The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. So,
because even limited displays of affection make you
uncomfortable, I will not engage in such displays when we are
with you, or with other family members, or with friends of
the family. Whatever I may think of your sensitivities,
accomodating them when we are with you is a reasonable
request.
My problem comes when you start talking about “upholding
standards” and “reputation” and your alleged “failure” as
parents. Such statements move your criticism from my
displays of affection when in your presence to the fact that
I exhibit such displays at all, whether in your presence or
not. My behavior when I am not in your presence is none of
your business. I am not going to change the whole of my
public behavior simply to suit your notions of what is
acceptable. When I am in your presence, I will defer to your
sensitivities, but out of your presence, I am my own person.
Whatever you may think of prevailing standards of morality,
minor displays of affection between men and women who are
involved are completely normal, and not perceived as signs of
insecurity. They are perceived as signs of affection,
nothing more. Ergo, when I am out in public with jeevgurl, or with our personal friends, we may hold hands or I may sit
with my arm around her. In other words, we are going to act
like couples do in this society. And there is a risk that
someone we know may see us. It’s a risk you’re just going to
have to live with.
I also very much resent your claim that I have the “wrong
friends” because such minor displays as we exhibit
are routine and accepted among them. That statement is
insulting and wrong. It both suggests that my friends
are immoral and that I have flawed judgment. I am an adult
and am perfectly capable of deciding who is and who isn’t a
good person to be my friend. You have no right to insult my
friends in this fashion.
In addition, even though you say it’s nothing to do with
jeevgurl, in some sense, it is, because you now consciously or subconsciously think less of her because she “tolerates” such
tenders of affection from me. And that upsets me, too.
jeevgurl is a sweet, caring, tolerant, devoted and wonderful woman, and I love her very much. She is the one with whom I want to build my future. And she does not deserve your
condemnation (implicit or explicit).
Whatever you may think, you succeeded as parents. I’m a
successful professional who graduated from good schools, has
never been arrested, and who has never smoked or taken
drugs. Most other parents would think you did very well, and
would not view your achievments as diminished in any way
because I hold my girlfriend’s hand or put my arm around her
in public.
One other thing you raised me to do was to make my own
decisions. You did not raise jeevbro or I to be slaves, or to
be controlled by you in the way that other Indian parents
control their children even through adulthood. We always
appreciated that. Part and parcel of that, however, is to
accept that we may make decisions or judgments that differ
from yours. It’s called independence.
Now, I know that this email is probably upsetting to you.
But you have no monopoly on such feelings. I am upset at
what I see as your efforts to shame me, to dictate my
behavior when I am not around you, your insult to my friends,
and the implied insult to the woman I love.
This is my final position on the matter. Because of moving
and work-related obligations, we will not be in contact for a
while. The next time we speak, I will forget that this
exchange ever happened, and trust that you will do the same.
were about, and ask embarrassing questions later), but to forbid it altogether? That’s odd.
). Now, I don’t know offhand how historically accurate that is, but maybe some of the prudishness goes back further than the British?
