of course some of what you are seeing is that since both assisted living and nursing home facilities offer a range of services to meet the needs of a variety of people in various circumstances, on paper there’s some overlap.

I also hear that not-for-profit senior centers (of the sort that have everything from independent living and/or subsidized independent living to skilled nursing) use exactly the same terminology and strategies to make money as the for profit kind.

Except well, they don’t actually call it profit–it’s discretionary funds or something.

But yes, even the good kind of places can be disturbingly focused on money if you peek behind the pink floral wallpaper.

And there are oddities that pop up–Great Aunt Poster Child still has her car–her family would prefer she gave it up willingly rather than taking it forcibly. But because she’s in Assisted Living, someone will de-snow her car, and move it, if needed so the lot can be plowed, for her. Which is not exactly incentive to say “Aw, the car’s too much trouble, why don’t you dispose of it for me?” to a helpful family member.

33

I’m going to say that even if it isn’t the truth. :smiley:

As for the OP - it’s way too short on details to judge further than what is posted, so I’ll just run with that: I have tons of sympathy for Heather. I can’t imagine taking care of an elderly parent with medical needs so embarrassing/elaborate that he won’t go into detail about them with his son, much less raise a daughter at the same time.

34

I talked to my BIL this AM.

According to him, Dad has only left the house once since he moved in almost 2 years ago.
The rest of the time, he just refuses.
Now, talking with dad this afternoon, 2 new things are showing up–a possible (not likely) re-think by my brother in Florida. Or Dad going to live with his Sister.

Dad keeps changing the concept. He’s done similar things before.

Also, assisted living, not a nursing home, seems to the one target, according to my BIL.

35

So what have you been doing for him in the past two or three years since he was sick? And now you want some input into his living arrangement? Your father doesn’t owe you or anyone else an explanation. Call him once a week like a good child and MYOB.

36

Yeah Id be upset too. Heather’s a bitch for sure. I’ve seen it time and time again working as a Personal Care Assistant. Old folk, still with us as it were dumped in places with around the clock bitches prodding and poking them endlessly and needlessly. They wonder what they did wrong to their families, give up hope and die bitter. Well done society!

It wouldn’t be so bad in these places if only they were allowed to bring their bad habits with them to keep them company. I mean some of these old folks have spent 80 odd years refining and fine tuning these bad habits only to be forced to retrain their brains and give them up overnight. Fuck that. If they want to smoke in their rooms, pick their noses and flick the snot all over the place then let them. PCA’s get paid to clean the place up. Let the old folk die with their indignity still intact I say. So there!

37

“Assisted Living Facilities”, “nursing homes” and “independent senior living” all refer to slightly different things. Medicare will not pay for any of them , except for a short stay in a skilled nursing facility/nursing home for rehab after hospitalization.

“Independent senior living” are basically retirement communities or apartment buildings. There might be social/recreational activities,laundry service, transportation, or meals provided or it might just be an apartment building restricted to those over a certain age.

“Assisted living” is for those who need some assistance with daily activities such as dressing or bathing or for those who need constant supervision , such as Alzheimer’s patients.

Either of the above may have medical services available on-site, but it’s done as a convenience in the same way that there might be a hair salon on-site.

"Nursing homes " are for those who need skilled nursing or medical care,or who require a great deal of assistance. My father , for example , does not need constant medical care. However, he is unable to do anything for himself. He was paralyzed on one side after a stroke, and for reasons unknown to me has lost the use of the other side of his body and has become incontinent. He requires too much care for an assisted living facility. When he’s been in nursing homes, he is assigned to a doctor on staff there, and has an assigned nurse ( LPN ,I assume) for each shift, just as he would in a hospital. Medic**aid **will pay for a nursing home just as it will for home attendants.

There’s a huge price difference associated with that extra care - assisted living in NYC costs about $3-4000/month while a nursing home costs more like $10,000 a month

38

He’s been living in my Sister’s home in Florida.
And I am not welcome there.

Today’s non-event: I phoned him & offered to help, again offering to share my condo, & also offering to look for local assisted living arrangements.

Dad hemmed & hawed, & I can’t pin him down to anything.

I made certain he had my home number, & I will back off for a day or two, so he can make up his mind a little.

39

:: makes note ::

Okay, I can arrange that, but it will be somewhat expensive.

40

That’s very generous of you, but I remember earlier threads in which you complained about the difficulty of living in the same house as your father. It’s going to be much harder if you’re both in a one-bedroom condo and his health is worse. Assisted living might be the best thing for him.