Darn you, J. K. Rowling!

The BBQ Pit
1

And you, too, Scholastic Books.

I love the Harry Potter series, read each book at least four times, listened to each of the audiotape books. I was thrilled when I finally started seeing some merchandise in the stores - until I took a closer look at it.

The stuff you churned out just plain sucks. It’s shoddy. It’s unimaginitive. It’s overpriced. It lacks everything special that the books have.

Where did you find your artist, the Thomas Kincaide School of El Crappo Kitsch? Did he/she/it ever actually crack open one of the books? Was it so very difficult to talk to the fantastic people who did the cover and the chapter art? Hermione looks nothing like she’s described. Ron looks like a badly spawned geek-child from Deliverance. Harry’s curse scar looks like a badly done lobotomy. Dumbledore looks like a Gandalf ripoff tarted up with sunglasses.

And what do we get? A couple of coffee mugs, some plasticky figurines with special little “magical” stones, and a set of cheesy posters. Did you even think of talking to your marketing people - the ones who know that over half of the people purchasing the books are over 25? I’m over 25, and while I’m broke now, I would be glad to spend the few bucks I possess on your stuff, if it were at all good.

You could have done so much more. You could have done fantastic action figures. You could have done The Monster Book of Monsters. You could have gotten your hands on a decent illustrator for the artwork. But noooooooo, you had to cash in quick, and because of that . . .

YOU SUCK!

Don’t get me wrong, J. K. I want you to make scads more money than you already have. I love your rags to riches story. I would be completely in favor of having you chained to your desk and forced to write day in and day out. But show a little more discrimination in the stuff you sign off on.

And as for YOU, Scholastic Books, may you get pinworms for your excrable handling of this phenomenally valuable series. Yeah, I saw the pap you were trying to pass off as a teacher’s resource manual. What, a couple of vocabulary lists and some trivia questions? A teacher is supposed to build a unit from this? Did it even occur to you that no teacher in their right mind would try to teach these books in the public school due to the occult controversy? Are you trying to stir up trouble?

Oooooooh!

[/end rant]

2

Don’t sugarcoat it, puck, give it to us straight!

I agree. I’m tired of Harry Potter popping up in every single store I walk into. I expect him in bookstores. I can understand him turning up in Hallmark or something. But he’s everywhere – and, as you clearly ranted – the merchandise is pure unadulterated crap. It makes The Lion King action figures look like collector’s items.

Unfortunately, phouka, I don’t think you or I have what it takes to really succeed here in the Pit. Too few obscenities and ranting about a children’s book?

So let’s toughen it up. You know where I said the merchandise was crap? I wanna change that – the merchandise is POOP!

Gotta go now. Gotta wash my mouth out with soap. (Eww! You kiss your mother with that mouth?)

3

See! I got so exercised I messed up…um…goofed up…um…SCREWED UP the vB code.

Oh H-E-double-toothpicks!!

4

I agree with the OP about most of the stuff out there–it sucks! However, I do really like the different sets of bookends. I find them to be a tad pricey but they are nice.

BTW, what’s with the little gemstone things? What is the purpose–they are plastic and stupid!

5

I bought some Harry Potter brand cocaine and it was awful! J.K. Rowling, how could you sell cocaine cut with baby powder? You are cheating users all over the world! I’m going right back to using Britney Spears brand cocaine – now THAT’s stuff you can count on!

6

I’m not surprised the merchandise sucks. She gave over the rights to Warner Brothers and she has no final say on what they do. Stooopid, but there you go. My husband won’t even look at the merchandise, he just says, “It’s evil” and makes me leave.

More things to be bummed about: The next HP book won’t be out next summer (although the fact that she wants to take her time with it is a good thing, IMHO). On a more positive note, she’s writing two shorter works, Quidditch Through the Ages and Hagrid’s favorite, Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them.

Much better than coffee mugs.

7

IIRC, Rowling said in an interview with 20/20 (maybe?) that if the toys sucked she didn’t recommend buying them.

8

…just because you liked the book, why do you have to own a toy or t-shirt proclaiming it?

(rubs chin) Wonder if there’s a market for Eve Golden action figures?

9

What Uke said. It took a helluva long time to merchandise Tolkien and Lewis (NOT that I’m comapring Rowling to the Masters, mind), and the works suffered not in the least.

I’m just reading HP for the first time, and while I understand the appeal, it ain’t all that. I’m concerned that the glut of shitty merchandise might end up detracting from the books.

But I did see a really great poster of a pair of eyes on black with “You-Know-Who” written underneath. That might be worth having.

10

Oh my god - and the real merchandising orgy hasn’t even started! Just wait until a couple month before the movie is released. You think “The Grinch” marketing was bad this Xmas? Just wait until the HP shit really hits the fans.

Anyone know which fast-food franchises to particularly avoid next winter?

11

Hey Uke!

Posable and anatomically correct? I’ll take a gross (undoubtably the first time the word “gross” has ever been uttered in reference to the lovely Ms. Golden, she who is “baaaaad as a mother fucker!”)

Hey! I just remembered, uke (2 syllables) is Japanese, and is used in certain martial arts settings to mean the “receiver of action, someone thrown or conquered, someone who is the object of tori’s technique.”

And you must admit, you are objectionable!

12

Well, I’ll accept the “achiever of action” part.

I get PLENTY of action.

13

Uh, I forgot to specify, that “tori” is not Tori Spelling. Not sure if that is good or bad for you.

14

Don’t blame J.K. Rowling for the licensing of shoddy and bland merchandise based on the Harry Potter series. And probably her success is proof that you don’t need to have a Boris Vallejo-type do the book cover art in order to have a successful sci-fiction/fantasy book series.

15

Does one really need to pick and choose?

Una, staying home today, poisoned by Taco Bell. :frowning: