Wesley,
Hey thanks for the offer, Friday is going to be a busy day for me, so I don’t
think I can make it. Have fun and good luck on the rest of your finals.
Her
Cut and dried blow off IMO. But at least it was a polite one.
To answer Trunk’s question: Yes, what Indiana University calls an “AI” (associate instructor) is, as far as I can tell, the same thing that most other institutions call a “TA” (or teaching assistant).
Also, I don’t know, man. Finals week is a notorious for being rough on AIs. Maybe if she’s still there next semester and you ran into each other, you could chat some (plus it might be a little less awkward if you weren’t in her class then…).
So, uh… which would be the good reaction, there?
Sorry about the strike out, Wesley. Better luck next time.
I’m sorry to hear she turned you down, but hey, at least now you know – always better to be rejected than to be left wondering what might have been, IMO.
And it needn’t even be that big a blow to the ego, since you can say to yourself that she probably just doesn’t like to date people she’s had as students. Which is understandable – even if the semester’s over and it’s totally innocent, it doesn’t really look good to suddenly start dating one of your ex-students. I could make people think that there might have been something going on earlier.
In the spirit of christmas I asked another woman from class out via email today. I have no idea if/when she’ll respond though. I figure my odds should improve with 2 asks. But my odds of that person freaking out and getting uncomfortable when I have to see them again go up too. Either way.
Keep it up!! Quantity, not necessarily quality. And what I mean by this, is:
You seem to be only asking out girls that you really, really, like. Because you have a certain level of nervousness around women, it isn’t until a person’s level of attractiveness surpasses it that you’ll actually ask them out.
Damn, did that make any sense??
Basically, start asking out many girls. Not just the ones that you are Super-Pumped about. Ask out a variety of girls. Maybe the one with the nice smile, the sense of humor, the similar interest. Almost any girl can be good company. Don’t wait around until you find “that girl” before you’ll ask one out. This is the true joy of dating. Then you might be suprised at how you really start to like one of them, in a way you wouldn’t have expected when you first met her.
You need to start using “dating” as a tool to get to know people. It appears you are getting to know them through other means and then, only after you start to really like them through that other interaction, you decide to build up the courage to ask them out.
Know what’s going on around campus beforehand. Have something in mine. Or a particular movie you like or something. Whenever you happen to talk to a girl for few minutes, throw out an invitation. “I’m going to Such and Such on Friday, if you wanna come along, I’ll give you a call”.
She’ll either accept by giving you her number, or she’ll just say she can’t or some crap. If she declines. Just be like, “Oh that’s cool. Well I gotta go. Hey, give me a call sometime.”
“At this point she’ll either ask for you number or she wont”. If she doesn’t, oh well. Who cares, you’ve known the chick for all of five minutes anyway. On the otherhand, she might be like, “I don’t have your number” or something. Then just give her the number and go about your business.
Just so it’s clear, I’m not implying you lower your standards or some crap like that. I’m talking about the girls you find attractive, but you don’t get that “wow I really like her and i wonder how on earth I’ll ask her out” feeling from them. Ironic that only after a girl gives you that “I’m way too nervous to ask her out” feeling, do you actually find it worthwhile to ask her out.
You might even find it easier to ask out the girls that aren’t intimidating you by their persona. This will increase confidence, and thus increase the percentage of "Yes"es you get. Then you’ll have the confidence to tackle the girls that you really, really, really like.
So hopefully that makes sense. Don’t lower you standards, and tell anyone who gives you such advice to go fuck off. You know there are a lot of pretty girls you see everyday, that you don’t necessarily give a shit about. Start asking them out. Some will say yes. Some will suprise you and you’ll learn stuff about them and get to know them and you will really start to like them.
So think of dating as the way to get to know someone. Not the way to “catch” the girl you’ve already gotten to know and have started to like.
A fine point to consider. When I went through my TA training, I was told no less than 3 times not to get romantically involved with students!! The ethical boundaries definitely get crossed there (they might just wonder why they didn’t get the higher grade) and if they felt particularly slighted, that could be considered sexual harassment.
It’s just bad form, all in all, to get involved with students.
(My advisor did say “On December 17th, after your grades are all in, go ahead and ask the prettiest girl in the class out”, though 
)
LMFAO
Oh god I’m good at this. that other girl just responded
“i think you have me confused with someone else? How do i know you?”
This is great (she must not recognize me just by my email address since we are on a first name basis), hell this is actually more entertaining than a date itself if you ask me.
Incidentally how should I respond to give her ‘outs’ while both of us keep our dignity? I don’t even think I want a date anymore just to get out of this humorous/embarassing situation. This reminds me why I quit asking women out in the summer (i used to ask women out all the time, now I remember why I quit doing it).
I was thinking of
“We had inorganic together, I sit in the front row and I was usually doing my homework with Alison’s group. I was going to go to an art exhibit friday and wondered if you were not busy and wanted to go”
Quick, what was your original message to her? You are on firstname basis with her or not? You have talked to her before? Or no? Without knowing what you said originally, I’d go with:
My bad. You know, I meant to send that email to SortaPretty_Grl_@My_InorganicsClass.com but maybe I mistyped it? Or maybe not… don’t you sit near that back of Mr. Johnson’s Inorganics Class? I sat up in the front row and usually did my homework with Allisson’s Group.
Anyway, (insert her name), you’re the one interesting person in class I didn’t get to know better so I decided to send you an email.
I’m going to an art exhibit Friday, and you need to come along. It’s a local display of early conservative Victorian oil on canvas. (or whatever the hell the exhibit is)It should be a decent afternoon, and we’ll go to Nice Outdoor Cafe, afterwards for an early dinner. We’d be back by 6pm or so. I need to be back kinda early because I have to get ready for (Some big party!!) Friday night.
So anyway, try to let me know by 2 or 3 tomorrow if you’re up for it!
-Wesley
Or, depending…
Whatever, Ashley. It’s Wesley. You know… large studly guy in the front row of Mr. Johnson’s Inorganics! Don’t worry, exams have fried my memory too. I guess we’ll need to get to know each other all over again. I have an idea how we can get started:
I’m going to an art exhibit Friday, and you need to come along. It’s a local display of early conservative Victorian oil on canvas. (or whatever the hell the exhibit is)It should be a decent afternoon, and we’ll go to Nice Nearby Outdoor Cafe, afterwards for an early dinner. We’d be back by 6pm or so. I need to be back kinda early because I have to get ready for (Some big party!!) Friday night.
So anyway, try to let me know by 2 or 3 tomorrow if you’re up for it!
-Wesley
Oh… it just occurred to me that it might be too cold wherever the hell you are for an outdoor type place to eat. Sorry, that’s the Florida in me talking. Just mention something nice that’s nearby. Something that IS NOT A CHAIN RESTARAUNT.
I’m thinking this:
“Its “Wesley” from inorganic. We worked together on some of the problem sets. You seemed like an interesting enough person from when we talked and I never really got a chance to talk to you as much as I did with Brian, Alison or Isaac. Since i’m going to an art exhibit before I leave I assumed this would be a nice enough chance to talk more. Its on the consequences of war and i’m hoping it’ll be an interesting”.
FTR, Brian and the others are other people in the class that i’ve talked to.
God, i’m hanging it up again.
Its “Wesley” from inorganic. We worked together on some of the problem sets. You
seemed like an interesting enough person from when we talked and I never really
got a chance to talk to you as much as I did with Brian, Alison, Amy & Isaac.
Since i’m going to an art exhibit before I leave I assumed this would be a nice
enough chance to talk more since alot of us who had inorganic will also have
pchem and analytical in fall of 2005. The exhibit is on the consequences of war
and i’m hoping it’ll be interesting but it might just be a thinly veiled attack
on Bush.
Thus ends my excellent adventures of asking women out via the internet.
The art exhibit or your date?
In the spirit of christmas (as if there were any other spirit) I asked the girl out that caught me eyeing her in summer. I usually put off asking women out until the end of classes in case they get really uncomfortable, that way we wont have to see each other again for 1-3 months. Hurrah for reason.
Anyway, she is busy, but she really is busy not a BS “washing my hair” busy. I overheard her talking to a friend about visiting Purdue and when I talked to her for a couple of minutes and asked her to an event this weekend she said she was going to Purdue this weekend. But her body language seemed to imply she was interested. When I talked to her I found out we have 2 classes in spring so I can talk to her more then.
As far as this other girl, i’m awaiting my reply. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a no or a platonic yes, but I figure why not fuck with her mentally as long as I have gone this far. I figure I can guilt her into going out with me by talking about how lonely and isolated I am. Then when we go to an art exhibit, I want to be all classy so i’m thinking of renting a tux. However I don’t want to spend all that money on a tux so maybe i’ll just rent a cumberbund. Since its an art expo wearing a cumberbund with a T-shirt and jeans is probably considered an arty thing and will make me the life of the party. I may also get a top hat like the kind Lincoln use to wear. What kind of wine that costs under $4 a bottle goes with a cumberbund and an art expo on war?
My hope is that by being needy and submissive she will take me in as a bored housewife takes in a stray cat. I will use all my cunning to accomplish this.
Woman here - Wesley, don’t be needy and submissive!!! Go read all the nice guy complaint threads around here. Women like confident but not arrogant. Look at the tone of voice in Nenno’s suggestions. Carefree and off the cuff, acting like you really couldn’t care less is more enticing than being needy. Better to pique her interest than guilt trip her. Be mysterious. Make her think she’ll have lighthearted fun, not spend the whole time feeding your needy ego.
Trader Joe’s has excellent wines for $4 or less, if there are any near you.
Words I’m no longer letting you use:
some
seemed
enough
really
as much
assumed
nice
chance
hoping
Oh, and you’re now limited to one “interesting” per paragraph.
I’m not a very good editor, but:
Its “Wesley” from inorganic. We worked together on some of the problem sets.
Try- It’s Wesley. I worked with you on some problem sets in inorganics.
You seemed like an interesting enough person from when we talked and I never really got a chance to talk to you as much as I did with Brian, Alison, Amy & Isaac.
Ok. This is way too verbose. I can practically see you standing there with your hands in your pockets, swaying back and forth and looking at your shoes.
Also some tips:
She doesn’t seem like an interesting enough person. She either IS or she ISN’T. And don’t say “interesting enough”. “Enough” is implied. If she wasn’t interesting enough you wouldn’t be emailing her. So just tell her she’s interesting.
You are, however, ok to say “kinda interesting” or “rather interesting” or some crap like this. Notice from my post above where I called her “kinda pretty”. That’s good stuff.
Nothing like a good “mind fuck” compliment to keep them on their toes! And you don’t want to drown a girl in compliments. Not this early anyway.
Since i’m going to an art exhibit before I leave I assumed this would be a nice
enough chance to talk more since alot of us who had inorganic will also have
pchem and analytical in fall of 2005.
Don’t assume shit, brotha, you KNOW. And, again, it’s not nice enough, it’s nice. Oh, and it’s not a “chance”. The word “chance” has certain characteristics to it. You don’t want to use that word. It’s an “oppurtunity”, not a chance.
The exhibit is on the consequences of war and i’m hoping it’ll be interesting but it might just be a thinly veiled attack on Bush.
Don’t hope. Know! At the very least tell her it “should” be interesting. But if you already used interesting to describe HER do not use it AGAIN to describe the Art Exhibit. She’s got to be something better than the art exhibit. So if she’s “interesting” then the exhibit is… well are the pictures sad, satirical, funny, personal, deep and meaningful? What kind of emotions can she expect on this afternoon. Is she maybe going to cry? Or is she going to laugh?
Try- It’s a Consequences of War exhibit. So, it might have some sad pictures, but I heard it is really inspirational and bipartisan… or some crap. I don’t know much about describing Art Exhibits. But just dont call it interesting.
Listen to Thinks2Much, there’s a girls point of view. When I wrote those two reponses earlier, I didn’t just randomly throw some words together. They’re all specifically chosen for different reasons. I typed those replies quickly, but not haphazardly. They were well thought out and only appear to be Carefree and off the cuff.
Once you get used to avoiding certain words, and phrasing things a certain way, you’ll be able to do the same when you’re speaking to girls. But for now, think before every sentence you type, and take my advice and suggestions.
Oh hellllllllz No!! You’re trying to be a trojan horse when you need to be more like the Trojan Man. This doesn’t work. Please, please understand that. There is actually a certain type of girl this works on, but you don’t want her. She has issues!
It’s like I’m sitting hear watching a horror flick, and I’m screaming “DONT GO IN THERE!!! BEHIND YOU!!! LOOK OUT!!!” But no matter how loud I yell, the heroine still goes in there and gets all chopped up.
Assuming now that she has agreed to go with you. DO NOT suprise her by showing up all classy in a Tux!!! She will feel underdressed and uncomfortable!!!
Do not, do not, do not DO THIS!!!
If it’s a nice museum, and you want to impress her with you class, YOU MUST tell her before she shows up that she needs to dress Formaly. Tell her to wear a nice Evening Dress. DO NOT OUT-DRESS YOUR DATE!
Damn, now I’m giving fashion advice. A decent T-shirt, a cumberbund if you must, jeans, bowling shoes, and a camoflauge Army blouse or Jacket! It’s a war expo. You want to dress “Artsy” and “Collegey” that’s the way to go. Forego the top hat and cane and shit though. Don’t make it a white Tshirt either. Choose your colors wisely. And only a certain shade of pants go well with bowling shoes. I don’t even know how to explain colors. But, anyway… I’ll let you figure out the outfit.
But if you actually DRESS UP in a tux, don’t suprise your date. Inform her.
A dark red wine, of course!!
You guys are too much fun
FTR Nenno, I appreciate your advice at the same time however what is the line between good social skills and being overly anal? Wouldn’t that backfire if you have to worry about every word? Does it honestly make a difference?
As far as this current girl, what I am expecting is for her to not write back until after 5pm on friday then say something like ‘oh I didn’t see this until after the art thing was over’ and i’ll pretend like I believe her and that this wasn’t just an attempt to get out of it and society will continue to function on a bed of lies like always. Now how do I mend ties, what is truly important is not creating an awkward situation since I have to take classes with this girl and work with her on homework and study for tests with her. That is more important than a date with her and I don’t want to screw that up.
Whose idea was it for me to ask women out anyway, doesn’t sound like something i’d do on my own. I need a scapegoat, this is everyones fault but mine. Where was Israel when all this was happening? Mighty convenient that Israel was nowhere to be seen when I started asking women out again.
I have also come to the conclusion today that I am damn annoying. Not to myself, I am fun to be with when I am alone but to other people I am probably mighty annoying. But cest la vie and I don’t really act like this in real life.
Nenno and Thinks2much, I have decided against the cumberbund, it is too classy for and art exhibit. However there is a costume party on saturday where everyone is going to celebrate after finals are over. I am not sure how i’ll dress but I know alot of people are doing ‘favorites’ dressing. Its where you dress in a bunch (ie, one person will come as a computer, another as a printer, and another as a modem and they go in a group. Yeah its stupid but everyone will be drunk off their asses and we just spent tons of hours studying so we have license to be stupid). I don’t know tons about costumes but a couple of friends and I are going to go as candy I don’t know if you guys know anything about costumes but to be honest nobody but you two and I are replying to this thread. I’m pretty sure i’ll go dressed as a giant lollipop (that or a chocolate bar) with a sign that says ‘wanna lick’. Do either of you know anything about being a giant sucker? Maybe I should go as chocolate instead.
Bear_Nenno that’s great advice.
Wesley, the reason why you have to be so careful with emails is that unlike a conversation, you have no ability to communicate anything else via expression, tone etc. So you words have to do do all the talking for you. And if you are constantly using qualifiers like ‘probably’ and ‘I hope’, the impression you give is of a lack of confidence.
I know that’s what you are feeling (hey, who doesn’t when they are asking someone out and they don’t know whether they’ll say yes), but in general women like confidence - they like someone who is sure of themselves (without being arrogant of course!).
Also re dress - you’ve asked her out in a casual way. If you then turn up incredibly formal, you make her think either she misjudged the way she’s dressed (not good, she’s likely already had a wardrobe crisis), or she thinks you have - and you begin the date with a big question mark hanging over it. Don’t try to make a major statement with the clothing.
Also amazed that for someone who is so nervous about asking people out - that’s 3 in a week!
The only thing I would say about this is, if you are going to cast your net wide, make sure you’re picking up on some ‘interested’ signals from them before you put yourself out there too much. Otherwise you risk thinking “Hey, I ask all these girls out, and none of them say yes - it must be something wrong with me”. This isn’t the case, but if you’re not carefully targetting who you ask, you’ll get a low success rate.
Just relax, and have a good holiday. Trite as it is, it will happen when it happens, and you’ll wonder why you stressed so much about it.