My, my. This has degenerated a bit since I was last here.
I just want to adress something said on the last page.
I absolutely agree. I feel that the one of the main benefits of martial arts (other than the fact that it’s fun!) is the confidence it instills. I believe that if a person knows he/she has the ability to defend themself effectively, they project that confidence in their body language and attitude, and therefore become a much less appealing target for potential bullies. So just having the ability to fight effectively often means that you will never have to.
being a non-violent type generally, i say junior should POP THAT BULLY RIGHT IN THE NOSE at the first instant he starts to give him any shit.
think Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”.
i had one fight in school. it consisted of one punch. it seems that one of the class losers was looking to raise his stock as a bad-ass and chose me (why me? i was a loser too?) to pick a fight with. he comes up and does the old push-push “come on, man!”. after the second time he pushed me, i calmly asked him, “hey, rich, is this a fight?”. he says “yeah, man! come on!”. so i punched him in the nose. the look on his face was unbeleavable. it was like getting punched was the LAST thing he expected! that was it. it was over.
i will teach my kid to avoid trouble, but i will not allow him to be victimized by others. if he is being harrassed, he will know what to do.
This has been, without a doubt, the most fascinating thread I have read to date on the SDMB. Thank you.
The discussion has been well thrashed out, I think, but Shake’s comment above opens another line. The idea of “softness.” First, it bears recalling that Ghandi’s approach (and later, Martin luther King’s) was fairly effective in bringing about massive political change. (Another way to look at it is to say that perhaps if the U.S. had a more Ghandian approach to world politics, then the terrible events of 9/11 would never have happened. Who knows?)
However, I realize that playground life is probably not going to respond well to such tactics, at least on the child’s level. Therefore, I cast my two cents in support of the balanced-try-talking-to-everyone-you-can-approach, supported by teaching my sons that they may defend themselves.
In my family, this is already well supported by the fact that we are very active in judo, but recently came to a real test, when my oldest, an eight-year old, let us know about a problem he had been experiencing at school. Because he is a good kid, and because of the kind of conflict-resolution training inherent in our judo culture, he had already done much of the “talking” strategy mentioned by many here. No results. His next step was to put it in writing for his teachers and to ask his mother and I what else he could possibly do.
This is when I let him know that I was terrifically proud of him, and that if it came to fight I would support him. His biggest worry, like Shake’s kid, was getting in trouble for fighting. This tells me two things: 1, my son values the rule of law and recognizes that violence is not an easy option. 2, that the bullying he had experienced had not shaken his confidence in his own sense of worth.
I guess this means that, in order for the balanced approach to work, what I have found is that it is not simply martial arts training that has worked for my family, but a whole culture which both accepts violence as a part of life, and works to teach people to reject it whenever possible.
And, for the record, the talking has worked. Getting me involved and talking to his teachers has resulted in some intelligent restructuring of groups which do not make it obvious that one kid has “squealed.” So far, no new problems.
Violence should be the last refuge.
But that doesn’t mean it should be ruled out altogether.
One thing that I think we should keep in mind is that the “right response” will vary depending on what the bully is doing. If the bully is just taunting the kid and calling him names, a punch in the face is inappropriate (and provioking the fight).
On the other hand, if the bully is pushing/hitting/attacking the kid, then a punch in the face is absolutely appropriate.
Were this happening to my son, I’d have a meeting with his teacher and the school administration to tell them that I find it unacceptable that bullying is going on under their very noses. I would tell them that I expect them to contact the bully’s parents and tell them of this concern, and then hold the bully’s parents responsible if this behavior continues.
If, after that, it was continuing, I’d meet with the bully’s parents myself, with my child and their child present, to voice my concerns.
Most parents don’t want their children to terrorize other kids at school, and they may not even be aware that it’s going on. When it’s brought to their attention, either by the school or by the victim’s parents, they’ll make sure to put the kibosh on this activity immediately.
(I’m not sure if this has been posted or not, I haven’t read the whole thread, but I got the general idea).
From the beginning of the year, your child must learn to form alliances. Now, one may argue that this is a stone’s throw away from a gang, but its just like buisness. You watch my back, I watch your’s, and the bully can’t get any of us. Shake Jr. was talking about how kids were lauhging at him, they don’t sound like the greatest friends he has.
While it may be a little late to form alliances now, try going to play with other groups of people and sort of “chameleon” his way in. Especially if this group is by the teacher, he’d certainly gain positive attention.