I really love that one, too. Our Jean has done some stupid shit in her time, but that eBay thing was classic!
The Onion does not take unsolicited submissions, ever, from anybody. In fact, it’s my understanding they won’t even physically keep them around.
See, they get hundreds of them a week, and it’s virtually inevitable that sooner or later they will write and publish an article vaguely similar to one that had been sent in X months ago by T. Joeblow from Madison, WI. So they face a nightmare of copyright fights if they have unsolicited submissions lying around. their standing policy is thus not to accept or retain any.
But thanks for the compliments. 