Last night I pulled up The Onion, thinking the new “issue” or whatever you want to call it would be up. No such luck. Tried it again tonight and saw that it won’t be updated again until the 15th. Dammit! I was looking forward to a new one! Aren’t we about due for another Jean Teasdale? She is a scream!
Not much of a rant, is it.
No, but I feel your pain.
Thank you, kabbes. 
Actually, I think it is time for a new Herbert Kornfeld. And don’t you go dissin him lest he come after you with the Letta Opena of Death.
Actually, I think my fondest hope for the Onion is that the H-Dawg and the Sharpie-head go on a rampage and take out that no-skillz-havin’ Jean Teasdale. And Jackie Harvey, if they get a chance.
Where’s Smoove B been lately?
And bring back T. Herman.
Count me in on wanting the new Onion - but unless I’m confused (which is certainly possible), there is a new AV Club page this week, and I suppose that’s better than nothing.
Area women predicts “Onion not as good as it used to be” sentiment to be expressed within next ten posts.
Area man reads comment, laughs. Keyboard analogy strained once again.
Point-Counterpoint: The Onion
The Onion Isn’t As Good As It Used To Be
by Joseph Phan
I guess it’s true what they say; you can’t go home again. Ever since they moved their offices to New York, The Onion isn’t as good as it used to be.
I used to really like the Onion, but it’s become derivative of itself. It’s the same tired, recycled ideas, and they just aren’t as sharp as they used to be. Compare the incisive brilliance of “British Government Releases Scandalous Benny Hill Tapes” to the relatively mediocre “Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers U.S. One Last Chance To Surrender.” And let’s be honest; Jean Teasdale isn’t the same anymore.
The magic of the Onion was always its Midwestern sensibility. A balanced view on national and international matters, unhindered by the super-urban zeitgeist of New York life gave the Onion the ability to clearly perceive the absurdity of the very society they were a part of. It was this clarity of understanding, tempered with the realization that they were themselves a part of the circus of life they lampooned, that made the Onion so brilliant.
And it’s no coincidence that the downfall of The Onion happened at the same time they extended their national distribution and got into radio and films. Let’s be honest; like so many of our great pop artists, they’ve sold out. I hold out little hope that The Onion will return to its former glory. But like my 70’s Blondie tapes and my copy of THX-1138, I have my copies of mid-90s Onions as a reminder of how good they used to be.
Fuck You, You Pretentious Asshole
by Robert Siegel, Editor, The Onion
God, I am sick of this bullshit. “The Onion sucks now, The Onion sucks now!” YOU suck now, and you always have sucked. Fuck you, you pretentious asshole.
Do you know when people starting saying “The Onion isn’t as good as it used to be?” Page 2 of the first fucking edition, that’s when. By Edition 3 it was already fixated in the minds of pop-culture obsessed weenie-boys that we’d fallen off a cliff. What a load of bullshit. Have a look at the archives and ask any one of these nerdlings to figure out which articles are old and which are recent, and they wouldn’t know which was which, because it’s all bullshit. We’re just as funny as ever. The Onion’s popularity allows us to get better writers and since we’re making good money we all work full time at it now.
Do you know how hard it is to write a weekly newspaper and come up with twenty of thirty good jokes? It’s really hard. We come up with fifty ideas a week and only ten or twenty make it. Every article is written, vetted, rewritten, edited, and reviewed again and again to make sure it’s just right and get maximum laughs in a minimum space. On top of that we don’t just have the article to worry about; we have to do the AV club, run the financials, do print and Web print setup and publishing, media relations, work with our sponsors, do all the graphic design, and do all the administrative, payroll, and infrastructure work. I work sixteen hour days and nobody in this office goes home before 7:30. We work like hell to give people something to laugh about. You think you can do this job better, you ungrateful piece of shit?
I can put up with this bullshit from the mental midgets because we get 5,000 letters a week from our fans telling us how much they love the paper and how it brings a smile to their face every day. Last year we got tens of thousands of letters from people telling us how our Attack on America special helped them deal with 9/11. So I’ll tell you what; if you think The Onion sucks now, why don’t you take your last issue and jam it straight up your Midwestern ass? I’ll cancel your subscription for you, dickwad.
I’m lucky enough to be able to pick up the paper copy, which was published, and sorry Rilch, no Teasdale. None of the regulars in the latest issue dated may 9-15. I’m an Anchower fan myself, dudes.
Nice article on "Nations Dog Owners Demand to Know Who’s a Good Boy’, and a ‘Spritually Correct Jeebus’.
Rick J… classic. Should be included in the Onion itself.
[grumpy old man]
As a long-time Onion reader, I’m just here to say that they started going downhill when they swtiched to color. The old black&white Onion’s were the best. Then they sold out in an attempt to capture the USA Today crowd with all their fancy graphics and whatnot. [/grumpy old man]
BTW, thanks Big Cheese for reminding me to go pick up a paper copy, Id’ almost forgot it was Thursday!
I think the single funniest thing about Herbert Kornfeld is his picture.
Oh, and his columns are 10 times better if you read them out loud.
Didn’t they already have an article of that title?
They may have already used it, they’ve been known to recycle articles. I’d say once every 6-8 weeks or so I’ll see an article they used previously.
The dog owner one I’m sure I’ve seen. I remember turning to Ern-dog at the time and demanding to know if he had a clue who the Good Boy might in fact be. I am also SHOCKED to hear that The Onion re-articulates. Gah! Is nothing sacred?
Sounds like somebody needs to take a chocolate pill! I mean, I know Jean is no glamour queen, but as a loyal Jeanketeer, I just can’t get enough of her silly escapades (too bad hubby Rick can’t see the humor in her mishaps!). Let a smile be your umbrella (though in her case it would have to be an extra-large umbrella!).
All kidding aside, my absolute favorite JT column is this one. I think that in order to find satire funny, you have to be able to see yourself in it, or at least someone you know. I once knew someone who valued her Thomas Kincade paintings the way Jean prizes her Precious Moments figurines, and another person who was painfully unfunny while thinking they were genuinely funny, as she does. And, sad to say, I’ve known the world of denial in which she lives. Long live Jean Teasdale!
For the record, the Onion puts out a “Best Of” issue every few months or so. (That includes this week.) It gives them some time off. They’ve been doing it for at least 7 years now.
Local man strains keyboard analogy yet again after reading RickJay’s Onion parody.
Is this a great world or what, when a satirical magazine can itself be parodied in such a funny way?
Seriously, I’m with kabbes: send it in!!